fantasy has never paid off

Submitted by looking4balance on
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Morning everyone :)

Haven't used porn or casual sex in about 3 weeks now. Feeling good about that and feel confident i can continue, at least i feel that way today.

I am reading a book now that focuses on commitment issues and some of the reasons why people are afraid to commit to relationships, jobs, etc. I am journaling too to look into my patterns of running away from intimacy and connection in relationships, the most often destination being fantasy. I realized every woman I have had a relationship with has been based mostly on fantasy or idealized love. I became emeshed and connected to them based on this idealization, before I even really knew who they were. When I discover that they are not the image I had, I lose interest. In other words, when they become real human beings from the perfect idealized image I had of them. It starting to dawn on me that the real addiction problem here isn't sex or porn addiction, that's just the manifestation. My real challenge is giving up fantasy/perfection as a substitute for reality. I am seeing I have done this my whole life and if I don't challenge it, it will continue to my last day. I am somewhat worried since I will be the big 40 in a few days and to have these issues at my age worries me. I just don't know how to give up wanting perfection(the fantasy of it) since i have been doing it since i was a young boy. I really don't even know where to begin.

Also, thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and insights. I could really use some advice if anyone has anything to share that might be helpful.




I don't know if this is helpful, but ever since I began to see the challenge on this planet as "separation between male and female," it made a lot of things clearer. Separation takes lots of forms. Obsession with finding one's "ideal mate" is but one. If you keep the target in mind: deep, nourishing union, then the particular pattern of separation becomes increasingly less interesting (and you may even see that you have several patterns).

Examples of ways that we humans often use to separate (that aren't always even conscious) are: taking jobs in other cities, getting too fat to be attractive, becoming an alcoholic, having a sharp tongue, being needy or naggy, disappearing into one's work, manifesting an illness, obsession with kids, sleeping schedules go out of sync, snoring, impotence, allergy to semen...the list is truly endless.

This separation problem heals best from within, by overcoming the deep uneasiness that leads us to separate - by making love in a way that INCREASES wellbeing, rather than setting off feelings of anxiety.

Once you try the ideas :-), you will know what I'm saying. Meanwhile, don't fully believe that your intellect can solve this. It's an energy/neurochemical thing that you have to experience for yourself.

PS You are NOT a Chinese monkey if you are turning 40 this year. But you should still be made an honorary one in my opinion. Wink In any case, "Happy Birthday!"


yes, i guess i have to just experience what you writing about, it cant be grasped by intellect like a lot of things. I guess the challenge is overcoming the uneasiness or fear as to become open to that energy shift. Could it maybe be a little bit of "chicken and egg" here? (vegetarians pardon my metaphor). In order to facilitate the healing, you need a partner, but to have and honor a partner, you need to commit to that relationship, which requires the healing in the first place ..kind of a puzzle?

Thanks for the bday wish. I think I am a sheep in the zodiac but a lot of friends would say I am more like monkey :P

Thanks Marnia!

I guess

my thought is that the kind of inner work you are addressing is valuable, too, but that the type of healing you are after goes a lot faster in a relationship (using sacred sex practices).

The practices create equilibrium, which clears perception. So obsessions with "perfect moments" can be seen as what they are, and women can seen as who they are, and changes in attitude are easier to make, because old patterns have less "charge" when you feel balanced (as opposed to horny or regretful about your past).