Last light, like many other a weekend night, I found myself sitting in my room, wanting to go out and socialize since i had stayed at home in the evenings most of the week. After calling a few friends (who all had plans it turned out), i started my usual follow up thinking "oh everone is out having fun, poor me, sitting home alone on a Sat night" kind of helpless, victim-ish. Its THAT time that I usually reach for porn or some sex distraction. I read through some journaling I had done where I found a list of activites i could do when alone. Although I am very self-conscious, I decided to go out to eat in a restaurant by myself. I made a plan what to do for the night that would be enjoyable and I could feel I had a fun evening alone. Not a big feat mind you, but also being a self-conscious and going out to order dinner in a non-english speaking restaurant without my friends there with me in case I get into linguistic trouble was a kind of hurdle for me. The thing I had to wary of was not drinking to much, a usually gateway into acting out for me. So, I had 2 beers, although I planned on having just one, I didnt get loaded and go looking for massage parlors.
Anyway, not so fantastic a story, but what i got from it was that I can be responsible for entertaining myself, I am not helpless, and sometimes when you face fear, anxiety, the payoff is a bit of boost to one'e self image. Best of all i didnt stay home and act out with internet porn, so I dont feel bad this morning. I am glad in a way my friends all had plans or I might have never had that experience.
well, that's all, just a good night...