To begin, I am glad that I have found this site and have had the chance to read the many encouraging stories of others. I can’t tell you how optimistic I feel about my future.
Here’s a glimpse into my background and where I am currently. I am 42 years old, and began masturbating probably around age 11-12, so it’s been around 30 years. I have had some form of ED for about the past 17 years. I began masturbating at a young age but it did not take much to reach orgasm. In the “old days” my porn of choice was Victoria's secret catalogues, bra advertisements in the newspaper, or “bikini girl” posters. After hitting puberty I ran into some kids who had access to porn mags, so I could see pics of various sex acts and noticed that it was more of a rush, so that is when I became hooked. Throughout my late junior high and high school years I would masturbate everyday and sometimes 2-3 times per day, always using a “visual aid”. Once I found a girl that would perform oral sex, but I had trouble ejaculating. She tried for at least 30 minutes and I ended up having to jerk off to reach orgasm. Then in college I had a girlfriend and we had a sexual relationship. At first there were ED problems with intercourse (I had never had intercourse, so I was scared/nervous) but after a few weeks that went away and it was never a problem again. I had a problem with ejaculation during intercourse at first but after a while it wasn’t a problem. We were together for several years, had good sex, but then later broke up.
Now I was age 24, and I was alone; I had a job and the privacy of my own place so I turned to porn for “relief”. I bought playboy videos and sometimes would rent porn movies for stimulation. I was always (and still today) mostly aroused by oral sex being performed on me, or videos of oral sex being performed (woman on man). The most stimulating were the “virtual BJs” because I could mentally put myself “in the action”. I watched these videos and masturbated to this 1-3 times a day for 2 years. Later, I finally met a girl; we hit it off and began dating. The first time we had sex it was ok (she had good orgasm, but I did not reach orgasm). The second time I noticed that I was going limp so we stopped. I am very attracted to this girl but could not get the super erections that I has always had and was accustomed to. I thought that maybe it was her (I wasn’t attracted to her, she didn’t satisfy me, she wasn’t doing something right); I honestly didn’t know any better. I see now that over the years, my brain had rewired itself to be stimulated by porn alone. We’ve been married for 16 years now (18 in the relationship) and I have had ED on and off the whole time. Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive and understanding throughout all of the ED problems. One note here; my wife does not know that I have viewed porn and that I am a recovering addict from porn. She knows that i have masturbated for 30 years, but she thinks it is from "memories". I think that it would destroy her trust, and our marriage if she know the truth; I am not willing to take the risk! Anyway, I have viewed internet porn (video) for at least 13 of those years and I never have erection problems while viewing (actually I have awesome, full erections when looking at these videos). When I knew that we may have an encounter together I would take yohimbe or some sexual herb mix to help (cobra, viper), and even got a prescription for Cialis which worked at first, but then not very reliable, so I gave it up. There are times when intercourse is good, other times I can’t get it up even when I am very attracted to “the mood” and turned on by her body. I seem to have the most ED issues with the “cowgirl” position. It’s not that I don’t like it; I love the position because I can feel, see, and touch her body all over in this position. It is by far her favorite position, but the one that I have the most ED problems with. Even if I start out with a strong erection from foreplay (usually her giving me a BJ) we get in cowgirl position and I lose some of the erection. On a good day I will be 80% hard, but sometimes the erection goes away completely. One strange note here…when we do “doggie style” I do not have the same ED problems. The erections are usually 80% or more this way). She always lovingly says that it isn’t a big deal, or that it doesn’t matter, but I know it does. I usually have to “finish her off” by manual stimulation. She does perform a hand job on me from time to timeand I do not have erection problems with that at all.
I am currently in 5 months after beginning this voyage. I have MO a few times throughout and have had successful and unsuccessful sex.
Am I still rebooting or do I just have anxiety?