Day 38 Of No PMO ..... It's Been A LONG Journey

Submitted by fortune20 on
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Wow where do I start? Kind of feeling really anxious right now. Well as you may know my name is J. I would say i started masturbating since I was 12 and it is so unfortunate that i started off to tv porn. Wow what a great discovery I thought I made finding porn whilst flipping through cable channels. Ever since then I never looked back. Used to masturbate at least once a day to it at that age and as I got older I've just been on and off with it, implementing between that and naked pictures of women when I can. As far as I can remember when I was 15 I still was sexually responsive. I used to be able to get hard just by my girlfriend grabbing my dick but it seemed I started discovering some difficulties at 16. At that time, I wasn’t going to school so I used to stay home and just masturbate to downloaded porn clips at least everyday; little did I know how detrimental this was to my sexual health at the time. Then I lost my virginity at 16 but in retrospect, I'm really trying to figure out whether that was because of the porn or the fact that I was really nervous my first time. Anyhow, I had my glory moments later on because I went to Africa to live with my mom for a year in a half and was able to get it up to my next girlfriend over there with ease although, I would always lose erections when I put on a condom (i think maybe because having sexual intercourse raw just felt SO good that I just never had patience for contraceptives idk).

But what I do know is that when I was fucking raw my erections were ROCK HARD again, and looking back at it now I'm assuming that is probably due to the fact that I didn't have access to porn over there and I probably masturbated once every other week. Then I had decent sex with a prostitute with a condom for at least 5 mins so I guess maybe the porn was causing it idk. But it seemed like when I came back to NY again all just collapsed from there. Tried to have sex with a girl in a hotel earlier this year and no matter what she did whether it be stroking my penis or performing oral sex, I just couldn't get it up and if I did it would go right back down. And what made it worse is I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling well and that I would make it up to her next time (the shame!). Well there was never a next time; she stopped responding to my texts. That really put a dent in my ego. So due to that experience, I started using viagra thinking that would help alleviate my impotence and it did. I was having strong erections and was having sex with one older lady for about 6 or 7 times, each session she orgasmed probably at least 4 times no lie!! I felt like I had redeemed myself and that I was the MAN although for whatever reason I would still lose my rock hard erections after I put the condom on and I know for a fact that this time I was not nervous so what gives? Anyhow after several months of being on top of the world that came crashing down when I went to Virginia and took the same viagra pills because I was supposed to have sex with a long time female friend in a hotel. But to my amazement, this time I couldn’t get it up even with the viagra ... like I literally felt comfortable lying on the bed with her and got a half erection but that's as far as it would go. What made it worse is my homey was having sex with her friend on a separate bed next to us while all of this is going down. My god I had never felt so depressed in my whole entire life. Why could he get it up with ease, meanwhile he masturbates to porn twice as much as me, and we started about the same time, and are pretty much the same age? Like I feel I'm a good looking dude because girls just always are attracted to me but I can't perform? And I was only 19 yrs old of age dealing with erectile dysfunction. I have never had a more humiliating experience in my whole entire life and I can honestly say that and looking back it now still concur. Bad enough I tried to play it off by acting as if I didn't have a condom but for whatever reason she found the condom that I hid under the pillow that I was gonna use on her until after figuring lil johnnie didn't want to come out and play. Then after that having to save face again by saying that I wasn't feeling well. Dear God was I sick to stomach. She looked so good and I was feeling on her naked body while one of my hands was fingering her but I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. She literally was so mad that she got up from the bed went into the bathroom and 5 mins later came out and told her friend that she was leaving. After they left I told my friend what had happened and he really couldn't believe it. Like this girl was really fucking sexy and I was turned on by her in every way but i couldnt feel anything. Not even a kick. I just sat there on that hotel bed in disgust, pain, depression, frustration and anger; a feeling of anger that I had never felt before. In addition, what made it so bad was the fact that I know once she left told her friend. “Eww this dude was grinding on me and everything but he couldn't get it up”. Wow what can be worse then you not being able to perform with a female who literally is throwing herself at you and top of all that embarassment, her telling her friend? The thought alone had me so distraught that I just sunk my face into a pillow just hoping the misery would go away but to no avail. My friend tried to console me but was just really baffled at how I could fuck up such an opportunity but I just couldn't come up with any explanation. I was at a loss for words. I literally had to get up and go downstairs to run on the treadmill for about an hr just so I could be able to go to sleep that night. Since that experience my confidence with women has never been the same, mind you all of this happened June of this year. Apart of me wants to talk to females and they do want to talk to me too but the mere thought of failure again just kept me at bay.

I can honestly say I could have had sexual intercourse with at least 7 other females since that disastrous encounter but anytime, I get close to knowing that sex might come into play or they wanna come to my house I make up all sorts of excuses; that being I'm not feeling well how about next week, I traveled and I'm not in town, or would even just cut them off completely. What makes it bad is that after all these months some of these females still hit me up every now and then till today. But what do I say to them? “Ooo I like you but I got erectile dysfunction so we can‘t have sex but we could stare at each other all night if you want?” This is pretty sad that I’m 6’2, about 185lbs, pretty muscular, can have decent conversation with a female, 20 yrs old and based on what they tell me good looking has been dodging females for pretty much the past two years because he is scared that he won‘t be able to perform. It’s really a very hopeless situation that I hope nobody has to ever experience. It's to a point where even one of my friends probably thinks I'm gay or something because he would tell me about all these girls who want to talk to me but I would just dismiss this to the side and say "I'm not worried about females right now I'm just trying to get this money." Well I really was trying to get money because I'm kind of in a terrible situation so he knows that i am looking for a job but at the same time that’s just an excuse to mask how I really feel. Well fast forward into late August and me finding this site, after about 4 trials of no PMO for going till 9 to 10 days at the most and then relapsing i finally was able to get on the right path. And this time I'm stopping PM for good, for the sake of my sexual being and happiness. I really thank GARY, MARNIA, and all the people on this site for their advice and instructions because without your guidance I don't know where I would be right now. Well it's been 35 days and after flatlining for about 4 weeks I'm finally seeing a little spontaneous erections again. Only about 1 or 2 per day but there at least something. I'm just really hoping and praying that my problem lies with porn and that a 90 day reboot will be adequate time for me to finally get over this hurdle and live life with confidence being assured that I'll be able to perform when needed.

Comments

Glad you're seeing

signs of life. That means the worst is behind you.

I know it seems unfair, but some brains just adapt faster to superstimuli and grow numb to normal pleasure faster. Just as some people can drink without becoming alcoholics and some can't. It's great that you're figuring out how *your* brain works this early.

I don't suppose you would consider an actual relationships for a while, would you? Wink A close, trusted relationship and regular skin-to-skin contact may actually be better for your erectile health than recreational sex...especially as you get back into the saddle here in a month or so. Just give it some thought. I can explain the science behind this, if you are curious. Has to do with oxytocin.

Any cuddle buddies around in the meantime?

please Marnia ur explanation

please Marnia ur explanation will be greatly appreciated and as for cuddle buddies I don't really have none or even know about how to get one ... That being is that it seems that females nowadays or at least the ones who are my age of 20 believe in straight sex and probably wouldn't understand why i would want to cuddle ... but thanks alot for the support, it really is more then appreciated honestly. And BTW i had a ENORMOUS erection today just staring at a girl who was walking in front of me so I guess that is a good sign 2 :)

Sounds like

you'll soon be ready for them...whatever style sex they're into. Wink

But meanwhile, read this excerpt, written by Darryl,...just so you realize there IS another way to approach sex, and that as a man, you *can* set the pace if you're clear on on your goal. (It's from this page: http://www.reuniting.info/node/7207

I remember when I first slept with the woman who would become my wife. We just cuddled together naked for at least two or three nights before we had intercourse. This was quite unusual for me, with previous girl friends, when the clothes came off we had sex. I think it really set the tone for our future together. I had actually forgotten we had done this together until a year ago, many years after we were engaging in karezza sex. [Fortune20, "karezza" is a gentle form of lovemaking where partners focus on the connection and sensual feelings...not on rushing to orgasm. Kinda like "tantra." See http://www.reuniting.info/tantric_sex_for_men_richardson]

You may want to try some bonding behavior like this the first time you're naked together. You could say something like, "Let's just hold each other. I want to really feel who you are this time." When you do engage sexually you could say, "I really like to go slow so I can drink in your feminine beauty." That will really get her attention.

If she starts to speed it up, say,"Slow down I want to savor you," and then wrap you arms around her firmly. Believe me, you can set the tone. Find me a woman who doesn't want to be savored and have her feminine beauty adored.

Once she gets the sense of how you behave with her then you can introduce the concept of karezza. Actions always speak louder than words and a conversation about karezza can scare a potiential partner.

Show her first with your body. It also shows her you're a man with a direction and purpose. Women love male clarity when it comes from the heart. Make a commitment to your journey and you will find a woman who will share your vision.

In my opinion your challenge is to be able to stay cool during lovemaking with a new woman when you haven't had any karezza practice with a partner. You may want to consider some solo sexual cultivation to get at least some feel of sexual arousal that doesn't lead to orgasm. It will help to retrain your brain a little bit, showing you that sexual arousal doesn't alway have to end in orgasm.