Today I'm not writing about sexual addiction per se, but it seems evident by the types of situations I am dealing with and the accompanying feelings/thoughts, I can see some of the ways these personality/character traits manifest in sex addiction.
As i wrote some days ago, this has been THE longest job-leaving experience of my life. Even its a bad company, toxic environment (warm sigh..sounds like home), I still find all these feelings come up such as..
-fear of disappointing/letting others down
-fear of others potential anger
-not having faith in an unsure future(devil you know kind of thing)
-a general lack of believing in myself and my abilities
-putting others needs first
To me, all this reflect a clear picture of low self-worth. I hate that I am still dealing with these issues and I know that's they are just thoughts. I know my friends perspective on this is right, but these things still come up. OF COURSE having these kind of esteem issues would manifest in something like sex addiction. There is NO risk of rejection or disappointment of others, the outcome is certain (orgasm), and clearly MY needs are put first.
F---! When will this END? When can i truly believe and internalize that I DO deserve to be happy and live my life the way I choose, I AM skilled and can live in abundance, and I deserve to receive and am capable of giving love. I am more than my penis. Hey, that should be my mantra...sound pretty good walking down the street muttering that one, eh? anyway, this whole week has been sleepless with worry and everyday trying to get the courage to pull the trigger on a clearly toxic situation. Tommorrow is the meeting where i am supposed to give them my final decision. This shouldnt be so hard for it's SUCH an easy decision.
Surprisingly, the one bright note is I am not escaping into porn/lust, but just feeling these shitty feelings. I can just see the futility in doing that so clearly now. OK, that's my rant for the day.
Be well everyone...