just current stuff

Submitted by looking4balance on
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Hi all,

Today I'm not writing about sexual addiction per se, but it seems evident by the types of situations I am dealing with and the accompanying feelings/thoughts, I can see some of the ways these personality/character traits manifest in sex addiction.

As i wrote some days ago, this has been THE longest job-leaving experience of my life. Even its a bad company, toxic environment (warm sigh..sounds like home), I still find all these feelings come up such as..

-fear of disappointing/letting others down
-fear of others potential anger
-not having faith in an unsure future(devil you know kind of thing)
-a general lack of believing in myself and my abilities
-putting others needs first

To me, all this reflect a clear picture of low self-worth. I hate that I am still dealing with these issues and I know that's they are just thoughts. I know my friends perspective on this is right, but these things still come up. OF COURSE having these kind of esteem issues would manifest in something like sex addiction. There is NO risk of rejection or disappointment of others, the outcome is certain (orgasm), and clearly MY needs are put first.

F---! When will this END? When can i truly believe and internalize that I DO deserve to be happy and live my life the way I choose, I AM skilled and can live in abundance, and I deserve to receive and am capable of giving love. I am more than my penis. Hey, that should be my mantra...sound pretty good walking down the street muttering that one, eh? anyway, this whole week has been sleepless with worry and everyday trying to get the courage to pull the trigger on a clearly toxic situation. Tommorrow is the meeting where i am supposed to give them my final decision. This shouldnt be so hard for it's SUCH an easy decision.

Surprisingly, the one bright note is I am not escaping into porn/lust, but just feeling these shitty feelings. I can just see the futility in doing that so clearly now. OK, that's my rant for the day.

Be well everyone...

Comments

Just wanted to wish you the

Just wanted to wish you the best in this hard time. In the end, it might just all be "manure for enlightenment." Self-love in this situation could mean just being fully present with where you are at. The ground of compassion is being with "what is", not what we wish it was.

I've had some similar struggles recently - my exboyfriend from years ago has been visiting me, and it's become clearer and clearer that my inability to commit to anyone stems from a basic lack of compassion for myself and - by extension - others.

I'm really glad to hear you haven't been escaping into porn/lust. The fact that you're staying strong amidst other turmoil/crappy feelings shows that you really are commited to meaningful change in your life.

its tough

but I am trying. thanks for the support...I am trying to just experience what is happening, so as you said Hotspring, it might be a ground for compassion towards myself and ultimately others. It certainly does feel like a manure-ish time right now.. :)

I am more than my penis.

I had a good laugh at that one. I just finished reading Robert A. Monroe's books (about OBEs). His famous Gateway Affirmation in his induction tapes (used at the Monroe Institute, VA) is as follows:

"I am more than my physical body my penis. Because I am more than physical matter penile matter, I can perceive that which is greater than the Physical World physical bodies of hot girls. Therefore I deeply desire to Expand, to Experience, to Know, to Understand, to Control, to Use such greater energies and energy systems as may be beneficial and constructive to me and to those that follow me. Also I deeply desire the help and cooperation, the assistance, the understanding of those individuals whose wisdom, development and experience are equal to or greater than my own." (created by Robert Monroe - edited to fit the context...)

Anyhow, this extended (and unedited) version of your mantra could be useful for you, too...

Blessings.