I did it, i got up the courage and left my job to find a situation that suits my skills better and is a healthier environment. This has been some ordeal. But despite all the stress and sleepless nights over the past year, I also learned that I can handle a hell of a lot without breaking. I mean, working in traditonal Japanese office, hearing and speaking Japanese all day, not a word of English, being in an all male office with men who rarely smile or even talk, working 12-15 hours a day...etc was indeed mentally and phyiscally rough, but also gave me some confidence in ability to handle things. I also learned that things are never as bad (or good) as I imagine they will be. I worry, worry, worry..and then its nothing like I thought. just wasted energy in an attempt to control outcomes, which obviously can't do. They didn't get all pissed off and make it uncomfortable for me as i imagined, in fact, they are trying to help me get another job and are going to give me a farewell party.
Its so funny, the parallels with love relationships, since at this point now i forget all the bad shit and the reasons i wanted to go and think, "maybe they are OK, maybe I am making a mistake" in a nostalgic haze. But just one look at my notes about being here the last year and why i wanted to go brings me back to reality (its good to write things down!). You can like/love someone AND still leave the relationship/job. Sometimes not a good match. (I am thinking aloud here, I am sure most sane people already know this) haha...
Anyway, the model i have been trying to follow lately is when there is a choice between depression (staying in bad situation) and fear (leaving for something unknown), always choose fear since usually it leads to growth. I have many many fears and its always the harder choice for me, but i will keep trying to choose it.
I think there is fear during withdrawl of porn/sex acting out too...fear of 'what will happen if i DONT act on this urge? will i explode? will i die? Many many fears. The only way is through i guess. Well, i guess that's it for today..
Peace between the Sheets!