Well ...

Submitted by looking4balance on
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I did it, i got up the courage and left my job to find a situation that suits my skills better and is a healthier environment. This has been some ordeal. But despite all the stress and sleepless nights over the past year, I also learned that I can handle a hell of a lot without breaking. I mean, working in traditonal Japanese office, hearing and speaking Japanese all day, not a word of English, being in an all male office with men who rarely smile or even talk, working 12-15 hours a day...etc was indeed mentally and phyiscally rough, but also gave me some confidence in ability to handle things. I also learned that things are never as bad (or good) as I imagine they will be. I worry, worry, worry..and then its nothing like I thought. just wasted energy in an attempt to control outcomes, which obviously can't do. They didn't get all pissed off and make it uncomfortable for me as i imagined, in fact, they are trying to help me get another job and are going to give me a farewell party.

Its so funny, the parallels with love relationships, since at this point now i forget all the bad shit and the reasons i wanted to go and think, "maybe they are OK, maybe I am making a mistake" in a nostalgic haze. But just one look at my notes about being here the last year and why i wanted to go brings me back to reality (its good to write things down!). You can like/love someone AND still leave the relationship/job. Sometimes not a good match. (I am thinking aloud here, I am sure most sane people already know this) haha...

Anyway, the model i have been trying to follow lately is when there is a choice between depression (staying in bad situation) and fear (leaving for something unknown), always choose fear since usually it leads to growth. I have many many fears and its always the harder choice for me, but i will keep trying to choose it.

I think there is fear during withdrawl of porn/sex acting out too...fear of 'what will happen if i DONT act on this urge? will i explode? will i die? Many many fears. The only way is through i guess. Well, i guess that's it for today..

Peace between the Sheets!
M

Comments

That's a good report, eh?

They actually want to help you. You've once again proven that old saying:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”

PS My husband's students once asked him what happens when one avoids ejaculation. He said, "Well I haven't swelled up and turned blue yet."

So relax. *giggle* And find a damned girlfriend. Wink