♥Fear response possible even without orgasm?

Submitted by sharienanda on
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I'm just reading Peace Between the Sheets and it's benefiting me so much. Thank you! Question: for a year I did not have an orgasm with my partner. And I only self pleasured to orgasm about 5 times. Yet my fear response was very often triggered during that year. How did that happen? Did I miss something in the book?

Not sure I understand

your question. Fear can be triggered by all kinds of things. There are things we should be wary of: poisonous snakes, bankers, crazy relatives...you get the idea. Smile

The point of the book is just that we don't need to add to the mix projections based on avoidable neurochemical lows. Those aren't "real" fears but they can erode trust between partners.

Question: Was your partner orgasming during this time? The approach recommended in (the new edition of which is Cupid) is a mutual approach. It's about creating a joint sense of wholeness, not about one partner avoiding orgasm.

Have a look at Karezza Korner for more (See link to the left.) And also have a look at this article. It's a piece we discovered after we wrote Peace: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-la...

Let us know how you get on if you experiment with the ideas.

fear possible even with very few orgasms

Thank you for your reply. I enjoyed the article and found its info useful. And soothing. Sorry I wasn't more clear that I meant fear in this context of intimate partnership.

Yes, he had an orgasm every time we made love, which was mostly twice a week for 50 weeks. What triggered my abandonment fears from childhood is his continuing to give attention to single women friends. Mostly in the form of emails and eating with them at the college dining hall. (We're both over 55 but he was a graduate student during our year together.) And then sharing this info with me, even when we were cuddling in bed naked at the end of the day!

In July he graduated, returned home 2,000 miles away, and 2 months later ended our partnership. We're still emailing as "just friends." But recently I got triggered again when he seemed to be flirting with a woman replying to his blog. Oy! Just when I thought I was healed!

I'm working with a therapist and doing a lot of body work geared to releasing trauma. But any insights from you would be very much appreciated.

Oh, yes, want to share this too. Last Friday I made a commitment to the Ecstatic Exchanges. That night when I went to a concert, my interactions with men were so much better than ever. They were easy and delightful and I felt safe and in the flow. Thanks for this too.

It's not easy

to be separated from a sweetheart with whom one has bonded. I think you're just going to be more sensitive where he is concerned for a while.

In general, flirting is really healthy (unless it's done to hurt a past love, of course, but I doubt that's his motive). Is there a way for you to do more flirting yourself?

What efforts are you making to connect with a new partner? Apparently that's one of the best ways to heal that nagging connection with an ex. There are lots of ideas for meeting new partners here (but I warn you...it's on our sister website for porn recovery, so you may not want to visit while at work. Wink ): http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-to-connect-with-others

Yes, I find it soothing, too, to contemplate the power of those bonding behaviors.

Let us know how you get on.

*big hug*