Keep not a section for weeds in your garden

Submitted by Frank on
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For the last four days, I got up at 5:30AM, took a cold shower, did exercise and began work. Today I managed to do the same too. But today I did not stay abstinent, and I was procrastinating all the time while "doing work". Again, I watched porn, ended up masturbating to ejaculation.

I'm writing this immediately after acting out, and I don't feel any depression/anxiety/stress except for a tiny little voice that still cries out honestly "why, Frank?!". That's probably how it's intended to be (that I'm not feeling any negativity right now just after acting out) -- that's why I became addicted.

I think what went wrong in the past few days is that I had not completely decided to be celibate. I constantly kept thinking of how to get a girlfriend, and spent so much time trying to impress some girls I knew. Yesterday, after school, I was showing my male friends (while some female friends were watching from a distance) a wierd bike trick, for example. Then I also tried to dress really well, tried to show off, though I really did look awesome when I did a little change in my hairstyle and facial hair, surely I was noticed. But maybe I'm just "such a geek/nerd/[insulting term for intellectuals] inside" that girls could see through the appearance. Anyway, now I've decided not to care about girls from a romantic perspective. Sorry, Marnia, but for some reason my intuition tells me strongly that I was born to follow brahmacharya, not chase girls, and I'm willing to tolerate whatever pain there is by not having a girlfriend/wife (I absolutely love cooking, for example).

So the point is that I did not commit myself 100%, I kept a section for weeds in my garden. Sure, I can make mistakes, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself that I absolutely cannot tolerate failure -- but I didn't immediately correct the mistakes I made in the past few days. Complete honesty in intention is necessary.

I kept convincing myself that it wasn't so bad after all, that I'm still a teenager and these raging hormones are really not being friendly, that I've been an addict for 3 years, and I need some "supporting pleasurable activities" in this time of depression and anxiety. It all equates to one word: bullshit.

One really important thing is how, although initially I made some sacrifices -- getting up early, going to class by my primitive bicycle, spending time organizing stuff, not watching TV or reading newspaper -- the reward that they brought on an emotional level was really poor. On the other hand, whenever an attractive woman was in my sight, the trigger produced a lust/craving that tended to outweigh the sacrifices I made; although intellectually the sacrifices were obviously of incredible importance.

Also, sexual appeal managed to knock me down more times than honesty could make me stand stronger again. This is all because, at the start of the day and week, I failed to make a strong emotional dent in my mind about the greatness of honesty, once again because I wasn't honest enough to decide to be fully honest (meta-honesty). The starting point is simply to know that I have a choice, and so being honest is much better than not being honest. The beast keeps asking for reasons to be honest, but then that is exactly where you have to be honest and kill the beast, or you set up yourself for failure. The same way the beast took hold of me, the same way I shall kill him. The answer is rhetoric.

Comments

You are on the right track

Hi Franc....

I must say that I see your progress as being quite positive and that you seem to learn a lot on all levels transcending this addiction....

My own experience is also that total honesty and commitment is necessary since the ego/beast other wise always will find ways to once again pull you into the patterns of the addiction through clever argument (you have already mentioned a lot Lol and stimulating alluring energy in your mind and sexual chakras......I think that you at some point like me will realize that a ”cold turkey” is the best if not the only way out and for me that meant going through a period where I truly felt like dying, very depressed and where my body and energy system was out of whack because of the ”internal war”.....

But I can truly say that life is much better without this addiction and sexual craving......Already after a 3-4 of weeks living as a celibate, my inner peace, mental clarity and experience of life changed for the much better......it was like several layers of filters what removed from my eyes and mind which allowed me now to experience everything from this higher and way more satisfying level of consciousness......In other words it IS worth going through a period of withdrawal although it doesn't feel that way while you in the proces – so just hang in there in spite of the egos many attempt to make you quit the proces, in realizing it has nothing of value to offer your REAL SELF.

Also what helped me when i felt sexual energy in my sexual organs and energy centers, was to visualize my base chakra spin very fast and cast off all ”blackness” until it again was brilliant white and functioned as intended......the point is as you already know to get the energy flowing upwards in your energy system to your heart or higher.......

The most effective method for me to battle the ego/beast has partly been to confront/see though its lies and then replace them with a higher and life enhancing truths, but at times its actually waste of time (and a trap in itself) to enter a dialogue with the ego since it goes nowhere constructive.....just dualistic intellectual babbling Smile meant to trap one since energy follows attention and you thereby energizes the ego.....the goal is to fully transcend the level of consciousness that tapped you in the addiction in the first place where the NEW YOU simply hasn't any interest and/or attention on the issue at all....it is no longer a matter of constantly disciplining yourself to not fall into the addiction again.....you simply no longer have any interest in this matter because you now have interests you love more and that gives you a greater satisfaction in life.....

Finally I would like mention that I also for some time felt that I desired to live the rest of my life as a celibate, but after some Soul searching, and gaining understanding about sacred sexuality etc. I now realize that I actually would like to have a relationship where the sexual aspect is also used as means for growth, love and joy........But I will first enter such a relationship when my relationship with myself and GOD is right, so I dont need someone outside myself to feel whole and loved......But again if you intuitively sense that brahmacharya is right for that's likely what you should aim at since inner guidance always knows best when its comes to ones own path in life.

Many blessing to you
Jørgen