For the last four days, I got up at 5:30AM, took a cold shower, did exercise and began work. Today I managed to do the same too. But today I did not stay abstinent, and I was procrastinating all the time while "doing work". Again, I watched porn, ended up masturbating to ejaculation.
I'm writing this immediately after acting out, and I don't feel any depression/anxiety/stress except for a tiny little voice that still cries out honestly "why, Frank?!". That's probably how it's intended to be (that I'm not feeling any negativity right now just after acting out) -- that's why I became addicted.
I think what went wrong in the past few days is that I had not completely decided to be celibate. I constantly kept thinking of how to get a girlfriend, and spent so much time trying to impress some girls I knew. Yesterday, after school, I was showing my male friends (while some female friends were watching from a distance) a wierd bike trick, for example. Then I also tried to dress really well, tried to show off, though I really did look awesome when I did a little change in my hairstyle and facial hair, surely I was noticed. But maybe I'm just "such a geek/nerd/[insulting term for intellectuals] inside" that girls could see through the appearance. Anyway, now I've decided not to care about girls from a romantic perspective. Sorry, Marnia, but for some reason my intuition tells me strongly that I was born to follow brahmacharya, not chase girls, and I'm willing to tolerate whatever pain there is by not having a girlfriend/wife (I absolutely love cooking, for example).
So the point is that I did not commit myself 100%, I kept a section for weeds in my garden. Sure, I can make mistakes, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself that I absolutely cannot tolerate failure -- but I didn't immediately correct the mistakes I made in the past few days. Complete honesty in intention is necessary.
I kept convincing myself that it wasn't so bad after all, that I'm still a teenager and these raging hormones are really not being friendly, that I've been an addict for 3 years, and I need some "supporting pleasurable activities" in this time of depression and anxiety. It all equates to one word: bullshit.
One really important thing is how, although initially I made some sacrifices -- getting up early, going to class by my primitive bicycle, spending time organizing stuff, not watching TV or reading newspaper -- the reward that they brought on an emotional level was really poor. On the other hand, whenever an attractive woman was in my sight, the trigger produced a lust/craving that tended to outweigh the sacrifices I made; although intellectually the sacrifices were obviously of incredible importance.
Also, sexual appeal managed to knock me down more times than honesty could make me stand stronger again. This is all because, at the start of the day and week, I failed to make a strong emotional dent in my mind about the greatness of honesty, once again because I wasn't honest enough to decide to be fully honest (meta-honesty). The starting point is simply to know that I have a choice, and so being honest is much better than not being honest. The beast keeps asking for reasons to be honest, but then that is exactly where you have to be honest and kill the beast, or you set up yourself for failure. The same way the beast took hold of me, the same way I shall kill him. The answer is rhetoric.