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i dont know what to do at this point. I have been trying all the different approaches to deal with being stimulated by the sight of beautiful women in my viewline, and they work, but at some point, its just too much and i either end up masturbating or having addicitve/objectify-ish sex with a girl. The 'be thankful to the universe for being witness to their beauty' and 'look, feel, move on' and '3rd person observer' approaches i mentioned before are good but only for so long. i am in an environment where just walking the streets I am surrounded by women that have one beautiful feature or another. This girl has great breasts, this one gorgeous eyes, this girl has thin shapely legs. Its like the energy builds and builds from these experiences and i dont know what to do with it. I dont know what to do with it. I feel like my brain will always react this way. Why when i see a woman with nice looks, face, body does it upset me this way? why do i want to posess her, to merge with her beauty and the only way i know how to do that is through sex, though the desire to penetrate. I am running out of ideas here..i am starting the think this is hopeless. even when i am exercising, meditating, doing everything to nuture myself and try to stay balanced, a few hits of beauty on the street, and I am dealing with the same issues. I need a practical method here or a paradigm shift or something. should i walk around with my eyes closed? should i move to a place where there are no women i find attractive?.i cant take this anymore!!! help!


I can almost feel what

I can almost feel what you're going through right now. Just an hour after my previous post about my success in handling two urges, I gave up on the third urge and viewed porn and masturbated to ejaculation. Allow me to share my speculation as to what went wrong -- I think it may give you some ideas.

During the two urges that I had (and each of them lasted for about 40 minutes, with a gap of about 1.5 hours between them), I hadn't done any positive talk or moving in the right direction. I had just kept myself from falling. I began to write down my feelings, but I didn't take any proactive steps towards ensuring I'm stronger. Basically, I just *passively waited* for the urge to pass by/leave me as soon as possible. And, so, quite naturally, when I had the third urge, I absolutely lost all control over myself. Determinism.

So what we need to do when we are awake and conscious and urge-free is to set up a solid system in place, so that even if we lose consciousness of ourselves or we cannot stay committed to our promise, we fall back into a situation where we're reminded to be conscious and to connect with our conscience in a stronger way.

I can really understand the way you feel. I may not have really accomplished anything in my recovery process, but I've been experiencing these feelings all the time, that somehow the external world is just imposing stuff on me. Paradigm shift is the answer, but how to make such a change is indeed a big question. There are two factors that can trigger a paradigm shift without the conscious decision of the person (i.e. by default rather than by design): he/she gets convinced, by means of first-hand experience or accounts of other people, of the negativity of the life he/she is currently pursuing and the greatness a life of freedom and accomplishment brings, by thinking of one's life in a broader framework.

Because you used the term "energy", the idea that comes to mind is that of sublimation or transmutation. Whenever you may feel all sexed up after being aroused, just say something like "dude, just cool down, alright?". In the end, it's all rhetoric.

Whether it's actually energy or not (as in the ability to do work), it sure is some chemical imbalance in the body. I have these often, and whenever I have them it's like I "need to be purified", basically meaning that my subconscious mind is asking me to restore the balance that previously was. The beast would interpret it as the need to go and masturbate to just get the hell out of this state of mind. Unfortunately, it's hard to take note of this fact every time you're aroused or anxious/depressed, because when you're aroused you've already began to block other information and feeling. Moreover, even if you are reminded of this fact, it's even harder to actually convince yourself of what it really means.

Perhaps modern research hasn't gone further enough into this topic, so you can only fully rely on the advice of the ancients.


If you think you cannot stop with what you are doing and feeling desperate, the first thing to realise is not to feel guilty about it. You can stop. Try to SENSE how your feelings are after the orgasmic sex. Do you feel really in balance. Experiment, do it without guild. We all have to learn to deal with this. The world is filled with hidden occult messages in newspapers TV and billboards, which trigger most men without knowing it. People buy fashion to some designers taste, this is advertised in certain settings. Find those messages. I have had the same experience. It took a long time. When you start to recognize it then you can do something about it. Like reading about the taste of salt. To know the taste you will have to taste it first. After that then you can decide weather you liked it or not.
Orgasmic sex is not sex, it is more. It is a creative act.
Try not to give away your creative energy (to whom?) but use it consciously. Than sense how you feel.

Greetings Johannes.

Quotes from "the Quantum Self"

I found these thoughts by D. Zohar worthwhile. They may or may not be relevant to what you are struggling with:

p. 180
"This creation of a self through an articlation of the values which accompanies a given choice is reminiscent of the 'backward causation' illustrated in John Archibald Wheeler's 'Delayed Choice Experiment', and probably rests on the same basic physics. In that experiment, a photon has to 'choose' between realizing itself as a wave or a particle, between travelling through one slit of a two-slit apparatus or through both slits. If it has chosen to be a particle it will travel through one slit, if to be a wave, through both slits. It 'articluates' that decision when it strikes either the detecting screen or the photomultiplier tube but, according to wheeler, it is only when that articulation is made that we can look back into history and say how many slits it went through. The articulation of that choice created both the photon's character and its history. . . .

"Similarly, it is only as I articulate the values which led to my [choice] that I become the person who has those values, the person who has the character to sustain such values and the history which led to them. But in thus creatively discovering myself, I also creatively discover the values which I cherish. I bring these values into the world, or I reincarnate, and thus give new life and meaning to old values. In doing so I help to create my world and that of others.

"My self is interwoven and in non-local correlation with others in my group or society, and the moral decisions that I make resonate through the world that we share, the world that together we create. If I choose to break my . . . vow, I make it that much more likely that others will do so. . . .

"There is no end to the chain of influence that follows from my decision. I am responsible for the world because I help to make the world. As Jung expressed it when discussing the many crises of modern life and the self-reflection (articulation) with which we respond: 'In the last analysis, the essential thing is the life of the individual. This alone makes history, here alone do the great trasformations take place, and the whole future, the whole history of the world, ultimately spring as a gigantic summation from these hidden sources in individuals. In our most private and most subjective lives we are not only the passive witnesses of our age, and its sufferers, but also its makers. We make our own epoch.'

"Yet these values that we create 'in our most private and subjective lives', and through which we create a world, are not themselves subjective. They are not, as Sartre would claim, wothout foundation beyond the self. In Sartre's version of a self-made morality, it is I, alone and in dread before the awesome fact of my freedom, who creates and maintains values in being. 'Nothing can assure me against myself; cut off from the world and my essence by the nothing that I am, I have to realize the meaning of the world and of my essence: I decide it, alone, unjustifiable, and without excuse.'

"But in a quantum world, creation is never ex nihilo. The values that I create are not self-made (and especially not those made by a self which is nothing). My choices are not made in lonely isolation nor are the values which emerge from them merely capricious, or relative to my situation. Rather, their creation is evoked by the free dialogue between the self that I am now and my world as it is now - my world of others in relation to whom my self is defined and the world of the human nature that I share with them.

It is not my logic which creates my choices, but my choices which create my logic.
- D. Zohar


thanks for those replies everyone. Bosonfermion: i really like that passage you posted and i think the quote..[quote]It is not my logic which creates my choices, but my choices which create my logic.[/quote]really sums it up nicely. Like we are what are choices are. I agree with that, for sure. The most pressing issue for me is what to do with the jolt of energy in the moments, minutes after seeing such beautiful,sexy women and being triggered plus the accumulation of that energy.

to Johannes: also thanks. Its not so much the part of acting out that concerns me, but the automatic response to beautiful forms that leads to a feeling of having to release that energy. Right now it's not so much a question of orgasmic or non-orgasimic sex, but processing stimulation in a different way, perhaps? im not sure. not feeling guilty is important i agree and crucial in the process.
Franc:it sounds like you are experiencing the same exact thing. thanks for your thoughts about it...some more details below...

The reason i use the word 'energy' is after seeing the triggering person, my heart starts to beat faster and i feel a jolt go through my body. its like a charge. its an automatic response, not a choice. I feel a distinct desire arise and that i want something from this person (have sex with them or whatever). They have something i want. Then I feel separateness and a feeling of lacking. these charges accumulate over the day and then i feel the need release (or purge as Franc said he experiences too). Going for a jog or working out helps sometimes, but at that point its already a risky siutation since i am so triggered. I wish i could transmute the energy at the time of its happening. I wonder if the urge to masturbate to porn have orgasmic sex with another women isn't a way to 'virtually' have sex with the women i saw in the moment of the charge. i guess if we lived in a purely hedonistic and lawless situation, i wonder if i would actually just go up to these women and start having sex with them? that sounds very animal-like and debased. But is this what is going on with the acting out? I wonder if I didnt have these jolts/triggering moments, would i even want to masturbate or having orgasmic sex so much. thats why I would like to neutralize or transmute the energy IN THE MOMENT or soon after. Sorry so scrambled...

Further thoughts

I agree with the idea of resolving all the tension at the moment itself, instead of just temporarily setting it aside leaving it for later inspection and correction.

In fact, today's evening was a particularly awesome experience for me, because somehow I learnt to transmute all sexual energy that I experienced. Evenings are stressful for me, and so today was no exception. I just decided to use the method talked about in an article on chakras and sex sublimation somewhere on Reuniting (breathing technique, basically). And guess what, I felt quite active. It's moments like these that suddenly open up a world of clarity, telling you exactly what needs to be done next and how to go about it. And it's that moment, when you think "what the hell was I even thinking, being addicted to all this crap?", and it's a temporary paradigm-shift. The best paradigm shifts are those that are created by conscious endeavor, because they bring with them the intrinsic experience of actually having made one, rather than being a product of external involuntary situations (=luck).

Your description of being attracted to beauty just matches my own experience too. Somehow, feminine beauty is just so undeniably attractive, that "the feeling to merge with her beauty" matches well. I haven't really had pervert/hard-core porn fantasies really, I found them too ugly. Instead, I had these fantasies of a lovely woman, and we both are in deep communion, in a spirit of exchange (of love, sex, etc.). Now, that sort of desire is still on the lower scale of evolution, so my conscience was there all along, with its subtle but undeniable messages, and that was the key motivator towards celibacy for me. Plenty of excuses come up -- "it's natural, you're a male!" "well, everyone has to marry, how else can mankind survive?" "you should have all types of experiences -- you've been single, but you also have to experience how it is to be a husband and a father" et cetera. I always come up with reason and rhetoric to beat them and be fixed on the path of celibacy. Sure, I don't want whatever benefits may come from having a romantic partner, I'm not so desperate, I can survive and be stable and progress even in excruciating pain -- that is the secret of brahmacharya.

[quote=looking4balance]i guess if we lived in a purely hedonistic and lawless situation, i wonder if i would actually just go up to these women and start having sex with them? that sounds very animal-like and debased. But is this what is going on with the acting out?[/quote]

Considering the trends of the past 5 millenia, I expect mankind to reach such a stage of hedonistic lawlessness in the not-so-distant future. To answer your question, I'll quote the Bible: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:27-28). On a side note, I've started to take an interest in ancient Christianity, which has a lot of interesting ideas and beliefs -- it's a pity that modern Christianity is hardly in accordance with what Christ really meant. In fact, all modern religions are completely screwed up. This is the Kali Yuga, after all.

Is it possible

that the safest, most effective way to transmute the energy is to give it selflessly to another for her/his healing?

I've been out of town and off-line, but it seems you guys are stuck.

stuck indeed

thanks Marnia. I like that idea, but practically how do I 'give' it back? Do you mean by smiling? What if its someone who might not be willing to make eye conatct with me or does reacts to my smile with a negative reaction? What is she isnt even aware of me, how can i help her heal?

Start by seeing yourself as a healing force

Understand that any woman in your life can either be helped to trust men more...or trust them less, depending upon how you treat her...whether you are smiling, flirting, or snuggling.

You matter. Your energy matters. How you use it matters. Remember...you get back what you give out. Think how you would like to be treated.

I know it's a miserable feeling to be burning up with testosterone and your primitive brain's mating agenda. But start by seeing yourself as a diplomat for your gender, and act accordingly. The results may surprise you...and soothe you.

that's seems like something I could try

Seems really simple but completely different way to view to situation. Think how I would like to be treated. Thinking of myself as a representation of men when I encounter a woman makes it more urgent that I act with grace, even if just thoughts. Sometimes it reminds me of when i think 'the record button is always on, (ie the karmic energy imprint button that is).

I will try to be the best damn man each women encounters that day! at least that can be a goal, even if I fall short.
Great advice and east to try. Thank you :)

another idea

I have read some of this thread because I usually come here (to this site) when I am in need of a distraction from my addiction. I am not sure that I can help or if I am going through the same thing as you but I know that when I see beautiful women, my thoughts begin to wander almost immediately, but that is only if I am just recovering from the chemical imbalance induced by masturbation. What I mean to say is that farther down the road of recovery, say 10 days as opposed to 2, I can look at these women and consciously begin to see that they're not objects. This in turn transfers to my subconscious and solidifies it in my brain. The result is that I walk around knowing that I am human and so are all of the members of the opposite sex that I interact with, they are not things, they are not objects to be played with, they are people. Over the course of my lifetime, I've practiced Conscious Control of thought to the extent that I can realize a thought when it occurs and supply "damage control" to that thought. For instance, I have a 2-day recovery lead and I see a well-endowed woman walking down the street next toward me. My first reaction is a furtive glance at her breasts, then one at her torso, and a last one at hips. Usually there is repetition of these glances until I am only a few feet away from her which is when I actually look at her face. I used to practice ignorance as my "damage control" and not look at the woman at all because looking would send me closer to the edge. Nowadays, I practice replacement, where instead of just not looking at all, I have to force myself to look at their faces as they pass, more importantly their eyes, whether they look at me or not.

What I am getting at here is that maybe you should try to go off of what someone above said and think about exactly "how you feel" after the sex or right when you see a woman. You have to put those thoughts into words in your head. In other words, give your mind a voice so that he or she can try to understand what your brain is going through.

As for giving back, I've noticed that I can't go looking for opportunties because the more you don't consciously seek, the more they tend to appear. Maybe if you focus one day on just helping at any turn you take, you'll find there will be more than enough opportunities for you to partake in.

Just as a last note, I wish you luck in the struggle. I am not implying that I have some perfect solution to our problems, but this has worked for me.

great perspective

It seems that you are experiencing similar effects as I am, at least in the few days after orgasm. I too had a recent binge and i find myself today, 2 days later, staring a lot at women and the porn images i saw keep flashing before my eyes, especially when I close them. Its really disturbing. But it sounds if I can tough it out for a few weeks, it will get better. I do the same thing as you in terms of checking out a woman and i have thought to look to the eyes, however if she has beautiful eyes its still hard! I just need to keep reminding myself these are people not body parts. I agree ignoring is not good either since it seems to make it all more powerful. How i feel after objective sex or seeing a woman and fantasing? I feel depressed and even more alone.

Interesting thing popped into my head: i realized I cant seem to go more than a week without either masturbating OR having addictive/objectifying sex. I ask why cant I? What am I afraid of? It seems even the notion of passing up a chance or orgasm via sex if just too valuable. Having a parter there who will have sex with me even if i know its not right, I cant seem to resist. This is exactly why I need to go 2 weeks without sex or masturbation and see that I dont die, i dont shrivel up, and opportunites for sex are not that scarce.

Your reply merges with Marnia's in terms of looking for opportunities to GIVE a way out. I have to change the whole flow of energy here. That's the paradigm shift I was wondering about...

Thanks for the support and sharing your experience as well as solution that helped you. I will try that from now on.

nice article

and clearly supports the ideas here on Reuniting. I identified with [quote]YT: What are the signs that would alert a man that his sexual energy is out of alignment?

SB: If they become frustrated or angry with their partner when they’re not in the mood, that would be a sign that their energy is driving a sexual response rather than a true emotional state. They feel compelled to have an orgasm, and if they don't, they don’t know how to handle that. The energy is too overwhelming for them.[/quote] It's that overwhelming energy I am feeling when I get aroused by beauty or just horny. I have been using the low-level quick fix orgasm to restore balance, but it clearly doesnt (dopmaine). I wonder if the fear I have of not orgasming is a fear of ego death? hmm. anyway, not to get too philosophical, I think i could commit to one month and then decide if to try another month, etc. If it goes as he writes, the decision would be an easy one! Thanks M!

The cycle

Actually, if you see the addiction cycle, the 3rd stage is where you become desensitized to your conscience and other damage control thoughts in general (pain agent->mental preoccupation->desensitization->acting out). It's tough to actually analyze your feelings from the moment you're in the second stage. Of course, there's a voice that tells me all along "just stop, damn it!" but there's an unspoken message from the beast that the addictive behavior somehow has to go on. I don't even consider my options or the consequences. I get lost into the world.

I wonder if the cause of this ignorance-at-the-moment-of-choice really arises out of fear. What possibly can I be afraid of? I don't think it's the fear as such that is the main cause. The main cause is simply this: addicts don't actually love to have addictive sex, but they don't love not having addictive sex. It's the depressing state of mind that lets the beast survive. Until about 10 days ago, I had been hard on myself. Now I realize that when the pain agent sets in (because of withdrawal), falling off from recovery is easy because at that time you can't seriously think about how you initially affirmed that you'll go through any amount of pain and still maintain strength. That sort of hard attitude does not really turn out to be effective. What works instead is compassionate understanding of your situation and a friendly attitude towards oneself that motivates you to get out of this bullshit and lead a better life. "hey Frank, listen, I can understand it's going hard for you, but don't lose spirit! you know you don't want to do all this, so let's just not do it, let's learn from this situation and use the opportunity to grow stronger!" instead of "damn it you crackhead, why can't you ever commit yourself to a change?".

today i tried really hard

to not stare and just smile politely and warmly at passing women. since its only a few days since the binge, i am still seeing body parts and some fantasy, but i am reminding myself that i am stealing energy and need to give it back, so i say a silent thank you and wish the person well either in thought or with a smile. my energy must be really yucky right now since rarely women holding my gaze or smiling back. i will continue to be vigilant and aware of the energy I am taking/giving.
thanks everyone for contributing to this thread. Wink
i will post progress....

Good description of how addiction takes control

It is extremely hard to overcome that "autopilot" phase of addiction without the support of other human beings who care. This is why 12-Step groups work. It's also why the Exchanges work.

You are trying to do it by yourselves, for yourselves. I think you will have more success if you have a larger goal in mind: doing it FOR the world (by helping to raise the low vibration out there and help others who are trapped find the path you help build as you overcome the addiction), or doing it FOR a closer connection with the Divine, or doing it FOR a partner (present or future).

Find something larger than your "little selves" - exercise your inner nobility. If you're just trying to stop to benefit your "little self," then every time it'll be easy for that addictive persona to convince you that "it doesn't matter if you binge one more time before you get serious about stopping."

*** On to larger issues ***

That article on Brahmacarya was interesting, because it was clear that affectionate contact with his mate was a key part of his success. You and Frank don't seem to have noticed that part of the article.

What if the key that will unlock you from your prisons is emotional connection (not necessarily "getting it on," Frank) with the opposite sex? I know there's a lot of resistance to this idea. As part of my spiritual quest, I reached a point where I was going to give up on relationships and "find God" all by myself. It was a huge relief. Just me and God. (Just like it's just "you and your addiction challenge.")

I remember crying in fear, fury and frustration when the clues came that my spiritual path would involve learning deep union with the opposite sex. It wasn't that I didn't like men. It was that I was uneasy about being dependent upon one for a joint effort, especially a joint effort that had recently become so important to me (closer union with the Divine). It was my first insight into just how deep the wedge of mistrust between the sexes goes in our lives.

We may want to play with each other, or produce offspring with each other, but we don't want to "reunite" with each other at an emotional, selfless, caring level, where we feel like two hands of the same body.

One repercussion of this insight (about deep uneasiness toward the opposite sex) is that the Gnostic gospels (which turned up in upper Egypt 60 years ago) made sense to me. The Gospel of Philip explained that procreation led to a "separation" between male and female, an emotional alienation of some sort. As the Gospel of Philip says, "Christ comes again to heal this wound, to rediscover the lost unity, to enliven those who kill themselves in separation, reviving them in union." and "[Jesus came] to the place of separation so as to reunite all that had been separated in God." (For more: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/nag_hammadi_sacrament_bridal_chamber)

Don't think I've gone all "Christian" on you, because there are similar concepts in Taoist and Tantric thought about the spiritual implications of reuniting male and female. The point is that they were quite likely also at the heart of Christianity.

My real point is that there may be a much larger struggle going on in your hearts. The symptoms are related to your addiction to porn, but the cure may be overcoming your alienation from the opposite sex.

Since you aren't making much progress on the symptoms, try working on the alienation for a while. Ask for inspiration on how you can forgive the opposite sex, and prepare yourself for fearless union. Sounds corny, but just try it.

I have a really close friend who was an arch-lesbian when we met. In the course of our lengthy discussions about the cosmic significance of forgiveness toward the opposite sex, she actually DID this. She spent time in spiritual contemplation asking to get her heart open toward men, to stop judging them so harshly, etc.

Although it was not her goal, she was absolutely flabbergasted when a MAN asked her out within a week or so. She has fallen in love with a couple of men since (too stubborn to try controlled intercourse, though *grin*).

But my point is that there is a profound, largely hidden, alienation between the sexes on this planet, and as we heal it, we naturally move toward union. You don't see this alienation because you think you "love women's beauty." But, in effect, you are being kept separate from women (at least at a nourishing heart level) by your addiction. For one thing, you are nearly blind to the wellbeing that such nourishment offers. You have forgotten. Just as my friend had forgotten how important harmony with male energy was for her.

In short, since you can't fight the addiction, try healing your underlying alienation. Try asking for insights to heal your uneasiness and judgments and fears of deep union with the opposite sex.

I sense that this seemingly unrelated step could furnish the next steps for healing the addiction too. What have you got to lose?

And, may I suggest that it is this fear of the opposite sex which may be at the heart of your fear of giving up your addiction to orgasm? In cosmic terms, the issue may be even larger. The deeper fear may be the fear of giving up your addiction to earth plane living. It could even be a step toward transcendence. Fear of the unknown is natural...but both of you have been reading a lot of spiritual texts for years. Maybe part of you is longing for something larger. And maybe your alienation from the opposite sex is a barrier to that larger something.

Certainly, if deep union is the place humanity hid the keys for heightened spiritual awareness, then it's obvious why we so seldom find them. Look at how difficult it is for us to overcome this deep uneasiness toward the opposite sex. Frank would rather write reams about his misery than consider for one moment that he needs a girlfriend to get over his problem. Wink

I know what he's feeling, because I felt it too. But maybe the Divine is asking us to find those keys again and oil them up. Just a thought. The good news is that there really does seem to be a healing synergy between the sexes when we don't use each other for those dopamine thrills. Fascinating, don't you think?

Yeah it is fascinating. I

Yeah it is fascinating. I have the same fear/alienation problem with women. I read religious texts pertaining to enlightenment all the time! I find it hard to connect at an emotional level with women. I don't know where that comes from or how to heal that.

You say to ask for insight? How do you do that? I'm afraid of intimacy with an unknown source or god, or whatever it is that I'm speaking to when asking for guidance. I came from a Christian background and having felt disillusioned with it, turned to Buddhism. I know that everyone prays to someone, even if it's just a wish, or a strong desire or want. Sometimes i wish i could pray, but i won't.

Are there any other ways to attract a partner, at least a female friend? I don't want to turn to psychics, or voodoo, or anything like that. What advice can you give Marnia (or anyone else)?

"Doing it FOR a partner (present or future)..."

This sentence by Marnia made me think of a practical way which helps me control addiction to masturbation (I don't have an addiction to porn).

In short, I don't do it for an abstract future partner, but for a real potential one. There is almost always a woman I like a lot, and I "use" her as my inspirational muse, I think often of her (that happens naturally, I don't really put any effort in that). After some time, somehow the need to masturbate recedes, and I tend to think that I manage to control myself "for her".

In the past few months it has been happening with a nice and friendly colleague of mine at work. I don't really have close contacts with her, perhaps she even has a boyfriend. I mean that perhaps there is no real possibility to get together. I know that, yet my "trick" seems to work.

Perhaps I am just silly! :?

Knights once loved to have a lady

to inspire them to their highest achievements. Even if they couldn't marry her. Think you were once a knight? Wink

See this article on Cortezia: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/courtly_love_chivalry_cortezia_cathars_...

It's also possible that some employed controlled intercourse. Hmmmm....

Incidentally, the only way that I could practice controlled intercourse consistently was when I did it for the benefit of my partner (once I realized that my partners were actually happier when they didn't come). It had to be a gift in order to work right.

No psychics, no voodoo

Just set a clear intention that you want this block removed, and ask for insights about how to release it.

Then you might try to get in touch with the things you resent women for (bad experiences from your past) and ask your Creator for a new way of seeing those experiences.

I did this with men. I was goofy about men, but it always seemed to me like they started acting crazy and selfish after I got involved with them. When I asked to have the block removed, what came through was this insight about how we're ALL acting crazy and selfish...thanks to that primitive programming, and that passion - my strong suit Wink - was contributing to the problem.

Once I understood that men weren't crazy or selfish, but were laboring under a handicap (that I eventually realized that I shared!), I found it easy to forgive them. It was easier to adore them...and forgive them when they slipped back into old habits and screwed up.

Try some affirmations like "I now easily open my heart to women and experience nurturing, healing relationships." "I forgive the women in my life who caused me pain, and understand that they had the same handicap as the rest of us." Design your own.

And, above all, be watching for insights, or answers. They will come.

PS - Did you know that Buddha said...

"Buddhatvam Yosityonisamasritam” (Sanskrit for "enlightenment resides in the yoni")?

Many Buddhists don't know what to make of that teaching, so the concept is usually overlooked. The Tibetan Buddhists, on the other hand, use women in secret as part of their rituals...but do not view them as equals. (See http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/tibetan_buddhist_misogyny_june_campbell)

Whatever our religious background, we humans just don't like to think of mutual transcendence being found through intimate union between equals. We're used to thinking of sexual union ONLY for the purposes of procreation and recreation.


can see how this is connected to the addiction. I know I have a deep fear and also resentment toward women and i know it came from the alienation and disappointment i felt as a kid with my mother. I really think this alienation/resentment underlies a lot of sex addicts behavior, at least mine. I don't know if I have ever felt the nurturing of a woman, or rather opened my heart to it. I usually just feel fear, frustration, anger, sexual desire toward women, but not emotional connection. I agree its time to look at causes not symptoms. I feel very motivated now and will ask the universe to remove my blocks and old patterns towards women.

On a side note, I don't know where i found the power to do this, but somehow i did and i can see the results clearly today. A girl I date came home from a trip and we met last night and i stayed over her place. I wanted to have sex (as usual) but I remember i am committing to not orgasming for at least one week, as a short first goal. I said that I just wanted to have oral sex (me giving to her), but after she wanted me to make love to her. I resisted cause i knew that meant coming, but she urged me, so I did but told myself stop if I feel I will orgasm. I made slow movements and holding and kissing, and she came many times, but somehow I managed to control and didn't go for my own. I couldn't believe it. I have NEVER withdrawln from a woman without orgasm or intent to orgasm. Afterwards, I felt good that i just gave pleasure and upheld my commitment i made. I didn't die and this morning I don't feel depressed or that the world is a colorless place and lethargic (which is how normally feel the day after sex). That is the first time in my life I think I have FELT sex without orgasm being the most remembered thing of the experience.

Anyway, today I ask for old fears to be removed and I do this not just for myself, but for my future and current partner and all addicts suffering. Thanks for helping me shift perception, Marnia! Big hug!!!

Very courageous

And what a fun, encouraging pat on the back from the Divine, eh? Good for you being willing to make a breakthrough. (At least you no longer think I'm completely insane when I tell you that "less can be more.") Sounds like you also will be nominated for "World's Greatest Lover," just as you always hoped. Wink

I'm glad you're zeroing in on overcoming the fear between the sexes, too. That's a big one. It takes the most courage of all changes, but it's really a great feeling to fall deeply in love with the opposite sex. It's kind of like "coming home" somehow.

A big hug for you, too!

One of the most important

One of the most important questions I've been thinking about for the past few days is that I literally can't think of a reason as to why anyone would be attracted to the opposite sex? I mean, if you put sexual pleasure out of the equation completely, what is the reason for a man's love for a woman? I mean, hey, a woman is just like the other side of the coin of humanity, just the opposite sex. Just as you have a male friend, you have a female friend. What the heck is romance?

From a perspective of a sexual addict (not a love addict), I think it's somewhat related to how addicts objectify women. Since I've been trying to look at women as a human with just a different body configuration, I've been wondering as to why I should even have a girlfriend. Is it because of the feminine mindset that is significantly different but supportive towards the male mindset? It's got to be the mindset, because you've put physical features out of consideration. What do you think?

By the way, looking4balance, I must say that we share a lot in common (although you're much elder than me).

[quote=looking4balance]i know it came from the alienation and disappointment i felt as a kid with my mother... I don't know if I have ever felt the nurturing of a woman, or rather opened my heart to it.[/quote]

I'm still alienated with my mother, and all the pressures in life are just so much that somehow it seems I just can't balance everything with complete consideration. Even when my mother comes around me to hug or simply show motherly affection, I turn away and go without replying, because of shame of having beastly thoughts about women.

Also, Marnia, I know this debate might be beginning to bore you now, but I hope you'd just answer my question. I've been trying to avoid having a girlfriend not only because of social reasons I mentioned (my lack of attraction, parental disapproval, etc.) but more importantly I've been avoiding it out of fear that I might develop attachment and I might revert back to my addiction subconsciously, because I allow myself a compromise by slipping into passion "just a little". And what about all the great spiritual leaders the world has seen? Buddha, Christ, and a large number of Hindu leaders (Vivekananda, Aurobindo, Ramakrishna Paramhamsa, etc.), they were certainly not stupid to practise strict celibacy.

What do you think?