I spent 3 consecutive days masturbating after making it almost 2 weeks without. I felt suicidal, nervous, and just wanted to end everything. I try so hard to just let things be, and thank goodness i didn't do anything to hurt myself even though the feelings were strong. I even thought of ways i could just end my life. It gets to me hard especially after this beautiful woman told me it wouldn't work out between us. I understand she was way older and was going through a lot, but still, i don't think she went with her feelings and instead listened to others advice. I think many times people take others advice too seriously and can't go with their gut or heart. It's sad when i went with my heart all the way and the other person couldn't.
After the "break up," i spent 3 days indulging, trying to soothe my hurt. It wasn't a good thing for me to have done that because it made my already hurt feelings more intense.
I feel that staying positive during these times is the best thing we could do. Getting support from people who understand; friends can help, but also just doing everything your suppose to during the day. I spent 24 hours without the computer yesterday because i wanted to see if i could do it, and i did! It felt great because i could apply my energies to other activities and the depression and suicidal thought/feelings lifted a bit.
Anyways, i find Imago therapy to be pretty cool. Basically it says that we are interacting with our movie, and not with the actual world as it is. Our movie is made up of our past experiences; all the things we were told as children, teens, etc. and which we held on to as true. Just knowing this helps me a lot because it releases my anger towards others and instead makes it me feel like everything's ok since it's just my movie. I can make friends with my movie, let it play instead of struggling with it.
Anyways, i might see this woman today, we're friends and i'm trying to let her know i have a hard time being friends when i still have feelings towards her. I know I'm making a mistake in a way, but at the same time, it's my heart speaking. I want to be with her because i love her, not because of anything else. I love the way she is, everything about her, i could picture her with me being happy, working our difficulties out, and enjoying our path together.
I don't know why it feels that nowadays people need to be perfect (as if there were such a thing as perfect) before they can fall in love. There needs to be right conditions; why? I see how people decide on getting together for financial reasons, what can i get out of it, instead of what can i give. I felt strong feelings of attraction for both her interior and exterior person. And still that wasn't enough for a relationship to happen. I don't get it, I'm smart, have a job, went to school, and have a good heart. What else could another person want? Money, fame, power, what? I'm saddened by this culture and how it has conditioned all of our movies to be so depressing (in general). But at the same time I'm hopeful and optimistic about my situation. I feel it can only get better. Maybe it won't work out, but at least i know i didn't hold back. I didn't fight my movie and suppress what i felt, i went through with it.
Thanks for visiting.