I am a 26 year old male. I was browsing the Internet one day curiously looking up vitamin Cs link with dopamine after hearing about something on my favorite news radio show. One of the dopamine search results displayed your brain on porn website. Out of curiosity I clicked on it and watched the videos which then lead me to the testimonials. A lot of the symptoms people were sharing were strangely familiar with myself. Low energy, depression, no motivation, irritability, ED, etc. This was the first time a giant light bulb went off in my head that PMO was a serious problem. I PMO any where from 2-4 times a week sometimes twice in one session. Not an extreme obsession but enough that almost 10 years of abusing Internet videos had done a toll on me both mentally and physically. I started Ming when I was 12 started out with fantasy, magazines, Internet photos then videos. The last several years my tastes definitely changed for the worst as far as what was getting me off. First time I had sex I could barely get it up without stroking myself. I blamed this on me being nervous because as I got more comfortable with my gf I didn't have any issues prob because I stopped PMO. Though throughout the few years with her I never really had normal sensitivity which caused me problems of getting off and maintaining a full erection which I thought was because I was just always drunk most the time. Now I see it could be attributed from over stimulation from the years of Ming. Anyways after college the next girl I was with it always felt like a struggle getting it up and maintaining at full mast. I also worried about PE so I'd PMO every couple days to knock one out so I didn't embarrass myself but this lead mostly to that vicious PMO cycle. As I look back on my life I never really felt confident, always nervous and shy around girls, low energy and motivation to hang out with my friends. Truthfully I usually have to push myself to go out and interact with friends because I rather be in solitude. When I do go out I feel awkward and have to rely on some alcohol to relax and have a good time. Then after awhile I realize how lonely I am til I go home which leads to PMO. Not a good way to live. Also when I look at girls that I know are attractive I just don't feel any excitement. Its been rough since college I feel completely out of place with my life going no where even though I work for a great company.
So after coming here I feel that there can be a bright future ahead of me. I realize my addiction has deteriorated my brain and I'm ready to reboot.
Week 1 Nov. 4
This week was very interesting not knowing what really to expect. For the first time in I don't know how long my mood was not only only consistently good but it was definitely higher then my usual sporadic good moods. I Was just extremely energetic and alive it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and the blinders were off my eyes. I felt completely positive not only about myself but toward the people and surroundings around me. No more irritability or feelings of wanting to seclude myself from the world and feeling contempt about being alone. During this time I did feel lots of urges toward the end of the day which were actually amazing lightly orgasmic feelings but it did make me feel somewhat antsy to relieve these symptoms but I refused to give in. Other symptoms were slight headaches the last two days.
Week 2 Nov. 11
Well I relapsed this first day, unfortunately. The last week I had this thought in my head from an Internet video I was planning to act on before I started this challenge that was creating a lot of my urges. I was in the shower and the thought immediately took off. Never been this excited in a long time felt good. I tried running cold water on the area for a while but my hormones couldn't be stopped. I knew I had to get these thoughts out Of my head and debated over and over on what to do. I had to act on it or else I felt it would plague my mind in the future. I just needed to purge it out of my system in order to move on. Strangely enough I didn't feel my usual shame and disgust I normally have right after. So far my mood was good but then 3 hours later my mood went straight to hell. I became distant, depressed and irritable. This lasted for pretty much most of the day and only slightly improved towards the end. Next day I felt better but not as good as the couple of days leading up to the relapse. Amazing how PMO has imbalanced my brain and I don't even consider myself a severe case. Another great thing is that video I needed to get out of my system is no longer on my mind today it practically is scrubed from my head. So my gamble worked for me in this case and feel almost liberated to move on with this unprecedented journey. I'm guessing one of the keys to my challenge is to not look at any P. This will cause me to obsess on the fantasy and eventually act on it. But in a strange way I'm glad I relapsed early because now I know the severe mood effects it immediately had on me. It's another motivation I can use in my advantage to kick this habit. So my next post will be in a few weeks unless I have something inspiring to add to the forum.
Thanks Gary and Marnia for reuniting and ybop and everyone that took the time to listen. Wish me luck!!!