time for solitude and sometimes struggle

Submitted by looking4balance on
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I have been working at home the last few weeks and the amount of time spent alone has been really excrutiating at times and has made the porn addiction even harder to deal with. It seems boredom, loneliness, fear of future..all these things can make porn seem so inviting and wipe away uncomfortable feelings, going numb using fantasy and sexual images. But I also know that the aftermath is depression and despair, so i have been not indulging. Having the previous structure of working full time in the office didn't give me as many chances or freedom to do what i want during the day. I am often alone in my room with the PC and a fast internet connection (trouble!) lol. Its only trouble if I create trouble, right?

I also told the girl that I have been seeing/dating I don't want to have sex and to see what kind of energy there is between us underneath using each other for sex. My guess is this relationship is indeed addictive and that we will drift apart. I also think there are elements of self-hate that have to be dealt with since this hating (not actually self, but false self i have created) and the fear of connecting with my authentic self are wrapped up in the porn addiction problem, as well as opening to love and connecting deeply with another person. I am working with a therapist now to try to uncover some of these points. Another thing i have realized is there is no way to get through this without uncovering some really uncomfortable and painful feelings while going through this journey. Its unavoidable I think, but there must be joy on the other side.

I would really like to recommend a supplemental technique to those also involved in stopping porn addiction. One thing i have found that continues to help me is to read stories of those affected by the porn industry (the addicts struggling who have overcome, the performers, the abused in the name of porn, the trafficking of children for sex sexual slavery, etc..) in order to see the reality of the 'world' we are participating in. We might say, "oh well i don't look at BAD stuff", but we are part of the same mind or energy, the same greedy selfish mind that just wants OUR pleasure at the expense of objectifying other human beings. It's not that much different I think. It's just a wake up thing that helps me if feeling tempted and a better use of net reading than porn, thats for sure. I can send some links for those interested.

I wish all those on these boards (and those everywhere) strength and courage to connect with their real beings and to escape the self-imposed prison of porn addiction. You can do it - so can I!!!