I met up with my girl after what felt like a very long week and half of being apart. I was excited and looking forward to sex but there was a little nagging feeling in my head all day long. Had the last successful time been a one off?
We spent a chilled night at her place; food, wine, kissing, cuddling, flirting, laughing. After dinner we got more physical and moved to the bedroom. I remember running down the corridor with a large erection. But in her room it went. Nothing. So I'm left with just my fingers and tongue. The night becomes all about her. She loves that but as usual I feel left out. I can't get any pleasure myself. I can't be my dominant self. Frustrating. I tell her I'd be thinking about 'fucking her brains out' all day long. She says in her usual patient and understanding way 'We I'll just have to wait' and smiles.
Around 4am I wake up to go to the toilet. When I get back into bed she murmurs and puts her arms around me. We cuddle in our sleep and her hand unintentionally rests on my cock. I get turned on which she notices and so starts to gently stroke me. I kiss her really deeply as she starts using both hands. I am now fully erect, full hardness. I pull her close to me and she guides my cock inside her. We have sex for a few minutes and it feels amazing. Then we both realise this is incredibly stupid because I'm not wearing a condom and she is not on the pill. It's all we want but we resist the urge. We play for a bit and then fall back asleep.
This morning she wakes me up with a blow job but as usual I don't ejaculate. After 10 minutes I pull her towards me and we kiss. She goes for a shower and I masturbate out of intrigue but I can't really get hard. Masturbation actually felt odd. She comes back into the room, puts on her makeup for work, then says we have 20 minutes to play. She drops her robe, walks across the room, and sits on me. The feel of her soft skin, her breasts in my face, her smell; I get so turned on. That was an interesting direct side by side comparison. It's great to see myself being more receptive to a woman's touch and presence rather than my own hand. Exactly as things should be.
All in all this was a mixed bag. I thought after our last night together that I was fixed. This was unexpected, annoying, and confusing. What was up in the evening? Did I psyche myself out thinking about this? We smoked a joint before dinner which may of had an effect...
In the middle of the night I had no problem getting or staying hard. So what was different then? In my sleepy state I had no thoughts, there were no expectations, it just happened. When we were together a couple of weekends back we had sex all night and I was hard the whole time. I was also very drunk so again wasn't thinking much. Based on these two situations I'm sure the problem is now just psychological. I need to learn to get to this state of no thoughts or worries naturally. Easier said than done. Relaxing, breathing, no expectations. I've tried it all. It's tricky for me as thinking hard about things is a large part of my character.
Another thing is I'm finding condoms really kill it for me. We loose all the spontaneity and I loose immersion and often my erection. I'm really considering talking to her about going on the pill again. Obviously that's her choice. She talked about it before and didn't mention any side effects for her other than larger breasts. When I have an erection I want to be able to put it to use instantly rather than running the condom gauntlet.
I left her place this morning with a head full of negative thoughts and insecurities. Am I actually going to solve this problem? Is my sex life always going to be like this? Is this fair on her? She loves sex so much. I feel like suggesting she should go and find another man. Or maybe we try for another month and if it doesn't work then we call it quits. Because each sexual interaction like this with her brings me down. She didn't say anything about it. Part of me is amazed she is still with me. I feel like asking her why. Why haven't you turned your back on this? I guess she must really like me.
It sucks because everything else between us feels great. We are so comfortable together. She's the person I want to see. When we say good bye it feels like we didn't have enough time together. I want her to stay in my arms. There is still so much I want to talk to her about, so much I want to find out. I don't know if she feels it but I think I may be falling in love.
In general I'm not an insecure person but this situation has me worried. I've already lost a girl I love from ED. I really don't want this to happen again. I want us to have a great relationship. I want us to have a great sex life, I don't want it to be like this. I need to talk to her but at the same time I don't want to put pressure on her. I don't want her to feel any sense of obligation to stay in this relationship.
And all of this because a part of my body is not functioning properly. Crazy!