Help from women

Submitted by Kimmou on
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Hi,

Are there any females who has become seriously ill by their spouses porn addiction. My spouse is mentally so devastated and filled with hatred and disgust that she's almost in psychosis. When we met porn was a part of my daily life and I was hiding it from her. As months went by she started to find porn website from her computer but she didn't tell me about those. First three months she was "getting to know" what I was looking but not telling me about that. She was devastated by the videos she saw, disgusting rough porn, teen porn, women with implants etc.. She hadn't encountered porn in her life before. Now she spent couple of months watching those videos I had been watching. Then one day she she had a panic attack in the middle of a street due to feelings of betrayal she had been pressing down. She had been sexually hurt in her previous life but still was able to overcome the fear to trust a man she really loved, only to find out that her spouse is porn addict. After the panic attack she told me that she knew what I was doing. At the time I didn't understand that I had a problem and was very selfish and didn't really understand what's the problem, those are only videos and pictures, nothing real, fuck I was stupid and selfish back then. I made her a promise that I wouldn't watch porn no more. It took a month until I relapsed and she found out. That was the first time I had a glimpse that I might have a problem. I started to read about inner child and about stuff that might be causing my problem and pornwatching. Slowly but surely she was getting worse and didn't want me to see her naked. We still had sex but arfterwords she felt disgusted by my touch. I was couple of months without porn but didn't have the tools to quit it entirely. I was also anxious of destroying our relationship and it got me back in watching porn sometimes and hiding about it. In the meantime we had better and worse times, but the porn was effecting on our relationship all the time. I left her to fight her battle on her own because I wasn't honest about my porn use. The she started to get more ill. She forced me to name 10 pornstars I had jacked of the most. I did it and she made an average of those and decided that she must get breast implants, botox on her lips, lose 20 pounds (She is really beautiful and has a great body), get ass implants and whiten her teeth. She started to save money for those operations and was fighting the fight to become a porn for me. Fortunately all my secrets came out before she went to the doctor. When she found out that I had been watching porn during her inner battle to change herself (about 3 months ago) it ultimately destroyed her. Then she found out about YBOP and recommended it to me and we installed safe eyes on the computers I use. That is when my rebooting started (84 days of total absence of everything) and I know i'll never go back for that shit again. But since then everything has gone worse for her, she feels more and more hatred. Everyday it is getting worse for her. One thing I would do anything for, is getting her on the road for recovery. But I don't know what to do because I can't get close to her. We're living together. Anybody there who has gone through similar hell. How to start healing? Where can she find the strength to get help? I can't change the past , but I'm being here and wan't help her in her recovery, at the moment I just want to help her to find the beautiful gracious human being she was before she met me and porn.

Sounds like she needs

to see a good counselor so she can get some help reframing the situation. Unfortunately, this is probably not something you can help her with. If she can't afford the help, then find her a good website for partners of recovering porn addicts in her language.

My thought is that, as an evolutionary matter, we women are used to being uneasy about potential rivals, and that a primitive part of her brain sees these 2-D images as rivals. (In a sense they *were* stealing your mojo. Wink ) How tragic that she is trying to compete with them by seeking surgery, etc.

Maybe help her understand that the reason you love her is not for her body, but for the fact that she is real, that you can touch her, that she is your life companion. And that those 2-D figures can't offer any of that.

Good luck.

Basically my text above came

Basically my text above came out dismissive. To give it a real perspective why forgiveness is impossible and why our relationship is in such a crisis and she can't never trust me again I will add something to it. I hope no one ever treats their loved ones as I did. I guess the most important issue for her suffering is all the lying. While she was coping to change her self "pornish" for me and was feeling devastated about it, I was falsely supporting her, giving her the idea that everything will be fine as long as she forgets and forgives. During that time I was still hooked on porn and was watching it behind her back. I also didn't support her in her battle becoming porn for me, I wasn't giving her any chance to be the porn for me. I let her fall in her own destructive thoughts and depression and didn't stop her fall. Instead sometimes I was selfishly thinking in my mind why can't she give it a rest and give me some attention and the kind of a sex I was fantasizing in my mind. Sexually I found PMO more stimulating than her and real sex and It was more important for me than her and the kids. That has destroyed her self esteem and also the fact that I have judged and compared her sex appeal, femininity and appearance to porn. So basically I have been very narcissistic. Regarding porn I didn't have any morality or conscience. I gave her no chance of feeling sexually special because of the lying about porn and the comparison between her and porn in my head. I had many times I could have stopped porn and times I was back against the wall, I promised many times to be without it but after few weeks or months when the urge hit I chose porn and lied about it instead of telling her before or afterwards. That could have changed something, but no, I wasn't man enough to admit her on my own.

My porn use has definately been away from her, from our relationship and from our sex. It has been everything, it has destroyed everything, it has sickened a mind of a beautiful woman and she has wasted three years of her life with an unreliable spouse. How could she forgive? The reality was that I wanted to jack off more than make love to her. I suggested her to wear pornish clothes and act pornish. Couple of times I was fantasizing about porn when we were making love. I was taking erection pills to maintain longer erections in real sex. I have also found random women on a street or wherever sexually fantasizable. It is not possible to feel sexy under these circumstances. It is a real deal, not just a threat or subconscious reaction for her, life in porn reality destroyes human beings and relationships.

I'm so sorry, you will need

I'm so sorry, you will need to both be patient. You have taken great steps 84 days.

I have the support and encouragement of my wife. When your wife feels better she will be a great ally for you.

Time heals all wounds.

fcjl8

you aren't alone

a lot of guys have done the same things, bringing porn things into the bedroom.

Now its important not to be too judgmental of yourself. You are doing something about the problem and the best you can. It's ipmortant to stay positive. Hopefully you can rescue your relationship with your wife and help her help herself. But being judgmental of yourself and condeming yourself is actually not helpful. You need to be there for your wife, so stop the guilty talk and pull yourself together so you can be the rock she needs right now. That guilt is just going to *keep* you from being in a place to help your wife help herself. And she needs you.

relatable

I can so relate to the part where your wife wanted to get butt implants, and so on as there was a phase in my life before that it's as if I was competing with them. Discovering my hubby's addiction was the most devastating experience for me. It's true, we lose ourselves in the process of helping our partners. I think time will only heal the trust issues, I mean, I love my husband but the fear will always be existent. With your wife going thru counseling, alongside your full support and reassurance, everything will be ok. Best of luck.