The war within

Submitted by freedom on
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I’ve been thinking about Gary’s thread http://www.reuniting.info/node/9508. Folks are here for different reasons. Reboot can be boiled down to resolving ED by improving brain balance or it can be deeper where one tries to rewire core characteristics and circumstances that led to PMO use proclivity in the first place. If one thinks of this as a side of a bell curve, getting that residual growth as one shifts more standard deviations from the mean takes a lot more work than getting the initial benefit from less brain stimulation. That added effort for marginal results could even be counterproductive at some point due to negative reinforcement.

I’ve gone over 120 days in the past. I’m nowhere near that now. There’s a whole bunch of possible explanations, but none of that really matters. A pattern seems to be emerging. I clearly build up sexual energy. I enjoy that. Then at some point it exceeds my threshold not to act in some way and it all has to start again. How I got to 120+ days is beyond me as I’ve had many instances in which I had to start over. One possible explanation is meeting a female who I was confusingly interested in and not definitively knowing at the time where the relationship was going. We’re still friends, but it isn’t going beyond that and I no longer want it to. However, it was a relationship that triggered a lot in me and that might have helped me avoid PMO. It gave me a taste of what I could have from within myself. Back to the present, I’ve tried the energy circulations. Even one that I proposed doesn’t seem to work at the moment. Something seems blocked. Yet, at the same time, there is much conscious awareness of need. I’m not sure that is neediness. Perhaps it is honesty. I’m overwhelmingly preoccupied and can’t dedicate the psychic resources to this internal war or its resolution. I’m sort of at a standoff position where I blocking myself from moving forward and don’t want to move back. That’s creating excess frustration. The positive side is I can at moments intensely feel the other side of this wall, despite not seeing the doorway.

Some things that might be holding me back (might update this later as I think of more things):

  • My lifestyle hasn’t changed that much since starting this process. I might even be more isolated in some ways. I’ve made some changes, but they are not inherently positive in manifestation at this point. I’m not sure if it will get positive as I seem stuck with the old underlying problems and no immediately apparent ways out.
  • I’ve not managed to get into a relationship. I have developed some female friendships, but everyone is busy and they are somewhat inadequate beyond their limited scope of interacting now and then or doing some activities together. Perhaps I need more options, but I don’t have the time to grow the circle.
  • Although I agree codependence is likely the reality, I’m trying to avoid putting too much stock in any one person. I might yield on that if I really liked someone. It hasn’t happened yet, but I see from my interactions with this one female that there might be an undiscovered world within me.
  • While I’m interested in intimacy, I’m not interested in sex, at least initially. That is very contrary to the mainstream world and makes dating and finding ways to explore intimacy challenging.
  • I’ve not managed to completely avoid PMO for long extended periods in a while. That could be limiting where I might go.
  • Online dating sites might not be such a great idea. I’ve met some possible friends, but there is something a little unnatural about it that doesn’t compare to meeting humans in real life. Browsing has porn-like elements that seem hard to avoid.

Comments

I don't do much conscious

I know about the touch, but when the touch isn't there, I can't just sit around waiting.

I don't do much conscious fantasy, but subconsciously it's more active. Porn could never compete. It's perhaps like riding a bike from place to place versus getting hit by a bus and landing near, but off target from, one's destination.

Are you suggesting I do more conscious fantasy? One issue with this form of fantasy is that it is slow. I sometimes won't get out of bed to allow it to go on. Another issue is morning erections that can lead to MO. When slower fantasy hits the old wiring anything can happen. That is how my long period of abstinence ended.

Maybe I'll try written fantasy to see if that helps explore energy. I've found a soft kiss on myself can be helpful. Maybe this will have a similar benefit at a mind level.

I agree with that. It's also

I agree with that. It's also slower and gives one more chance to walk away. Perhaps I'll try with an active imagination angle in which I can entice the porn tempted part of myself with fantasy instead. I'm not sure how much I can do gentler/karezza fantasy while awake. Getting into bed isn't always practical. Some women have mentioned to me that they didn't like the use of even this form of fantasy. In theory, it is ego driven. I've not tried such an approach so I'll give it a whirl. I have noticed that if I fight subconscious fantasy, I'm almost certain to PMO in some combination. When I went a long time, I let my sleeping mind roam as it wanted. When it seemed to be too much about one person, I fought it and that created an internal battle that didn't settle for months, but led to much growth. That battle is part of what led to this current mess. The fantasy can get a bit emotionally intense to the point that I'm sad there's no one to share with. I feel for both people in a sense and it is lovely. It's a weird way to wake up. If it goes on for days, it can be consuming which I don't like, but try not to fight.

I admire your

determination to find a workable holding pattern. Wish I knew the answer. This site is called "reuniting" because I think there's an amazing synergy possible between mates. In short, I haven't been studying "celibate solutions." [skepti]

Do you think there is

Do you think there is anything to being more self-steady before and during a relationship? That seems to honor connection and co-dependence by making a lower pressure and less outcome dependent choice.

By self-steady, I don't mean using PMO within a relationship. I mean being more mindful of how one uses O before and during a relationship and strengthening one's keel. Abstaining entirely and by willpower might not be the best or only way to skin the cat, especially for those not committed to long-term celibacy.

Honestly

I don't think self-sufficiency is as healthy a goal as we presume it to be. That said, I think it's good to have some temporary measures for coping when solo...such as meditation, exercise, whatever. Not sure what "self-steady" means. I do not believe healthy interdependence is the same thing as co-dependence. And I really do not enjoy this type of word play argumentation.

You're right that there are many cat-skinning options while solo. Good luck finding the right one for you.

Didn't like these games in

Didn't like these games in law school? I'm not trying to word play. I couldn't think of a word for pro co-dependence that also supports independent growth. It's a duality. Self-steady or whatever we want to call it is about how one processes both their own needs and the needs of a partner/others. It incorporates mindfulness, but has broader elements that help one be vulnerable, non-dismissive, other focused at the right times, secure in disagreement, etc. It's not self-sufficiency in the typical need no others sense.