I’ve been thinking about Gary’s thread http://www.reuniting.info/node/9508. Folks are here for different reasons. Reboot can be boiled down to resolving ED by improving brain balance or it can be deeper where one tries to rewire core characteristics and circumstances that led to PMO use proclivity in the first place. If one thinks of this as a side of a bell curve, getting that residual growth as one shifts more standard deviations from the mean takes a lot more work than getting the initial benefit from less brain stimulation. That added effort for marginal results could even be counterproductive at some point due to negative reinforcement.
I’ve gone over 120 days in the past. I’m nowhere near that now. There’s a whole bunch of possible explanations, but none of that really matters. A pattern seems to be emerging. I clearly build up sexual energy. I enjoy that. Then at some point it exceeds my threshold not to act in some way and it all has to start again. How I got to 120+ days is beyond me as I’ve had many instances in which I had to start over. One possible explanation is meeting a female who I was confusingly interested in and not definitively knowing at the time where the relationship was going. We’re still friends, but it isn’t going beyond that and I no longer want it to. However, it was a relationship that triggered a lot in me and that might have helped me avoid PMO. It gave me a taste of what I could have from within myself. Back to the present, I’ve tried the energy circulations. Even one that I proposed doesn’t seem to work at the moment. Something seems blocked. Yet, at the same time, there is much conscious awareness of need. I’m not sure that is neediness. Perhaps it is honesty. I’m overwhelmingly preoccupied and can’t dedicate the psychic resources to this internal war or its resolution. I’m sort of at a standoff position where I blocking myself from moving forward and don’t want to move back. That’s creating excess frustration. The positive side is I can at moments intensely feel the other side of this wall, despite not seeing the doorway.
Some things that might be holding me back (might update this later as I think of more things):
- My lifestyle hasn’t changed that much since starting this process. I might even be more isolated in some ways. I’ve made some changes, but they are not inherently positive in manifestation at this point. I’m not sure if it will get positive as I seem stuck with the old underlying problems and no immediately apparent ways out.
- I’ve not managed to get into a relationship. I have developed some female friendships, but everyone is busy and they are somewhat inadequate beyond their limited scope of interacting now and then or doing some activities together. Perhaps I need more options, but I don’t have the time to grow the circle.
- Although I agree codependence is likely the reality, I’m trying to avoid putting too much stock in any one person. I might yield on that if I really liked someone. It hasn’t happened yet, but I see from my interactions with this one female that there might be an undiscovered world within me.
- While I’m interested in intimacy, I’m not interested in sex, at least initially. That is very contrary to the mainstream world and makes dating and finding ways to explore intimacy challenging.
- I’ve not managed to completely avoid PMO for long extended periods in a while. That could be limiting where I might go.
- Online dating sites might not be such a great idea. I’ve met some possible friends, but there is something a little unnatural about it that doesn’t compare to meeting humans in real life. Browsing has porn-like elements that seem hard to avoid.