without porn and its feeling good. Still dealing with many different stressful events (more than usual) but i refuse to escape and numb out. I think each time i survive difficult emotional times without using, it gets easier. at least it seems that way for now.
Today was a bit hard, due to my ex-GF emailing me and saying she doesnt want to have contact with me anymore and saying its a waste of time to meet me and be friends. We have been trying to be friends for 6 months now (after 1 year of not talking) I think she is feeling sad when we meet, even though its fun and we have a good time. Just the coming out of the blue with that (she was fine the last time we met) and some hurtful statements to boot pushed the 'you cant control people's feelings' button and my reaction was to get her to change her mind and not be mad at me with a string of emails (she didn't want to meet or talk), which is selfish since I am just thinking about my feelings of loss, and not her feelings, as she wrote. Plus it approval addiction (everyone must like me). But its like your friend wakes up one day and decides he/she doesnt want to talk to you anymore and you didnt even do anything wrong, or the issue is from 2 years ago? But really I am very sad about this as I was so happy to know you can break up with someone you were close with and actually BECOME friends...so much for that.
As for the current partner, I told her that it would be better if she found someone else and that I need to work on some of these issues I have. She was very understanding and mature about it and it felt great to be honest about my feelings. This is not such a great feat YET, since I have told her this before, but my behavior didn't change (acting like BF/GF). Now with this other thing today I feel really alone and shitty and it sucks, thats all...but i wont use porn anyway...