coming up on four weeks

Submitted by looking4balance on
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without porn and its feeling good. Still dealing with many different stressful events (more than usual) but i refuse to escape and numb out. I think each time i survive difficult emotional times without using, it gets easier. at least it seems that way for now.

Today was a bit hard, due to my ex-GF emailing me and saying she doesnt want to have contact with me anymore and saying its a waste of time to meet me and be friends. We have been trying to be friends for 6 months now (after 1 year of not talking) I think she is feeling sad when we meet, even though its fun and we have a good time. Just the coming out of the blue with that (she was fine the last time we met) and some hurtful statements to boot pushed the 'you cant control people's feelings' button and my reaction was to get her to change her mind and not be mad at me with a string of emails (she didn't want to meet or talk), which is selfish since I am just thinking about my feelings of loss, and not her feelings, as she wrote. Plus it approval addiction (everyone must like me). But its like your friend wakes up one day and decides he/she doesnt want to talk to you anymore and you didnt even do anything wrong, or the issue is from 2 years ago? But really I am very sad about this as I was so happy to know you can break up with someone you were close with and actually BECOME friends...so much for that.

As for the current partner, I told her that it would be better if she found someone else and that I need to work on some of these issues I have. She was very understanding and mature about it and it felt great to be honest about my feelings. This is not such a great feat YET, since I have told her this before, but my behavior didn't change (acting like BF/GF). Now with this other thing today I feel really alone and shitty and it sucks, thats all...but i wont use porn anyway...

thanks

Comments

*sigh*

Cleaning up emotional mess is always tough. I've just been reading about a ceremony where you "take back" the energy you have invested in "intimate entanglements." You do something symbolic like writing out a description of what you want to let go, and then burning your description as you "recapture" the energy being released.

Worked for the Toltecs, so maybe it can work for you!

Anyway, good luck with the adjustment.

Good for you, L4B

Good for you, L4B. I'm really happy to hear you've gone for so long without relapsing AND that you are clearing stuff up with the women in your life. Sometimes choosing not to avoid what we need to do feels shitty and messy, but I'm really so glad you are having the strength to follow through with it and I think the new clarity could pave the way for a better relationship with someone else or a newfound awareness of your validity without other's approval or sexual verification.

I know my two years choosing not to be in a relationship just so I could get some physical gratification has been really hard but also really stabilized me (not that I didn't slip once in awhile).

By the way, i had a great connection with someone recently (dancing, bodywork, lots of cuddling, making out, no sex). There is just so much in the realm of affection and care (and validation - which might be a little different than approval) that is so nourishing and so available between men and women, it's amazing to me how much I've limited my experiences to orgasm-driven sex! Just to actually care for someone is really a revelation. This man was so totally generous to me as a HUMAN. It makes him very sexy!

as always

thanks ladies for the insights.

Marnia: i think some kind of cleansing ritual is in order..i will look into that!

HS: i think that not being a rel to get physical and emotional stability might be the hardest thing i could ever do, but just what i need the most. congrats to you on achieving that for yourself. Thinking about things in HUMAN terms makes them easier to know what the healthiest things are i think, sometimes gender biases or preconceptions cloud that, I think....

well, this morning got another hate email...here are some highlights...

''After reading your mail, it made me feel that I wanted to kill myself who had allowed to be together with someone like you in the past'

'It was the greatest failure in my life that I had been dating with you'

nice way to start the day, eh? I sent a very nice email to her before, with caring words and the nicer I am, the more hateful she is becoming. Now i feel like striking back, but really that is pointless and i dont want to hurt her as she is trying to do to me. When someone acts to me with way and i feel i dont deserve this treatment (this extreme) than i lose focus and emotional energy takes me away from reality and i become un-grounded. Its like i want her to see that she has played a part in her misery, I am not all responsible for the outcome of her life like she is writing!!! aarrrrgggghhh...cant we all just get along??

this is so frustrating and so not called for....how can someone be filled with so much hate and it turn to this so quickly?

Here's a wild idea...

None of us knows how our karma is balancing out. If part of you wants to "clear the decks" maybe it's choosing to take a lot of heat right now, so past errors don't crop up in future relationships.

The good news about karma balancing is that every time you forgive someone who "doesn't deserve it," someone will forgive something that you (probably) wish you hadn't done - whether or not YOU "deserve" it. (In fact, we all deserve it, but that's another long discussion. Wink )

So forgive the lady in question and do your clearing exercise, trusting that she, too, is learning something valuable. Perhaps it is healthy for her to express herself (see research on this point in the November newsletter when it comes out). Maybe speaking up has been a challenge for her in the past.

Why not say something like, "I'm genuinely sorry I upset you. I've been learning a lot about myself and about relationships lately, and I am not proud of everything I've done. I wish you a happy future, and I hope that someday you will be able to remember something good about our time together. I do. Wishing you the very best...etc."

I see..yes, perhaps this is

I see..yes, perhaps this is some karma coming my way..lord knows i have hurt some women's feelings in my dating history..

As for her asserting herself, trust me this woman has NO fear of speaking up...I am firm in believing she is pathologically nariccisitic and this rage when she doesn't get what she wants is unfortunately common (i sure can pick 'em). I do feel bad for her that she honestly believes everything that happens to her is 100% someone else's fault and is utterly incapable of seeing her part in any of it or of self-reflection. So, getting her to see another point of view at this point is impossible. I was nice in previous emails, so at this point i think i will just let her be and pray she can find some some peace through insight perhaps and one day become friends. I doubt it but its my hope.

I think your closing words were perfect, but at this point, it would just invite another hateful email (the nicer and more gentle i write, the angrier and more hateful she responds), so I will make it part of my cleansing...

thanks M :}

Rock on!

I totally resonated with your "trying to make it all better and make them not hate me..."
Why do you/I care? If they choose that and choose it repeatedly, it is not our fault or our creation so we need to carry no guilt or need around with it. We should just walk away and let it be (as you are doing now.)
BUT it is so hard isn't it? I find myself being a real pleaser. I don't want anyone to think ill of me.
Of course I want everyone else to be happy and to be happy with me...but if they don't...I am not going to let myself get bothered about it.
Letting go is hard but maybe I will learn something from it and become stronger and it will get easier and be more of an automatic reaction. Maybe soon I won't have to think it through every time. Maybe it will just happen...I'll move on ...live and let live..
That's my hope.
Right now I am torn. I really f___ed up my current relationship. She has been trying to leave, but doesn't want to...etc. I have the urge to try to make it better...especially because my addiction to orgasm caused most of the harm.
BUT. I am trying hard not to. I am trying to just be me, accept her, love her, and let her go where she needs to. If we are meant to be together, it will happen. If it can't be...I will be ok. I will survive. I might be sad.
Got on a roll.
Good for you. Glad you are walking away. In a really clear way you are standing up for yourself by letting go and walking away. She's a big girl. She can move on. You don't have to do it for her.
Rock on.

hey thanks TLR, honestly,

hey thanks TLR,

honestly, just a few days of not reacting to the strong feeling to 'make it all better' and it has passed. i don't care anymore, i accept that is where she is and this is where I am. I am not going to try to change someone's feeling or beliefs since its basically impossible, but i forget that sometimes..lol

yes, i was married and divorced and I know my sex addiction and inordinate need for approval/security played a part in both choosing my partner and the fallout of the relationship. no sex addict can have a relationship with someone else since they dont even have one with themself! the most important for us to accept where we are as a starting point, i think. without that acceptance there is no change. I know what you are going through man, i went through a painful divorce so hang in there. The best chance you have to make up for the behavior i know you regret is to get better, thats the kindest thing you can do for her, for you and for the planet. sounds corny but. things might work out in the future but dont have expectations, just focus on now and the future will be what it is supposed to be you know? The worst thing you can do it is to stand in her way, since controlling or manipulating isnt loving either..i think you are on a good path. so am i : )

Rock on yourself!! : )
keep me posted on how you are doing
see ya

hey HS

how are you? been away and isolating for a while, but now and hoping to reconnect (as wrote in recent post). It seems you've had some interesting experiences as well in the last few weeks. I am still trying to catch up on where everyone is. Its great to hear from you. Thanks for wondering about me!
: )

me like

it looks really nice..it must have just come online within the last few hours..
: )

the only small thing i would say is i kind of like the user icons on the left near the post name..something nice about seeing topic and icon together on the left. Overall i like the type and layout better..very nice, cleaner look...kudos!

website

hi marnia - the graphic in the lefthand corner is not coming up in my browser (internet explorer). Otherwise - looks nice!

i also

miss the red box outlining the new replies...easy to find on a long post...anyway to bring that back or make NEW bigger or something??
just a thought.... : )