On Marnia's recommendation I bought 'Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation'. I'm about half way through and it's a fascinating read. A few days ago I had an MO but was unable to get erect or orgasm without fantasy, albeit of a real life situation with my lady. I was getting pretty turned on by this book when it was talking about feeling the sexual energy flow around your body. So I decided to masturbate but without fantasy.
Just touching my penis I wasn't getting hard. I felt distant and not really in the moment. I ran my hands around my body and then felt something in my upper left body. Like the first 'prang' of sexual energy. From that moment I was rock hard. I touched my whole body instead of just my penis. I also altered the touch of my penis so sometimes I was barely evening touching it. I could feel this 'energy' flowing around my body. I really wasn't thinking of anything, completely immersed in that moment. Then I got towards the point of orgasm. Instead of just ejaculating, it built up and up and up. I was thinking ok this is it I'm going to cum, but then it would build even higher. My back was arched, like when a woman has a strong orgasm. It felt like I had a 30+ second orgasm. When I ejaculated it was a huge release. I was completely wiped out afterwards, lying on my bed, panting, exhausted.
So I've never really had a MO like this before. So intense. Just thinking about the sexual energy as it moved round my body. It's might sound odd but this event felt like a big step forward for me. Getting to a completely sexual place without any aids or fantasy. Just enjoying my own body.
This is how I want sex to feel. Immersive, all consuming. I know it's just a case of quieting my mind. Being less goal orientated. Enjoying the moment. Consuming myself in her body. Next time we are together I want both of us to take our clothes of and be still together. No goals. Just being. I need to stop the 'time for sex' panic switch kicking in. No more observation, no more doubt, no more anxiety.