Failed post day 100. Lost in the fog.

Submitted by Confinement84 on
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Long time no blog. It has been a month or 3 since I last posted. Long story short around day 81 I M and O'd and thought I was in the clear. A week or so later the "chaser" effect kicked in and I started to feel like I was falling back into the fog. Sometime around day 100 I went to a party, got drunk, and when I got home.. I ended up PMOing. After the initial PMO, I felt like I fucked up so bad that I may as well get it all out of my system and binge before i recoup. So I would PMO 2-3x in 1 day, go a week sober, then the chaser effect would be back, repeat. Week after week. Then it became 2 days a week, and now 3. I see where this is headed and it is time to change course.

At 1st it felt like the PMOing wasn't effecting me, which is probably one big reason why I did not stop. After several weeks of complete and utter failure the side effects of porn were starting to take effect. Slowly but surely, my anxiety began to increase. My stress was up, energy down, confidence at a low point. I began being bothered by the littlest, silliest comments or looks that normally I would shrug off. When I seen any picture, woman, commercial even a little bit risque or remotely related to sex, my heart would begin to race.. an artificial dopamine rush. Even COMMERCIALS that were absolutely NOT meant to be sexual at all I was some how able to find something arousing by it. Like an Old Navy commercial with woman modeling blouses while singing. What the hell is wrong with me? Sick, just sick .

I began my journey to quit PMO 359 days ago and here I am back at square one. Yes, I have made some progress over the last year but not nearly as much as I would have hoped. It is time to start fresh, today, Day 1.

Happy thanksgiving to everyone.

Comments

Oh well...

At least you could put cause and effect together, and you know you can reverse things.

My thought is that you *really* must get going on your social life. Make it a top priority. It's the way out of the loop. I promise.

How's school?

Thanks for

Thanks for that link. That video was rather interesting. Yes I absolutely agree Marnia about getting my social life in order. Though I feel quitting PMO is a necessity for me personally to become more open in social situations partially due to my anxiety and PMO exacerbating that anxiety. Also long term use of porn really messes with my emotions as showed in some of my previous blogs (for example the fight with a coworker at the restaurant or the road rage incident where the guy crashed). My social life is actually my biggest motivation to quit PMO. And blogging about this right now reminds me of why I must quit. This neurofeedback looks promising.

P.S. School is going well Marnia. Thanks for asking. 3 weeks left in this semester and I currently hold the highest grade in 2 of my 3 classes. :) Signing up for 15 units next semester.

I'm so proud of you

And very glad to hear you're using that excellent mind of yours.

Sorry to hear about the mood swings and their repercussions. Sounds like you need to start your day with a camomile tea or something. Wink