14 days no PMO - 13 years of habit

Submitted by Ajarnevan on
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I'm almost at two weeks of abstinence.
A little bit of background on me: I'm almost 31 years old and I'm a professional in a field that provides social services to others in need and I have access to research materials that have helped me in choosing to pursue this as a means with dealing with what I consider to be an impulse control disorder and/or addiction.
Viewing internet pornography has always held interest for me. I remember being able to access the playboy and penthouse website to get single images of posing women and now that has been blotted out by easily accessible streaming video of hardcore pornography. I was also interested in reading erotica online when the internet connection could not provide visuals as quickly as I would have liked. I don't know exactly when it occurred but I started using marijuana and pornography together to provide a literal feel. I remember that smoking weed and watching porn made it more real - like I was there. That was a high that I couldn't emulate in the real world.
I didn't have that many girlfriends in university although I know I've made it out to be that I have had. I had some erection problems with the first girl that I was with and I remember vividly that experience as I imagine all of you do. I was drunk and that may have resulted in the poor performance but I believe that was simply anxiety. My other sexual encounters with other girls usually involved the use of pornography before and ended a relationship with a girl who truly loved me because I couldn't enjoy her on the same level as she did me. I am sure that it's because we were at different place and understandings in our lives and I don't regret it but I'm sure I was not performing sexually as well as I would have if I were not engaging in pornography.
My routine was usual. If I were not in a relationship, I would go out with my buddies to a bar or club and be anxious about talking to beautiful women. I'm still anxious when talking to women that I truly find attractive but then I would simply remove myself from the situation and / or exclude myself from the possibility of being with that person sexually and go home to masturbate.
The greatest thing about being alone with internet pornography is that I learned exactly where to find material that aroused me and I was able to please myself in exactly the way that I had refined. I thought "Why be with a girlfriend when I know what to do to please myself as a lower cost?".
I didn't realize that this was affecting me sexually. I certainly had no concept of addiction and was grieving the loss of my mother to cancer that I filled that void with marijuana and porn. I do wish that I had been able to focus on university classes and relationships.
Time passed and I continued to masturbate to internet porn and refine my self-pleasure. I had relationships along the way. I was with around 8 women by the time I was 25 and then I was popular for a single summer where I connected sexually and emotionally with several women. It was when I went to live abroad that engaged in sex with many multiple partners.
Now that I am 31 I have had intercourse with nearly 50 women and some I have experienced sexually difficulties with. I even attempted to correct that with a generic form of sildenafil citrate: Kamagra. One of the girls remarked after I was unable to come "It's not like normal". She didn't know that I was trying to conceal my lack of hardness and performance despite an incredibly erotic situation. I could not ignore the problem anymore.
After returning home and having unsatisfying relationships I decided to look into internet pornography addition. I had arrived at my own conclusion that pornography addiction was affecting males like myself and I had attempted to stop the behavior but I never did so with resolve until i discovered yourbrainonporn.com.
It's been 14 days now and I've been incredibly horny. I used the k9 porn blocker to help me stay away from internet porn. It's been very successful for me as I tried to access my favorite sites a few times and it blocked me. I find displays of a less erotic nature than hardcore far more erotic and I struggle not to achieve climax. I trying very hard not to masturbate and will not do so until 2 months have passed.
My biggest difficulty is that I found that I have contracted genital warts through my various partners and I'm currently treating an outbreak that doesn't seem to be responding to imiquad treatment. I am sure that in time it will but in the time being it's difficult to ethically rationalize having a new sex partner. I find that condoms hinder my performance but I know that that barrier protected the person I've chosen to have sex with. It would be horrible to know that I was the carrier that infected someone I chose to have sex with.
So here I am approaching day 14 and I would love to orgasm. I sometimes have flashes of my favorite scenes and my favorite porn starts but I really want to learn to love again. I don’t think I can do that by having a relationship with pornography at the same time as someone I love.
I’ll certainly use this forum as a resource as I reboot my brain and make myself a more accessible and sexual human.
Best of wishes to everyone.

Thanks for sharing your

story. Very clever of you to figure out what was going on. It's a shame guys have to slip so far into the brain changes before they can make the connection, isn't it?

Don't be afraid to stick with the reboot for a couple of months. Are there any potential cuddle buddies among your exes? http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201104/calling...

Start your own blog if you think it would help you track your progress. ("Members' blogs on the left)

Thanks

Thanks Marnia,

I can tell that you're already doing great work with the rest of the community here. Just a bit of kudos for you. Wink

I've started a blog and I'll keep it updated.

Thanks again.