I've failed :(

Submitted by Floyd on
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Well, all was going pretty good until the last week or so. I hit 44 days today, and now am back to zero.

I'm home from work and got really bored. I ended up looking at porn and we all know the rest.

I'm really disappointed. I'm still on board and WON'T make this mistake again.

I hope all my effort up to this point hasn't been in vain, I know this is a setback, but how much of a setback?

I don't think that question has a real answer.

One thing that was strange, I did't seem to get the same enjoyment from the porn as I recalled. Even finding the scenes that were favorites didn't seem to deliver in the same way. Almost like it was a bit boring in some way.

All I can do now is accept my slip, and move on. Easier said then done, but that's it.

Others who have gone for long stretches and relapsed, how much of a negative impact does this have on the process?

I'm not concerned about a binge or anything like that, my main concern has to do with the damage already done!

So disappointing....

Comments

Some points to clarify

You said some things that are contradicting (innocent confusion), yet helpful in your case. You said:

"I hope all my effort up to this point hasn't been in vain, I know this is a setback, but how much of a setback?" *You've made progress. It's been 44 days, take yourself to 30/35 days. There is no day 0.

"I don't think that question has a real answer." *I just answered it.

"...didn't seem to deliver in the same way...was a bit boring..." *You've made progress, that's why.

"All I can do now is accept my slip" *That's right, you slipped, and didn't binge/relapse, hence 30 days.

"Others who have gone for long stretches and relapsed" *You first said "slip", and you didn't relapse.

"I'm not concerned about a binge..." *This is good and binges are tied to relapses, not "slips".

"...with the damage already done." *You might have done "some" damage, but nothing worth reminding yourself of. Keep going and you'll be back to day 44 in no time. Aside from the slip you'll still have seen 58 days (if you choose the 30 day start point), just shy of 2 months!

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." - Bruce Lee
This quote is what it's all about!

Thanks for the positive

Thanks for the positive words. Unfortunately, my slip turned into a little binge.

I had a few bad days but have regained my footing.

I decided to start over at day 1. The past is behind me, now I'll only look ahead.

44 days is heroic

You're not the first to notice that porn looks kind of different and less arousing after you've been away from it for a while. For example, this is from another guy on the forum (I happen to have used it in an article recently/):

I used to have a big thing for enlarged breasts. Yesterday there was a clip on the news about girls with silicon implants and their health hazards. They showed a lot of these girls on the beach etc., which would once have got me drooling and set me off on a porn frenzy. But after a month without porn, they actually looked weird. The unnatural, augmented breasts put me off. I was thinking, "Why would they do this to themselves? What's the big deal about big breasts?" And this is from a guy who spent a lot of his life worshiping them.

In short, you're on a one-way street with arousal-to-real-mates at the end of it. Mind you, if you work at it, I'm sure you could re-wire to porn, but....

Apart from the porn, did you notice (at first) any increase in penile sensitivity?

Well, at least

you saw definite evidence of brain changes: increased sensitivity, decreased "buzz" from synthetic stimuli, and so on. That should help keep you motivated this time around.

And if you need excuses for relapsing ;-), check this page. One of your fellow bloggers just posted this list: http://yourbrainonporn.com/i-relapsed-what-now

What triggered the last slip? Can you do something to prevent it?

I think a few things

I think a few things contributed to the slip.

I was out of work for a few days due to a sickness. Since I called out of work I couldn't leave my house. I also got stonned a few times, which is very rare for me.

The worst thing for me is being out of the gym. Due to my infection I couldn't go for a few weeks.

For me, the gym is the glue that keeps my life together, lol. It really keeps me focused.

Well, these were the conditions just prior to my downfall, but it was a progressive slip.

I started fantasizing more frequently, I even scanned some netflix movies for sex scenes...which is a bit embarrassing, then I broke down and looked at the porn.

Once I slipped and my long 44 day streak came to an end it took me a few days to recommit.

3 days of PMO (once or twice a day)

I have faith in this process, which makes me annoyed that I'd do something so counterproductive.

I'll be going back to work Monday, and able to work out next weekend. My normal routine will be very helpful.

Today is day 1. I made it to 44 my first attempt. This time I'll reach my goal of 90 days PMO free.

Since the porn was not nearly as great as I remembered it, not going back will be easier.

Makes sense

Next time you'll know to watch out when you have too much time on your hands and when you're feeling sorry for yourself due to being under the weather. Good job starting again.

Don't worry!

Hey Floyd,

don't dread your experience. I think you've come to understand what this is all about. If you look at the big picture, you may be porn free forever and this was just a short slip up on the way there. I am sure this incident has not set you back much. Stay strong! :)

When I relapsed (almost 50

When I relapsed (almost 50 days ago), I too felt less of an interest in porn. When I masturbated, my erections were weak, and the orgasms unfulfilling. I wonder if this is just a positive side-effect of the reboot process. Sometimes porn-like flashbacks make me feel a bit sick inside also.

To the original poster, I say don't give up. You've made it this far, it's more likely than not already had some seriously positive effects on you.