I think porn temporarily changed my sexual orientation. Will it return to normal after recovery?

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First of all, I am a 20 year old lesbian. It took me forever to admit it to myself since i grew up in a "Gays to hell" household. I have a girlfriend that I am in love with, emotionally, physically, and sexually. We've been together almost 2 years.

The past 6-8 months out of boredom, I began porn watching. I've always occasionally watched porn, but i'd say in the past 6-8 months is where is was around 5 times a week. To the point of staying up porn searching for hours, looking for a good porn. As others have said, I began to look more for extreme things (incest, rape, gangbang) all of which are OPPOSITE of what I find hot in real life, and I find them disgusting in real life. I also masturbate while watching porn. By the way, I am/was fully satisfied by my girl. But when I was at home (we don't live together) I would watch porn for fun or out of boredom.

If I couldn't study, i'd watch porn to "relive" my stress and get it out of my system. When i was bored, I'd watch it. No one home, I'd watch it.

I guess i didn't realize I was actually getting HOOKED on it. I watch straight porn because lesbian porn bores me because i hate to see girls who act like lesbians who are really straight try and fake their lesbian acts. Therefore, I love straight porn and picturing myself as a guy in the porn though im a femme lesbian. Never pictured myself as the girl in porn.

Anyway, within the past 2 weeks, i told my girlfriend I wanted to quit watching porn. I just realized i didn't want to associate myself with any of the nasty (and more hardcore) things I had begun watching. So i quit, cold-turkey. Next few days, I realized i was looking at guys sexually.
I mean every guy, as in the most ugly repulsing guy you can imagine and still thinking of him sexually.

It scared me since although i can find a guy "hot" i never want to be with him that way. But this was a whole new thinking for me.

And no, this is not my "unconscious" telling me something, seeing as how i spent 20 years trying to "make" myself straight and just recently came to terms with the fact that i love women as relationships, and guys as friends.

I just noticed these "straight" thoughts flourished after stopping porn.
What I think is that my mind saw naked males always having sex by me watching porn, so now that my brain isn't seeing it/getting the pleasure it gets from masturbation while watching porn, it automatically is associating every guy i see with porn which means sex.

Does this make sense to anyone else?

I'm afraid because this has caused me to be emotionless to everything lately.
Meaning my girlfriend, school, life, etc.

It's like I am having withdrawl symptoms of a real addiction such as drug addiction.
Never thought porn addiction had such symptoms, but then again, i never thought i was "addicted" but am now having different thoughts.

I've been experiencing: the straight thoughts, highs and lows, irritability, emotionless, etc. since stopping watching porn/masturbating.

Do you think once I finally get over my body not being exposed to porn that these thoughts will stop of associating every guy with sex when I know that's not what I want/how I am wired?

By the way, when i think of guys when i see them, its just sexually, and it's mainly their penis.
Kind of just like in porn.

This is so annoying.
Do you think stopping porn will help this go away for good? It's been about a week and a half or so.
Do you think these are the symptoms im experiencing... withdrawals?

Anyone have any tips of how to get over this addiction quicker?
Or supporting advice?

Very interesting post!

First of all, welcome to the forum. It's quite strange how your story resembles those of so many men in this forum. I have read quite a few posts about altered sexual tastes. Also, these articles explain this phenomenon quite thoroughly in my opinion:




I can fully relate to your problem of masturbating to things I find repulsive in real life. I have been porn free for well over two months now and although I consider myself far from recovered, I can tell you that my porn affinity has completely vanished. No more unwanted thoughts or strange fantasies.

I think abstaining will be the best thing for you to do. Focus on your girlfriend and try to stay away from porn! I wish you all the best!

Hello girl

I'm a man but I too developed lust and desire toward penises after watching so much transsexual porn. I'm only attracted to transsexual dicks though, not men's.

I'm starting a reboot and right now the only thing I have in my mind is sucking dick.

I'm not worried though, because based on my experience these fantasies and desires go away after some weeks of not watching porn and avoiding masturbation.

My advice would be to completely remove pornography from your life. Never watch it again. Never.

You're lust towards penises might or might not go completely away, but if you quit porn then they will definitely weaken and will stop having power over your mind and actions.

Don't experiment with men as this will strengthen your sexual taste towards them.

Whenever you feel lust and desire towards men and dicks, just smile and consciously ignore them, focusing your attention on something else. Do not get mad or frustrated at these thoughts because that will only strengthen them. Just calmly acknowledge them and shift your attention to something else.

Good luck!

You're not alone with this.


The brain does weird things in terms of wiring up associations with sex...probably because sex is such a high priority for our genes. But a lot of the things it wires are superficial, and have nothing to do with true orientation.

Your story reminded me a bit of the comments of a gay guy who commented on one of our recent blog posts: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201110/can-you...
His comment is longish, and you'll find it under the article. Sorry I can't link to it directly. The article, by the way, is about the difference between orientation and superficial, plastic tastes.

Anyway, yes, I do think porn is responsible for the changes in "tastes" you experienced. Today's porn is a powerful brain-training phenomenon. See http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-then-and-now-welcome-to-brain-training It can also create addiction processes in the brain. For more: http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

When you stop, it is not unusually to have a lot of unpleasant withdrawal symptoms: http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-does-withdrawal-from-porn-look-like Some of them can make you feel like you're crazy. But they will pass.

Sorry you were made to feel bad about your sexual orientation. If you want to track your journey, start a blog under "Members blogs" on the left.

haha My Bad

Sorry about my last post, I misread what you were trying to say. Well the same goes for what I said, but the opposite. Try to abstain from PMO, and see if you return to "normal". If you go months and months without PMO, and you still have these feelings, than maybe its something you became? You could be turning straight? but there is only one way to find out! You have to try the reboot process, and see if you go back to your sensitivity!



Thanks for all your replies! I am in the process of reading all the articles posted, and so far, they sound identical to what I am experiencing.
It seems porn/confusion of orientation is much more of a problem for men than women. This is another reason I find this sudden change of thoughts have to do with porn. I've always had that guy "mind-set" of a male, and I guess sense of denial of becoming addicted towards porn.

I don't believe my orientation can change over night. I think the only time people "turn" bisexual or something is when they repressed how they've always tried to hide. I however, have always TRIED to be straight by forcing myself to spend time/like guys though it never worked for me. These thoughts didn't begin until the ABSENCE of porn, but they weren't there when I was actually watching the porn.

I have been experiencing extreme highs and lows lately with my mood. Guessing that is a withdraw symptom.
I haven't had any noticeable sleep patterns changing like many others have noted though.
I have finals coming up, and can't concentrate which really sucks to think i might fail my finals and potentially my future all because of overcoming these thoughts.

I have gone about 2 weeks (If I remember correctly) with no porn, masturbation, and orgasm from sex.

Thanks for being supportive guys. It's just I've always wanted and tried to be straight, never happened. Now that I'm kicking a habit, it's like messing with my mind and making me question my orientation, though I know it's not that.
Oh, one more thing, lately I think my girlfriend has been the last sexual person on my mind which makes me feel HORRIBLE since I've never felt that way. I'm the type who when I love someone (she's the only person i've ever honestly been in LOVE with) I will not look at anyone, or even find anyone sexually attractive, unless it's just a "yeah they aren't ugly, but i don't want them way" but lately, it's also been not just guy sexual thoughts, but in particular, sexual fantasies about my last ex who is a female. I have fantasies of cheating with her, though I know i DON'T want that.

So I guess that goes to show me that another one of my porn fetishes (cheating which i hate in real life) is also messing with my brain since the withdrawl. I actually imagined myself as a dude yesterday doing Mila Kunis (the actress) and felt really horrible about it, because I am trying to get those thoughts out of my head. But that was a fantasy where I was the guy.
Which is always how i pictured myself in porn, as the guy.

Need some support, will power, and everything else to overcome these fantasies that aren't really fantasies because i don't really want them....
Please hold me up guys :( I know I'm a new member, but really, this is hard and frustrating.

Do we know if that is true?

[quote=QuestionSeeker34]It seems porn/confusion of orientation is much more of a problem for men than women.[/quote]

Do we know if that is true? More men come here and report what they are experiencing. Is the number of heterosexual women becoming or acting out attraction to women increasing?

The first two weeks

are usually the toughest, so things should get easier very soon.

Meditation and exercise both help improve concentration. Ideas here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/solo-tools So does daily affectionate contact: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-la...

Try not to pay much attention to your brain's "great" impulses right now. They're as meaningless as cartoons. Once things settle back down, you'll be laughing at them. It's just your brain...feeling desperate for novelty (because it offers dopamine surges). As your brain returns to normal sensitivity, your sweetie will look better to you.

Again, you can start your own blog if you prefer. We'll all see all your posts either way.

*big hug*

QuestionSeeker34 wrote: Do

Do you think stopping porn will help this go away for good? It's been about a week and a half or so.
Do you think these are the symptoms im experiencing... withdrawals?

Anyone have any tips of how to get over this addiction quicker?
Or supporting advice?[/quote]

Ok now that you have discovered the problem you can do something about it so congratulations you are in the right place. I'll tell you the same thing I tell everyone else....you've *got* to find a new, healthy hobby. That could be getting into super healthy food or finding an exercise coach. In my case I've done both and feel great...my last use of porn was at the end of June and I won't be using it again hopefully ever.

My point is that your story is typical because porn kinda messes with one's preferences no matter who you were before you got hooked. It affects people of all ages, races, gender, religions and socio-economic backgrounds. There are things I used to be repulsed by that I still find highly triggering and erotic that I don't let my mind focus on. When you first separate from porn you can't help but think about them because they have been part of your masturbation ritual for so long they are like the sexual wallpaper of our lives. Fill in the blanks of whatever your favorite video was and that's what I mean.

I know the feeling when you just wish it would go away and it doesn't and that can be frightening and disconcerting. Yet, you can and will heal if you make a plan and follow through with it. Yes, I do think you are experiencing part of the complex of emotions and physiological effect of porn withdrawal. It is intense but if you stick with it you will get through to a place that is something like who you used to be before you started using porn and in your case that means you will not question being a lesbian and be perfectly content with your sexuality and who you really are inside.

I'm a heterosexual male but over the years of attempts to quit I began involuntarily checking out other guys junk. It was as if suddenly I realized all these men had penis's like mine and I realized that it was possible to look at them the same way I would check out a woman. I never questioned my sexuality but it did kind of weird me out. I would think to myself "What the hell am I doing - I don't like guys?" I had this guitar teacher who always wore these tight pants and inevitably during the lesson my eyes couldn't help but look in the direction of his crotch and he noticed I did it once. How unbelievably awkward! That is a much rarer event today I assure you and less worrisome.

Anyway, you aren't alone and there's a whole bunch of research on this site that highlights the plastic changes in the brain that result from porn addiction and the things that happen during withdrawal.

So now for tips...the first and most important one is what I mentioned at the outset. You need a *healthy* obsession now and a plan of action to face and replace withdrawal symptoms and to defeat any trigger events or urges to masturbate or look at porn. It is generally advised on this website that a person attempt to "reboot" the brain by going at least 6 weeks without porn, masturbation or orgasm (PMO). I don't know if this is possible given your current relationship but that's the standard advise on how to truly step away from porn, porn fantasy and also to heal and return to a balanced brain-state (at least as far as sex and porn goes...I can't speak for the other ills of this world that can severely harsh our collective mellow!)

Install a porn blocker immediately and make a difficult password, write it down and put it in an out of the way place or at a safe other location where you won't be alone with a computer. Spend less time on the computer in general, except to check in on us - especially post if you are feeling really shitty or are planning or feel like a relapse is coming. That's part of heading it off at the pass before you get to the point of no return and you go from day 8 back to day 0. (Days away from PMO that is.)

So for me success in this is thinking through a relapse before it happens. Have a go-to activity that you enjoy and is healthy that you will do as soon as you feel urges to masturbate or use porn. For me this is putting on running shoes and heading out for a run, sometimes it's just getting out of my room or calling a friend, turning off the computer ect. This list could be endless but it's up to you to figure out what works for you.

If you are able to stop and redirect yourself before you even use porn you will see your time pile up and you will start to have some real positive effects in your life that is the benefit of kicking this time consuming and brain-bending habit. You will question yourself less and be more confident in yourself...as long as you make that plan and stick to it no matter what!


[quote]Need some support, will power, and everything else to overcome these fantasies that aren't really fantasies because i don't really want them....[/quote]

The more you try to eliminate these fantasies, the stronger they will come back.

You have to accept them, not reject them.

Once you accept them you will start giving them less importance and then they will go away on their own.

Whenever you find yourself fantasizing about being a guy or being with a guy, instead of reacting strongly, just calmly ignore them and shift your attention to something else.

Don't reject them. Just accept them.

They'll go away in time, believe me.

Thank you very much for the

Thank you very much for the long and in depth replies! And Freedom, you're right. It definitely is no proven statistic than more men question their orientation thanks to porn. Just from what I've seen here, it seems I am one of the few girls who have questioned their orientation from porn. Didn't mean to say it as fact or anything :) because I definitely know there's tons of "I'll do a girl, but never date her" girls out there!

Marnia, I'm doing my best to ignore my thoughts by telling myself they are meaningless. Lately I have not been having many thoughts thankfully.
The other day, I had an extreme mood swing. I'm never mean to by my girlfriend, yet I was finding I was saying the rudest stuff. To the point of her crying, and i felt like a complete jerk. All I could tell her was it felt like I was unintentionally trying to "push her away" and I guess that just comes with the side effects of no porn watching. She understood, and told me she's going to help me no matter what. She knows I definitely didn't mean to push her away in any sense, because I definitely need her through this.

Dano_Clarke, that's really interesting! About you checking out other guys junk even though you know you aren't gay haha. It's pretty awkward to get caught by it though ! Bet he stopped wearing tight pants to your class after that catch, eh :) ? The more I read into the forum posts, the articles, other sites, makes me see I am definitely not a loner in this. I know they have "HOCD" (Homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder) but i guess what I have is a form of "SOCD" straight ocd ha.

I understand what you mean about finding a new, healthy obsession. I am about to be on break for one month from college after completing a few finals. This will give me time to calm down, relax, be happy, and focus my attention on important things. Find other things to occupy my boredom when I'm alone rather than watching porn.

I haven't watched porn in about 2 weeks, and I haven't had an orgasm in a little over a week.
My girlfriend and I tried the no orgasm during sex type of sex (sorry, I'm not familiar with it. Karezza or whatever it is called) but I found myself really close to orgasm, but we stopped before. However, right after I didn't get an orgasm, i felt frustrated/annoyed/and began having all kinds of porn related thoughts. It really bothered me because I had been in a good mood previously, but peeking orgasm made those thoughts flourish and i got really depressed and moody.

Surprisingly, I have had no urge to watch porn lately. At all. It's just the thoughts that keep popping up and saying hello at the most random times. I can be thinking "Hey I'm getting better" and boom, there they are. But I've definitely NOT been thinking them as much. I've for sure saw an improvement. If the first two weeks are the worst, then I've already conquered 2 weeks no porn, and I'm going on my second of no orgasm. I will keep it up as long as it takes.

Your post is extremely helpful. I look forward to more of your posts! Thanks!

The Underdog, that's what I am working on now! Just accepting the thoughts. I know once I first vented about my "problem" with my girlfriend, i felt 100 times better. Like I had just released some built up secret. So i guess just accepting these thoughts as meaningless will show them they have no real power. Thanks. Can't wait till they are gone for good, but I'm going to make sure they are :)

I'm glad you're already

seeing the unwanted thoughts recede somewhat. It's quite interesting to observe, isn't it? The flare ups may be intense for a while, but they are likely to get farther and farther apart and be shorter - and more easy to dismiss.

Yes, if you get too close to The Edge during sex (without orgasm), you get your dopamine all revved up "with no place to go." That just makes things worse. The trick is to stay well away from The Edge and just keep things really mellow. This takes a bit of practice.

Just wanted to say, last

Just wanted to say, last night I had a pornish dream. It was two males having gay oral sex with one another.

I was doing GREAT all week, no thoughts, and happiness was rising.
Now today, it seems the "thoughts" are coming up again, concerning males.

Do you think it's the dream that set them off, or are the thoughts just genuinely coming back?

Prolly just the dream...

and your worrying about it. Wink

People recovering from this kind of thing do best if they just observe the thoughts and let them go, rather than analyzing them or posting about them. Smile However, we're happy to remind you. If you want a brain loop to die...don't activate it...even to analyze it.

Trust the process. It's nonlinear.

Both of those are Uncle Bob material

[quote=Marnia]If you want a brain loop to die...don't activate it...even to analyze it.

Trust the process. It's nonlinear.[/quote]

Both of those are Uncle Bob material. The first is more practical and direct than "neurons that fire together, wire together."

So am i still having severe

So am i still having severe thoughts because i am in my second week? Actually which week am i really in? Ive gone 3 weeks without porn watching but only 2 without orgasm. Would these qualiy as my second or third?

How 'bout

two and a half? No simple answer because orgasm itself can set off neurochemical ripples, as you know.

How are you feeling? Obviously, you're still having some distress. Any improvement at all? Are you snuggling your sweetie?

I am feeling okay. It's kind

I am feeling okay. It's kind of an on/off thing. I am improving it seems, but thoughts come at such random times.
I'm definitely snuggling my sweetie. I'm just so concerned because all these thoughts have made my feelings seemingly dim for her when I know they are stronger than ever.


Do you think it would be too soon to try orgasming with my girlfriend this weekend? The reason I want to so bad is not just the fact that my hormones are going insane, but the fact that when I do orgasm, thoughts disappear. Maybe if I am not orgasming from the porn, and only from her, it will focus my attention on only sexual thoughts to her?

By the way Marnia, I was reading a post from around 2010 that you commented on by a straight man saying that he began having HOCD once he stopped watching porn. I'm in exactly what he described, as in, when I watch porn, I don't question being a lesbian at all even if I am getting turned on by straight sex. It's like " I know this is just porn, plus I imagine myself as the guy in it anyway". It isn't until I QUIT watching porn that I begin have SOCD (Straight OCD). I really wish he would have followed up on if his thoughts ever quit... He never posted again after that which sucks for me, because I was curious on getting an update.

I think at this point, ANYTHING seems attractive. Hell, that book and remote control over there looks tempting. I hate dopamine sometimes...

You are not the first

to notice that OCD strengthens during the withdrawal period. In a weird way, it makes sense, because your brain is desperate for its dopamine meds (because it has temporarily forgotten how to balance itself), and porn was a reliable way to get those "meds."

One guy described the process this way:

"When you remove a source of pleasure from the brain, it is like taking away the leg of a table. The whole thing becomes rocky and unstable. The brain really has two options: one, to make you hurt like hell in every way it can think of to 'encourage' you to put the table leg back again, or two, to accept that the table leg is really gone, and figure out how to re-balance without it. Of course, it tries Option One first. Then, after a while, it starts to get to work on Option Two, all while still pushing Option One in the meantime. Eventually, it seems like the brain re-balances, giving up on Option One, and fully succeeding at Option Two."

Of course, as soon as you start to use porn, your dopamine soars, so your brain is happy, and no longer needs extreme measures...until after you climax and it drops again. You have "fastened the leg back on" temporarily, so of course all seems right with the world. Smile

OCD is tough to fight your way out of because the anxiety during withdrawal can be enormous. Personally, I suspect an occasional orgasm with a sweetheart might help...if you can avoid binging during the following day when your anxiety may, again, be extraordinarily high.

It's a bit of a Catch 22. Guess you could try and see what happens. If it throws you back into the spiral, you may have to stick to a long reboot and just treat those anxious urges as the "static noise" they are. Eventually, your brain will hopefully come back into balance, which is the real solution for the urges.

Good luck!

All of that makes perfect

All of that makes perfect sense! My table must be really unbalanced. As of right this second, I feel 50 times better than hours ago when I posted that *shrugs*

I was honestly really tempted to watch porn which hasn't happened since my letting go of it. But I kept my ground and didn't.

I guess I can try the orgasm this weekend, and see how that goes. If it does cause me anxiety, I will go weeks more without any sexual talk or sex. But I honestly think it'll help because my constant thoughts wont be revolving around sex like they've been if i am "relieved" of those urges.

Thanks for all your information you continue to give.
I'm going to keep up the no porn watching, and TRY the orgasm with my partner this weekend and see how it goes.
Hopefully it will set me forward rather than back.

Let us know

Those here who have spouses or committed relationships often manage to mix in some sex.

Suggestion: keep it as loving and touchy-feely as possible so you don't rev up to any extremes.

I kept it touchy feely but

I kept it touchy feely but heres the report... Friday night- slow sex which lead to an orgasm. It was a slight orgasm and nowhere near to what her and i (or my porn and i) are used to. I didnt care it frlt good the entire time and it was nice to have that closeness as we did. I felt geeat after and friday i had been in a happy feel better mood. Next morning after orgasm, i dont know if it was from orgasm or random (i got depressive spouts all that week) but i was feeling sad on and off saturday. Mainly in the morning and afternoon the. I jumped to a huge happy high at night. So i felt good and did nothing sexual saturday. Sunday i felt extremely depressed (i started that "time of the month" so obviously my hormones were crazy) but i felt reall sad, angry and emotionless all at the same time most of sunday. Sunday night i frlt clingy and happy...like a 360 though some straight thoughts occurred. Now today ive been having strong thoughts. Why do i feel this way once i quit watching straight porn but while i watch it in real life im 100 percent sure im a lesbian? Is it playing tricks to make me go view it to "see if im straight" or "test reality" waters? I know some might say i am discovering im bi but i reallyyyy dont think so since i didnt have this questioning until i quit porn... Not while watching it

Also, at the beginning of no

Also, at the beginning of no pmo, it was all eye sexing every male i saw even not so attractive guys. This week, ive been having fantasies about what it would be like to dae them and so on. But i think my mind is telling me im unhappy (since lately ive been soo down) and trying to make me picture being in a relationship or life opposite of what im in now (which has always made me happy). Like i said id consider the "you might have turned bi overnight" scenario if i hadnt had all these thoughts start right as i quit watching straight or gay guy porn. I like girls in every way, but it seems now my mind egged for male sexual fantasy as first withdrawl and when i didnt cave it moved to just "dating" fantasies which would eventually lead to sex.... Its really like my brain programmed itself and is honestly making me question what i know is not reality. Marnia whats your view on this? And also how do i get over the "itll neer get better" feeling?

I certainly don't know all the answers, but

your story sounds just like the other OCD sufferers here. Withdrawal ripples send them into the doubts that urge them to "test," and they end up back using porn again. It may just be a porn addiction, with an "anxiety twist," that only acts up during post-O ripples.

The good news is that they will fade with time. Snuggling (or exchanging generous touch...massage, etc) seems to be the best medicine. Exercise could be good too. My guess is that it will take time for the unwanted, anxiety-producing thoughts to fade, and that you will see more of them when your brain is craving dopamine (either due to withdrawal, or even due to ripples after orgasm).

I wouldn't try to analyze "bi-ness" or anything to do with sexual orientation for now. Just wait until you're feeling less anxious. Plenty of time to figure that out in a few months.

Did you read the Schwartz approach to healing OCD? http://yourbrainonporn.com/schwartz-technique-for-rewiring-compulsions

Glad you enjoyed the tame sex. Smile

Knowing little about this, I

Knowing little about this, I wonder if gay men and women go through opposite processes. For example, some gay men live fake straight lives until they reproduce and then later own up to their preference. Perhaps women have a similar experience where at some age, that reproduce soon wiring starts tripping. You're most likley too young, although maybe this can happen at any age.

Like Marnia said, there's no rush to find an answer. Let one come to you on your terms. Maybe as a distraction from what the answer is, you could ponder what the ramifications for you would be. At least you might learn something from that and it doesn't require a solution.

Are things being triggered in a vacuum or can you link triggers to emotional states?

Well, i do think gays go

Well, i do think gays go through opposite ocds when withdrawing from porn. Straights have hocd bug after seeing a post by a gay man who left porn and questioned his liking of girls when he quit pmo, maybe there is such thing as a straight ocd for recovering porn addicts? Like i said, id be considering this all way more had i not always liked girls/felt like a guy, and not had any thoughts like this during porn watch or before i ever watched it. The questioning came after i quit which came with depression mood swings and so on at random times. Anything sexual related can trigger it it seems and if it doesnt the. I just begin over analyzing which brings more anxiety. I have a completely happy sex life and i am emOtionally happy as well with my girl in every way.

Also....Freedom what do you

Also....Freedom what do you think about what i asked marnia. Do you think my mind could be making me question an opposite relaionship of what i currently have because of the harsh mood swings and depression since ive quit porn? Anyway i dont think i can change orientation all of a sudden and i do think its too big of a coincidence that it didnt cross my mind until i quit viewing porn. Weird since i never wanted the guy in porn, just to be in his position

Porn withdrawal seems to

Porn withdrawal seems to cause the darnedest of things. It's a bit scary to ponder what might be possible at the extremes. Marnia isn't ruling out that possibility, but suggesting that you hold off acting on or thinking about it until you get some breathing room as the withdrawal process lulls. It doesn't make much sense to try to analyze what might not be real. Wait until you're further along and then if it is still an issue you can more clearly assess what to do.

Orientation doesn't seem to change at whim, but at the same time there are people who seem to suddenly accept what might have always been their orientation. There are others here who can probably say more about that from their own or a partners accepting being gay perspective. I'm not sure that the quality of a relationship limits one's orientation. There have been some good comments on this issue in the HOCD related threads pertaining to how one sifts underlying desire from noise.

Are you the more masculine or feminine partner in your relationship? Maybe from porn you've latched onto the traditional male-masculine role and yet somehow also latched onto the fact that you are female. Combined I could see how those might lead you to the point you are at. It's a random thought and of course that would all be fantasy based.

Freedom, im also a little

Freedom, im also a little confused. When you talked about gay men livig the straightlifestyle before coming out, did you mean that i might have lived a lesbian lifestyle before coming out as straight? Im a little confused on what you meant by that. Because even so ive always known my orientation though i hid in the closet (where i still am) because of family and such. If thats what you meant i really dont think so because most gay men know theyre gay but chose to try the straigt lifestyle to fit in although they were gay and knew it. I fought feelings for girls for so long before giving in and it made me completely happy. Tries lovig or even liking guys and it did nothing for me. Even know i know its jst the "fantasy" of the forbidden for me (staightness) thst triggers the thoughts lately. Like the unknown erotic aspect hocd sufferers go through but are really straight. I wish a guy with hocd would comment haha. Sorry for typos but im typing from a phone, not my specialty. But please explain a litle more. Im really interested in knowing if ill get back to my happiness.

Yes, that was what I meant.

Yes, that was what I meant. I'm not sure about that viewpoint that seems to suggest that everyone is closeted due to societal stigma. There could be people who for whatever reasons didn't think of themselves as gay, never acted on it, and then later stumbled upon it. That would parallel the lives of many who live for long periods in empty marriages only to discover love at some later age.

Throughout your posts you've been sure that you are not straight. Yet, you're deeply bothered by this. Maybe that is typical in the sense that the HOCD guys get a bit shocked at their own thoughts. Or maybe there is something more to this from your perspective in the sense that some part of you still hasn't given up on being straight to satisfy others. The HOCD folks likely lack those issues to complicate things. Does your partner know about all this and if so, has she offered any insight to help?

I don't know what you mean by get back to your happiness. Withdrawal does lessen with time. Worrying and analyzing certainly won't bring happiness. Have you read the Power of Now?

Well, ive only began to even

Well, ive only began to even try things with girls since i was 15. Before that, i would have never acted on the feelings out of judgement or something. I considered myself At least bi before i ever tried things with both guys and girls. It wasnt until after experiencing both that i realized i felt nothing for guys more than friendship or "hes attractive but i dont want him". After realizing this, ibegan identifying as a lesbian to myseld and people i was close to. The reason im so bothered by this is because the anxiety of overthinking it is certainly taking its toll on me. I know if i was with a guy i wouldnt enjoy it. Its just the fantasy that developed after quitting. If it was part of who i am, wouldnt have I imagined myself as being with the guy when porn watching rather than being in the guys position? I am bothered but a part of me isnt because in my heart i still know its my mind playing tricks. My girlfriend does know, and she believes like me, that you cant change orientation so sudden. She always knew she liked females but ignored it and dated men. She said she was never truly happy unless she was with a woman in some way and thats exactly how ive always felt. Before i knew what gay was, id see a guy and think hey hes cute. But never that i wanted him. Id picture myself as him. Almost as if i said "if i was. A guy id want to look like him" type thing. It was the girl who i wanted to have by my side. Does any of this make sense, as to why it would just start once i quit porn but not during it or even before it? So do you think for sure that Im not a lesbian, or is it just a thought you threw out there?

You started this notion that

You started this notion that you are not a lesbian. Reread your post. It's pretty clear that you are committed to being as you have been and that this fits your experiences over the long-term. Hard as it may be, porn induced thoughts don't have to plague you. Just accept that the waters at the moment are choppy and murky. Things will be clear again, but you likely can’t predict or control when.

So seeing as how I've been

So seeing as how I've been typing from a phone the past few posts (Sorry for the horrible typos in them) I can now type from a computer so I can get more in depth with my replies :) I'll just reply individually to portions of the posts!

To Freedom:
"Porn withdrawal seems to cause the darnedest of things. It's a bit scary to ponder what might be possible at the extremes. Marnia isn't ruling out that possibility, but suggesting that you hold off acting on or thinking about it until you get some breathing room as the withdrawal process lulls. It doesn't make much sense to try to analyze what might not be real. Wait until you're further along and then if it is still an issue you can more clearly assess what to do."

-Yes, I'll try to wait this out longer before driving myself crazy and over analyzing it. The over analyzing definitely isn't helping the thoughts go away, just intensify them more. I mean, look at Ted Bundy. The guy started with regular porn, then hardcore porn, then rape porn, then to actually raping, and finally, to murder when all that wasn't enough. Goes to show you how intense porn can affect you... It's extremely scary. It also shows me that if porn can make someone go to those measures, why wouldn't it try to mess with my happiness in some way?

"Orientation doesn't seem to change at whim, but at the same time there are people who seem to suddenly accept what might have always been their orientation. There are others here who can probably say more about that from their own or a partners accepting being gay perspective. I'm not sure that the quality of a relationship limits one's orientation. There have been some good comments on this issue in the HOCD related threads pertaining to how one sifts underlying desire from noise."

-I get what you mean by this. But from what I have seen, what is considered the norm (being straight) is not usually a thing people DONT want to be. I mean, I don't know anyone who is straight that TRIED being gay because they didn't want to be straight. I'm sure there are cases out there, but I am saying overall for those born gay. Most of all the cases I've seen have been gays who try to be straight, since that is the norm and what is expected of them. So if I was finally realizing I was gay, then I could agree with this part. But, the fact that I always wanted to be straight, be normal, so on, and never had it happen just showed me that straight was never what I was. Even just typing that out helps me see this clearer. I really do think it's the constant over analyzing that has me asking, "What if...." questions to everything.

"Are you the more masculine or feminine partner in your relationship? Maybe from porn you've latched onto the traditional male-masculine role and yet somehow also latched onto the fact that you are female. Combined I could see how those might lead you to the point you are at. It's a random thought and of course that would all be fantasy based."

-Well, my girl friend and I are both "Feminine" lesbians, in the physical aspect at least (make up, the way we dress, etc). But, we both possess "guyish" traits I guess if you look at it from cultural standards. Like for example, we'd probably both pick something blue/green over something pink/purple, or just simple things like that. You know, just "males like this" standards society has placed, though I know that's just what has been placed by society and nothing else. But I was always like that. While the girls picked all kinds of girly things, I always wanted to play with the boy toys. And if I played barbies, I always played the Ken Doll ha. My cousins and I used to act out Lion King and I'd throw a huge fit if I was stuck playing the girl... In fact, I just WOULDN'T play at all because being the girl felt so boring and not right haha.

For the porn, I DID imagine myself in the male-masculine role. It's always been my fantasy to have a penis to penetrate a girl. Not so much to possess a penis, but it makes me jealous that I myself cannot physically penetrate her with myself (excluding toys and such).

So, if those things combined did lead me to the point I'm at, then what? What happens from there?

By the way, I always pictured myself as a "manly" figure, though I'm not, way before I've ever seen porn. I really didn't get hardcore into porn watching until this past year. And during it, I never noticed anything off from myself. The reason I quit, was because i was tired of masturbating, and having less actual sex, so I told myself I was going to quit. Then began all of this mess.... But yes, I've always pictured myself in that role because I've always felt that way in everything I do. I never cared to be the girl in porn, it was always about being the dominant one and me being the guy and getting pleased/pleasing the girl.

I also don't know if this

I also don't know if this relates, but I just want to say, like I said in earlier posts I come from a very gays to hell household. I unfortunately still live with this family so I hear talk about this a lot. I'm not sure where I stand with religious standpoint all the time, but for the most part I do believe in God. I however, DON'T believe being gay/lesbian is a sin. But, I still hear this kind of talk from them and many others on a day to day basis. So I guess even though I don't believe it's a sin, it's kind of a 90% believes it's not, and 10% sinks up all of what they say.

So is it possible to have experienced these withdrawal thoughts once quitting porn, but my thought of "Whoa... did God just make me straight because this really IS a sin?" make me over analyze everything, and almost BE SURE that I didn't turn straight over night? It's almost like I still have some fear in me because of having always been taught this. So when these thoughts arose, I kind of thought, whoa, is this happening because God wants it to or something? Which made me kind of look at everything more detailed and such.

Oh, and the new update is....
The first 2-2 and half weeks it was sexual thoughts toward guys. Now it's sort of just physical attractiveness/wondering what it would be like to date random people (by random, i mean every guy i see. Even the guys i know if i was straight, i'd have nothing in common with). So it's like it dwindled down to sexual thoughts, to dating/physical attractiveness (but no sex thoughts), and i wonder what's next?

I should also say, I have been seeing my girl friend has beyond sexually attractive lately. I feel so close to her, and I am doing my best to get better for her.... I feel very close to her, and she's doing all she can to help me through it. It seems this is making me fall in love with her more.

A few posts back, I was saying "She seems to be the furthest from my mind" during the first 2 weeks. Now, it's the opposite. I feel so close to her.

My best guess is that

it's just the effects of the porn, and it sounds like it's already fading. But I can see why your background made it likely you would start questioning yourself anxiously.

Try to just continue to leave the porn behind and watch how your feelings shift. It's great that your sweetie is lookin' good again.

To Marnia: "I certainly

To Marnia:

"I certainly don't know all the answers, butyour story sounds just like the other OCD sufferers here. Withdrawal ripples send them into the doubts that urge them to "test," and they end up back using porn again. It may just be a porn addiction, with an "anxiety twist," that only acts up during post-O ripples."

-This sounds true. The only difference I am seeing between my case and OCD sufferers seems to be that there's only occurs while they watch porn rather than after. i think I've only seen one case on here who said he had gay thoughts after quitting porn but not during. That's exactly how I am feeling but with straight thoughts. I wish he had followed up, and let us know if his thoughts ever quit :/

"The good news is that they will fade with time. Snuggling (or exchanging generous touch...massage, etc) seems to be the best medicine. Exercise could be good too. My guess is that it will take time for the unwanted, anxiety-producing thoughts to fade, and that you will see more of them when your brain is craving dopamine (either due to withdrawal, or even due to ripples after orgasm)."

-I've been doing a lot of snuggling! My girl friend and I feel extremely close. Like I said in my recent post just now, I said a few weeks ago that I felt far from her. But now, I feel so close. We had a very deep talk, and she's doing all she can to help. So that's one good thing. I'm just wanting to do my best in the fastest time to get back to being the person she fell in love with again. Yeah, I think the orgasm idea last weekend was not a very good idea. It seemed to cause a lot of harsh thoughts.

"I wouldn't try to analyze "bi-ness" or anything to do with sexual orientation for now. Just wait until you're feeling less anxious. Plenty of time to figure that out in a few months."

-True. I will quit trying to over analyze it. I just posted a reply before this in which I talk about why I might be almost "afraid" and over analyzing these thoughts lately. Please read it if you have the time. I also said a bunch more in there.

"Did you read the Schwartz approach to healing OCD? http://yourbrainonporn.com/schwartz-technique-for-rewiring-compulsions"

-I did not yet because I've recently only been accessing the site from a phone. But I am off to read it right now! :)

I have experienced one of these things in the past

When you mentioned that you imagined being the guy (thus having a penis) , that rang a bell with me. My partner and I used to watch porn together - at least once a week, sometimes more often. (I'm female, my partner is male, we're both bi - but are in monogamous relationship.) Gay porn is what we both liked the most. I do remember having the same kind of feelings you describe, and that I'd have images/feelings of being a man, with a penis, while were having sex with my partner, and it happened the most when I was on top. I can't recall having any of these kinds of fantasies in the last two years - and it's probably been at least 3 years since we watched any porn.

I don't recall any attempts on my part to stop these feelings. I think they departed because we stopped fueling them with porn.


Did your partner also take

Did your partner also take the male role? I wonder if porn generally wires everyone to a more dominant persuasion.

Do you recall if the energies generally felt more masculine?

Could women be left unsatisfied because they've adopted a masculine mindset that leaves their energies flowing backwards? That is roughly what the Richardsons suggest. Do the Richardsons take an particular view of bi/gay folks and how this plays out in their bodies?


I only thought of the male role from the penetration and having a penis aspect. Obviously, I don't have one, so I can't know what it's really like. We also went through a toy phase during that time, but I won't get graphic about it. We really enjoyed that time, but lots of orgasms as you know, has deterimental drawbacks, and I suffered more from the effects than he did I suspect I was in the more "male" role most of the time.

Now that this is all in the past for us, and since we mostly schedule Karezza, there doesn't seem to be a typical male/female role to it at all.

I recall the Richardson's mentioning that they had gay couples in their workshops, and they had success with the methods. So it stands to reason that the flow is not physically hardwired.

For me the key is the heart centered loving nature of Karezza, and putting one's body parts together how ever you want will work, as long as it's not orgasm driven.


My thought got lost

My thought got lost somewhere. Taoists note that feminine energy enters in the genitals and exits at the breast. Masculine energy enters at the chest and exits at the genitals. Unless I've got something wrong in my understanding, the default seat of the sexual energy is the exit point, which is why women are by nature more heart centered and men less so without some added effort. Both energies can shift to being more heart centered if one reaches for that. That is perhaps the ambi-sexual element, a sort of closing of the gaps in polarity.

What I meant by male role wasn't the aspects of penis-envy, but whether you felt you were sending energy through your genitals.

You raise an interesting issue. If the feminine polarity shifts beyond a certain heart centered point such that the feminine becomes more masculine, can the orgasm fallout worsen for a female? The opposite seems to be true in that as men become more heart centered, the orgasm fallout lessens. This makes me wonder about some of the elevated sexuality, third eye stuff, etc. Is that too extreme in a sense? Or is it men who need that extreme in order to act on the gaps between the default male sexuality and heart-centered male sexuality? Do those same concepts apply equally to both sexes (or genders as applicable)?

Hmmmm. I'm not sure how I'd

Hmmmm. I'm not sure how I'd describe the answer to your question freedom. I'm not sure if i was "releasing energy" through my genitals so to speak. I just know I can't ever enjoy something sexual with someone unless I am emotionally attracted to them, so that is more of a "heart release" while during PMO, I release through genitals only.

I am certainly pleased sexually by being "dominated" by my girl friend as well (By that, I just mean her on top. We don't use sex toys).

Guys, I am beginning to think my initial porn triggered thoughts after stopping porn (Seeing every guy and thinking sex, sex sex to any guy, no matter how they look) also triggered something else: HOCD, except in straight form.

Now this is a whole different anxiety...
I know this lies to you, and makes you believe you'd like things you wouldn't.

Now it isn't even sexual thoughts.
Now the HOCD seems to be triggering simple thoughts like would you like dating a guy/kissing a guy/etc?
Like someone said about truly straight males... If they were gay, they would not be getting anxiety over thoughts of the same-sex. It's the HOCD speaking.
And who in their right mind in a hetero dominated society would feel "guilty" or "wrong" for straight thoughts? Someone that is truly gay...
It's been causing me so much confusion.

One week ago, i felt GREAT. Like 98% better. I felt great, and i could finally feel at peace.
3 days later, back to feeling horrible. I don't know what set it off or anything.

But i know if my orientation had "switched" over night, it would not be fine for 3 days, then go back to me freaking out, and feeling anxious every time i am around any male.

It's also frustrating me that i am not picturing myself as the same role when i watch a movie like i've done the other 20 years of my life.
I don't know how to quit thinking about it, analyzing it. It's not like alcohol or something you can ignore, since males/females are in every thing we do, tv, music, books, etc.

Also, do you guys think this

Also, do you guys think this kind of "worsened" me cutting back....
I stopped porn, orgasm, eating a lot of fast food (I'm skinny for my height, it was just making me break out so i decided to cut out most of it, but not all), stopped the drinking as much on the weekend (though I still do on Saturdays with my girl friend) and a few other things.

I quit these all at the same time. Do you think this might have caused harsher effects?
I read online that some people keep HOCD for years, and years and years.
That is beyond depressing....

I'm no OCD expert

But what I have seen is that people recovering from it typically have "episodes" from time to time, even if they're making good progress over all. It's probably like any other brain change: not linear. A friend who quit smoking said: "The cravings were just as intense for a long time. What changed was the frequency and ultimately the duration of the symptoms."

It could be the same with OCD. Do your best to stop analyzing "why," and just keep turning your attention to something else, without taking the unwanted thoughts seriously.

They need time to fade, so don't panic when they pop up now and then.

It's extremely difficult to

It's extremely difficult to deal with any form of OCD. For me, it's HOCD, while also trying to recover from porn addiction and ED at the same time. I'm pretty much in the same boat you're in, only the exact opposite, and minus the "I think porn temporarily changed my sexual orientation" part. I try to avoid contact with guys, except my friends. Not because I'm attracted to them or anything, I have no interest in men at all, but because I don't want my HOCD to possibly kick in and put more false thoughts/doubts in my head again.

Check out my story, maybe it will help: http://www.reuniting.info/node/10576

Marnia... The further i get

Marnia... The further i get from porn, the stronger my thoughts are. UGH.
I just don't understand why everyone else is saying they go through withdraw symptoms, and then begin to feel better.
It's like I am feeling worse as I go on....

Low dopamine levels increase OCD thoughts from what I've read.
It seems like withdrawing from porn kind of had a back effect on me.

I never had this before porn, or really during porn.
It just popped up out of no where...
I am just wondering if it's still the porn withdraw, or if i am over that, and having to overcome a new issue.. OCD.

I am very tempted to go back

I am very tempted to go back to porn viewing just so i can feel like myself again.
But then i don't want that to create stronger thoughts over something not real, so i am not going to do that.

But i am very tempted to do so.

I was still having

I was still having difficulty up to 50 days after ceasing porn and masturbation. For me it was over 3 weeks before I noticed the intensity start to drop. It will ebb down eventually, but dont think youll just wake up one morning and be fine. Thats unlikely. Hang in there

QuestionSeeker34 my story is

QuestionSeeker34 my story is very similar to yours, I escalated to transexual porn when I was around 14/15 (I'm 21 now) and I developed HOCD, it was intense and very difficult, similar to your own story but just let me tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

After months and months of no transexual porn the arousal for it has vanished, I can't quite describe it any other way. The transexual fantasies don't disgust me, but there is no "spark" anymore, the triggers have weakened to the point that it no longer appeals to my sexually. Would it appeal to me if I started watching it again? Maybe. I won't be finding out though.

The HOCD I got, like you, started the second I accepted I was a porn addict and started to quit, it got very very strong, pushing me to check with transexual porn and even gay porn at times (to see if I was aroused) I was and that just made the anxiety worse. Checking with gay porn became even a ritual of sorts (even though I never really had any interest in it, even when I was knee-deep in the addiction, ironically it was only after I quit that I started checking with gay porn) I would open a window of a naked man and one of a woman and stare at both pictures, wanting to know which aroused me the most. Any sort of tingle downstairs would set my HOCD off like crazy.

But, the good news is the HOCD has vanished. I'm in a relationship with a beautiful and amazing woman who I have a fantastic relationship and sex life with, my HOCD has gone, it was absolutely 100% connected to porn use for me, once my brain accepted the fact it wasn't getting anymore porn, the HOCD curbed considerably and faded altogather.

It wasn't easy, I had to consciously ignore the HOCD thoughts and laugh them off, but it worked.

The absolute WORST thing you can do is talk/read/write/think anything about HOCD (or SOCD in your case) because it fuels it. Give it attention and it will bother you, even writing here about it is a bad idea in my opinion, because your giving it focus, your thinking about it and trying to analyze it. Its impossible to EVER beat HOCD head-on, absolutely impossible. All you can do is ignore and get on with your life, as you quit the porn and leave the HOCD alone it will go. I promise.

Wish you the best of luck!

uKnighted- Thanks! I wasn't

uKnighted- Thanks! I wasn't planning to wake up with it gone, but the thing is, sometimes i do wake up feeling great and laughing at the thoughts thinking i beat the OCD. Then sure enough, it plays its game and beats me and I'm back to feeling horrible. I'm going to do my best to not try to go back to masturbation or porn.

20UK- *Sigh* Your post is pretty relieving. I've seen many cases on here of people having HOCD while using porn, but not many instances where they got it only after quitting. I'm glad you posted, because now I feel a bit better about it starting after quitting porn.

Did you ever picture guys as in, I want to date him/kiss him?
It's like my sexual fantasies about guys have vanished, but i will look at any guy, and picture kissing him, and it's like I like it. But then I picture a girl who I don't know and i seem to like kissing her too. But in real life, I've never enjoyed kissing guys, only girls.

Do you think the part where i said I used to picture myself as guys in movies and such, and relate to them, will also come back?
It's weird to me... to watch a movie and actually relate to the part of the girl. It's like OCD is placing me where I've never been, to make me question if I want to be in that role or something.

You say it faded after months and months, do you know about exactly how long?

I try to do my best to stop checking these forums, but it always comes back. After you reply to this post, i'll do my best to not check in for a while.

But congratulations on beating HOCD and for being so happy in a relationship. I really wish you two the best in every way.

I also just want to point out there, I am very sure i still have attractions to girls. I still love my girl friend, despite all this, and I know that.
It's just the confusion. And it's like I test myself...
When I'm not having the thoughts, i see an attractive guy on tv, and purposely picture kissing him to see if i "got over" liking kissing him, and then it puts me back to square one. Will I get to a day where I can picture that and NOT like it, like I did before porn?

I start college again next week, so I won't have much time to research all of this anyway... Maybe it will help in a way.
But i will check your post, and then quit the forums and researching (or try to). Attempting to not do that has been much harder for me than quitting porn viewing, for sure.

Thank you a lot :)

I'm sorry you're struggling with this

It's SO annoying that the OCD gets more intense at first when you try to quit porn. On the other hand, that's consistent with the whole addiction thing, because the brain is used to pushing your "erotic anxiety" button to get its porn fix. Very sneaky.

You're always welcome here. Just, for your own good, try not to analyze your OCD.

*big hug*

The HOCD started after porn

The HOCD started after porn because I believe it is a withdrawal symptom, like some people get anxiety when they try to get off a drug (or porn) it just manifests itself as the worry about sexual orientation, because frankly thats connected to our porn use. (Material that didn't match our sexual orientation)

I never pictured guys in that sense, until I read that "Whoever you want to kiss defines your sexual orientation" then all of a sudden I started thinking about it, thats HOCD in a nutshell basically, any situation will be twisted and warped to being "gay" or in your case "strait."
HOCD plays tricks, it creates situations in your mind and fools you into believing things, I woke up one morning after 30+days of no porn and for half a day I was convinced I'd turned 100% homosexual over-night, I was terrified, the thought of never being able to love a woman again sent me into depression, until I met my girlfriend later that day, after that it totally vanished.

The point is whatever "feelings" you get while suffering from HOCD can't be trusted, I read on a HOCD forum a year or so ago that a guy had HOCD so bad he actually came out to his family and friends, but was still strait!

Well it vanished after around 2-3 months without looking at transexual porn, I can't say exactly how long because quite frankly I just stopped counting and thinking about it.

Thanks very much :) I wish you and your girlfriend the best as well! :)

I think you will get to that day, but you're honestly going to have to stop picturing yourself kissing these guys, its easier said than done, I know, but you really have to just change your thoughts instantly.

I don't mean quit the forums! :) This place was a godsend for me, I mean try not to obsessively search out posts/info on HOCD, divert your attention away from it as much as possible and soon you'll have whole days when you aren't even thinking about it.

I really hope you get through this, its hard-Damn hard in fact but if I can do it, you can too. :) Just try and remember, the longer you go without porn and keep ignoring those obsessive thoughts, the easier and easier it will get!

If you need any help, or just want someone to vent your feelings at, feel free to pm me :)

Hi to all. Unfortunately, it

Hi to all. Unfortunately, it is a very bad day for me today. I had a family member bring up how "All gays are going to hell" which i guess spiked me. I felt okay yesterday, but on and off crappyness. I was doing fine today until a family member mentioned that (They have no idea I am gay).
It made me start panicking about if "Are you feeling these things because you're really straight?! Is God making you straight now?!" which doesn't make sense.... Because I knew before the porn how "gay" I was.

For the first time in my life a little bit ago, I was like "Did you choose to be gay? Yeah, thats it. You made the choice didn't you?" and it made me go back and examine an incident when i was 5. A completely INNOCENT incident. A friend and I were playing a game, and she kissed my hand, and i got scared and ran home.

It made me say to myself, if you were gay back then, why didn't you like her kissing you? Thing is, had it been a boy kissing my hand at 5 years old, i STILL would have got scared and ran home. I even had a girl friend in kindergarten for crying out loud.

Never in my whole life have i said, "I chose to be gay" because I know I didn't.
But this OCD ate me up so bad today. I actually said that, though I know it's untrue.

Previously, I posted that the sexual thoughts transferred to kissing/dating thoughts. Today it was back to sexual thoughts. I began doing what I shouldn't.... GOOGLING different things. I came across a forum where guys were discussing how they believe lesbians don't even exist. They think they are sexually unsatisfied and will always end up with a guy. In my heart, I KNOW that isn't true. And I know the only girls that end up with guys, are bisexual girls who chose a guy, or straight girls. Not lesbians. But i really had myself saying... "Oh I bet lesbians don't even exist." then i wanted to slap myself for saying something so stupid.

It has me questioning my girl friends orientation lately too.
Man, talk about a DOUBT disease.
I'm trying to turn the thoughts, and some days I am good. I feel almost all better, then randomly it comes back.

Today, it got so bad that i felt like "This is real. You just turned over night. It doesn't even have anything to do with the porn. You never liked girls, you just liked them as friends. You liked your guy friends all along" even though I know that's a load of bull...

When changing thoughts, what else should I change to?

I have so much going on in my life right now that conflicts with this.

Hi everyone,

Hi everyone,

I am posting here almost 4 and a half months from my original post.
I would love to say i am recovered, but I am not.

It seems withdrawing from porn made me realize i have a mild form of OCD. It wasn't until i got an obsession of worry over my sexual orientation when i quit porn, that my ocd began depressing me, taking over my life, and making me miserable.

I have good days, then i have horrible days.

As most know, low dopamine kicks OCD into harder effect. So going longer without masturbation or sex INCREASED my hocd (well in my case, straight fear) the longer i withdrew from those. Once I had normal levels of dopamine, i felt happy and like myself again.

I tried to start orgasming every few days, without porn, just to see if it might have a good effect on making me quit with ocd thoughts, since they only arise when i have low dopamine levels.

bad idea, i am just as sad going without orgasm.

I am feeling discouraged. I don't feel like myself, and i haven't in months, except certain days.

I know this process isn't linear, but geez, when will i overcome this OCD?

It's like once i think i am better, i do something to test myself ( i use to be able to do that fine in the past, and know 100% im gay) and now, when i test myself, i fall back into the OCD trap.

I want to feel alive again, and not always like wanting to dive off a cliff

If i were truly turning straight over night, then i would not feel so miserable, depressed, and down right "not myself".

It seems that when i am "hungry" for an orgasm, ANYTHING can get me off since i've quit porn.

Crazy stuff that i know i am not attracted to is eating at me.

Through escalation, there have been about 2 or 3 times where i watched disgusting things like dogs doing humans, and it turned me on for whatever reason. Times like that were when i said "ENOUGH" but today, my ocd actually made me consider if i think dogs are hot.

Typing about it sounds funny now, but still, at the time i was freaking out.

It's hard to simply ignore thoughts, because they feel so real, and you want to make sure they aren't before you go trying to change them.

Has anyone hear felt "Hypersexual" during recovery? Like anything turned them on?

I feel emotionless towards most things these days....
and sometimes i feel asexual, pansexual, and hypersexual some days.

It's insane.

I know my body is hungry for dopamine fixes, but this OCD is driving me insane.

I feel so wrong for what i am experiencing.

What about getting

some medical help for OCD. Have a look at this site, which is based on the work of Jeffrey Schwartz MD. http://www.hope4ocd.com/selfhelp.php  I like his approach because it empowers the patient by explaining how brain plasticity works. There may be a forum at that site. I think Schwartz sometimes prescribes some psychotropic drugs to help people too, and maybe a well-trained doctor could be recommended...just to help you over the hump...er...the whatever.

Basically, whatever you get off to (via imagination or pixels) is wiring you become hyperreactive to it. Did you read this post? Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner?

Have you tried cutting back to masturbation based on sensation alone without any "visuals?" I know you'll be anxious for a while, but it may help you stabilize in the end. I just put up a new HOCD rebooting account. He's been at it for 8 months, and is still seeing improvements, so it can take a while. http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-18-severe-hocd-first-8-months

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Still in your relationship?

*big hug*

Hi Marnia, nice to hear from

Hi Marnia, nice to hear from you!
I would get medical help for my OCD, but if you mean going to an actual face-to-face therapist, i REALLY don't have the money to be able to do that at the moment.

I will have a look at the link you just posted though. Maybe in the future, I can look into a face to face appointment.

I have been doing okay the past few days. Better than when I posted that.
It seems the anxiety is easing up. The only part that is not easing up, is my "testing" in which, I think I am better, and decide to put myself into some scenario to test myself, and end up back in square one.

I keep fearing that I will get recovered, then never be able to test myself and be sure of my orientation like I used to.
But then I see all of these truly straight individuals suffering with the same thing.

In almost every HOCD case I've seen, porn addiction has been in their story at some point. It's strange.

And that's interesting about the wiring causing hyperactivity.
My first day of responding "hyperactive" to every single male in the store, of every shape, size, facial structure, is what sparked my HOCD to great heights...

I have not been masturbating. Though since recovery, when i wasn't feeling improvement, I decided that maybe be raising my dopamine levels with masturbation, i could at least be happy enough to fight off the HOCD because it seems now porn addiction and HOCD are no longer connected, even though i still get porn flash backs.
But i saw that was a bad idea, trying to masturbate. It left me feeling more emotionless.

I have gone about 3 weeks, 2 days without sex/orgasm.

I have been privately messaging 20UK, the other poster in this thread who has helped me so much.
He told me that he refrained from orgasm for about 2 months. He said that by a month (the furthest in recovery i've gotten without orgasm from some way) he felt slight changes, but nothing significant, which left him with "Is this all the positives i'm going to see?!" but once he waited a few more weeks, he really got a lot better.

So I'm back on that route, AGAIN. Took me a few attempts and "What If's" to get on this road though.

I find that even on my days that I feel somewhat better, I still lack emotion, to almost anything.
Doing little activities that used to spark my interest are seemingly dull.

That includes activities with my girl friend, such as just hanging out or going to the movies.

Yes, I'm still with her, she's still be my side, strong. But it's been causing a lot of problems on us, that's for sure. We never experienced any arguing until all this... My fault :( I definitely would've never got involved with porn, had I known where I'd be right now.

I've read online recently that the Niacin is something that many OCD sufferers have began taking to treat their OCD and anxiety. I've been taking it for about a week, so I'm going to see if it helps me at all.
It is supposed to ease fear and such.

I think what is holding me back, is fear that once I am recovered, I'm still going to feel like this emotionless person, when i used to be FULL of emotion.
Like I just got out of college for summer, and normally, i'd be ecstatic. However, it was kind of like "Eh... summer, whatever"

I am off to read your links!
Please reply when you can.

Have you heard of "False attractions" with OCD? I've been experiencing those, to people opposite of what i'd normally view as attractive.

Honestly, I wish I knew more

I'm sorry to say that the HOCD sufferers sometimes really have a tough time getting their brains rewired. Sillly limbic system really thinks those hot orgasms the porn caused (mostly hot due to anxiety...as it turns out), are VALUABLE. Guess it doesn't want to give up on a "good" thing.

I wish we knew more about what helps people the most, but we only know what you folks learn and share. Based on that, my thought is that the less you analyze your attractions and the more attention you put on returning to balance, the smoother your recovery.

I know that's not easy, especially when you've been used to self-medicating using sex.

What about trying an indirect approach like meditation or hypno? Ideas here: ♦Solo Tools

Hi everyone. I am back, 2

Hi everyone. I am back, 2 years later with the same problem.

I have posted a new topic in the forum "Turning gay" if any of you lovely people would care to read and/or put in some input.

I have only gone about 2 to 2 and a half months tops of no PMO or testing, and I think even then I had some mess ups in that time.
I have been severely watching porn since I was very young, so I know I'll need a very long reboot time.

Here is the new problem for me in getting over porn and HOCD.

Watching porn makes the HOCD go away, temporarily after I orgasm. I cry, and ask myself why I just masturbated to that. Then the "HOW did you masturbate to that and like it, if you're gay" chimes in, strengthens my HOCD and it's a neverending cycle.

My new problem about not getting better is I have found a new compulsion.
One day when my HOCD was bad and I watched porn to try to calm it down, I was aroused, and decided to "Test" by inserting an object into myself and acting as if it was a penis.
I personally never liked internal stimulation too much, except for my girl friends fingers, but I surprisingly liked the feeling this produced during this test, and I pictured it as the guy in the porn being what was in me to test. I didn't expect to like it, and I did, and I orgasmed.
I don't think I cried as much during my entire 2 years of having it as much as I did then.

Then, this whole either watching porn or having a fantasy that i am the girl in the porn, along with an object inside me has become a new compulsion if you will.

Does it sound like a compulsion to you all? To test, then like what you tested with even though you didn't expect to and then it starts a new compulsion up in you?

After I do it, i cry, or i feel horrible. Wondering how I could like that thought or masturbation technique if i am gay.
I just want to run to my girlfriend, hold her, and cry.

I feel super gay after I orgasm. But it's during that I don't. But it still feels as if someone else is doing the act even though it's me.

I feel empty after doing that or like I just killed someone or something.
It's not the same feeling when i finish as when I used to masturbate over thoughts of my girlfriend.
This is not a satisfied feeling even though I orgasm, but instead, a sickly feeling, an oh my god I don't understand feeling.

Has this compulsion set in anyone else/
Is there any reason for this?

My mess ups are becoming more frequent and this new compulsion is one of the main reasons.
Please help me.