not bottom but...

Submitted by looking4balance on
Printer-friendly version

not where i was that is for sure. I was doing pretty well there with 4 weeks porn free (not exactly without orgasm via dating, but) and then i came across by accident a file that was in my trash bin and opened it to see it. in a flash, i let the gates open and ended up masturbating to porn on a binge. the pain and despair i caused was so intense, that i found myself doing it again the next night and the next....trying to keep feelings of lonliness and shame a bay with the very activity that creates more isolation and shame! lol....we addicts ain't too bright,

Mix that with continued irresponsibility concerning what needs to be done with various women in my life (still getting selfish sex needs met, but avoiding the bigger issues and not concerning what is best for them) and its not been a banner month for me. I was able to keep the feeling of esteem high for longer than i have for a while so that's good i guess. I have discovered that having orgasms every day is leaves me weak (especially in the legs/lower half), tired, and colorless with hint of paranoia thrown in. The only way to stop being sexually irresponsible with the women i am seeing is just not to see them at my home or theirs. I find if we are alone and in private, even if i intended not to have sex, its just too hard not to if i know i can (ie they are willing). If we are in public at a cafe, its a non-issue. Its a way to help get a longer period of non-orgasm time down (perhaps 2 weeks?) but i know its not a long term solution. i say 'irresponsible' because i know in my heart the sex I am having is ego-based centering on approval and dopamine highs and is not loving or giving. Not surprisingly, it doesn't feel good afterwards.

As for the porn, i am finding reading inspirational words often is helping (thanks Jorgen for some of his posts), as well as telling others what i am doing (like right now, here). We are only as sick as our secrets, someone once said. Anyway, i wanted to get honest and reconnect with the site and people here. Sounds like everyone is doing some great work here and its also great to hear others stories and experiences. thanks to everyone as always for that.



Do you remember

your post about making love to your girlfriend (or whatever she is Wink ) without climax...and feeling much better afterward? Maybe it's time to try that approach again.

Good to hear from you. How's the free-lancing going?

i do remember, yes

but i think for other reasons, i should find someone else and perhaps wait for the dopamine to clear out of my system. I just dont feel strong enough right now to avoid going for my own orgasm, so i think some dopamine detox might be in order until things balance more, no? : )

Freelancing is great...more work than i can handle, which is a good thing. I am glad i took the chance. Thank you for your support during that time : )
Thank you!!!!!

Keep in mind that you don't need to detox

from dopamine. You need balance. Dopamine is vital to feelings of wellbeing. The trouble comes when over-stimulation causes it to down-regulate. Then you feel "off" and the promise of relief sends it soaring too high again.

You want to hangout somewhere in the middle instead.

Glad to hear your professional life is going well. Congrats.

i forgot about that

important point..i kept thinking BAD DOPAMINE! lol..but its as you say, keeping it in check. Too much of a good thing, i guess...
I will keep lots on interpersonal contact with females, maybe some hugging just for now.
This is such a helpful forum and this site is such a positive force for healing...what a great thing. Thanks Marnia for creating it and sharing your findings about sex and healing for the benefit of others! : )

Nothing left to do...

...but get back on the horse.
Yes it hurts when you fall off (especially when your boot gets caught in the stirrup and the damn thing drags you 1/2 a mile!) But the view is much better from on top of the saddle.
You should be proud of your 4 weeks. That's a feat.
OK. So I have been where you are. Trying to conquer the porn with sheer will but still having orgasms.
For me to go this long, it had to be a combo cold turkey. Think about it. The orgasms are keeping your demons fed. When you are alone, the demons are still there - but if the computer is on, they go to your fingers and move you to places you don't consciously want to go - and then ! There you are, looking at the backside of your horse again (and feeling like what you are looking at!)
You can do this. You know you can.
Now wipe off the dirt, pull the cactus spine out of your ass, and get back on.
Maybe in the future you (and I, but not together) can orgasm again without it being a slide back to the pit of dispair - but we are not strong enough now.
Good luck!

you are so right, LR

caught in the bootstrap i was! great analogy there..hah. I agree that for now, no orgasm through porn or through sex would be best, although harder. I just dont feel strong enough right now to have sex without going for orgasm, but maybe in the near future. I will get back on the horse for sure. Thanks for the support. Its much needed. Let's make our best efforts!


Yes. That is what it is. I am having a hard time now too. No slips orgasmically, but visually and mentally. I am working hard as some stresses peak to stay on the path. Ridiculous how hard it is really. I guess if I can get through these next few months, as long as I stay vigilant, I should be able to get through anything!
Keep on keeping on. Thanks for getting back on here and giving us your story. Though you slipped, I was helped by the reminder that I am that close too. It helps to have you back and posting.
When all is dark, remember that I and others on here, are pulling and praying for you.