not where i was that is for sure. I was doing pretty well there with 4 weeks porn free (not exactly without orgasm via dating, but) and then i came across by accident a file that was in my trash bin and opened it to see it. in a flash, i let the gates open and ended up masturbating to porn on a binge. the pain and despair i caused was so intense, that i found myself doing it again the next night and the next....trying to keep feelings of lonliness and shame a bay with the very activity that creates more isolation and shame! lol....we addicts ain't too bright, huh..lol
Mix that with continued irresponsibility concerning what needs to be done with various women in my life (still getting selfish sex needs met, but avoiding the bigger issues and not concerning what is best for them) and its not been a banner month for me. I was able to keep the feeling of esteem high for longer than i have for a while so that's good i guess. I have discovered that having orgasms every day is leaves me weak (especially in the legs/lower half), tired, and colorless with hint of paranoia thrown in. The only way to stop being sexually irresponsible with the women i am seeing is just not to see them at my home or theirs. I find if we are alone and in private, even if i intended not to have sex, its just too hard not to if i know i can (ie they are willing). If we are in public at a cafe, its a non-issue. Its a way to help get a longer period of non-orgasm time down (perhaps 2 weeks?) but i know its not a long term solution. i say 'irresponsible' because i know in my heart the sex I am having is ego-based centering on approval and dopamine highs and is not loving or giving. Not surprisingly, it doesn't feel good afterwards.
As for the porn, i am finding reading inspirational words often is helping (thanks Jorgen for some of his posts), as well as telling others what i am doing (like right now, here). We are only as sick as our secrets, someone once said. Anyway, i wanted to get honest and reconnect with the site and people here. Sounds like everyone is doing some great work here and its also great to hear others stories and experiences. thanks to everyone as always for that.