♥ Twenty five [1]

I've been keeping a diary of our sex life. I've also kept tabs on our moods. Until recently, the last orgasm I had was more two months ago. During that time, my wife had three orgasms. We've just gone through a major hiccup, with orgasms coming thick and fast. One of mine was a wet dream, which I haven't had for ages. I think it was inevitable. I was beginning to feel like a ball of dough that couldn't rise any further; something had to give.

My wife has a fairly tolerant attitude to climaxing. She can take it or leave it, but on balance would rather it happened than not. The trouble is, she is dependant on me for this. Nothing she can - or is willing to - do will bring one on unless I assist in some way. Because she enjoys orgasms, and because I enjoy helping her have them, it's tricky to know whether or not to continue doing the things I have always done, now that I believe there may be a chance she'll feel better if I don't.

We have talked about this and she has said she is quite happy not orgasming; but she also says no one in their right mind would want to give up something so pleasurable. Anyway, for the time being, she still orgasms, when the occasion seems to demand it.

For my part, not orgasming is no longer as difficult an issue. Whereas before, and for a long time, I was involved in a struggle with myself, now it has become almost second nature. That is, there is still a strong desire to reach orgasm, but it is paltry compared to the desire not to. I don't know if this has left me more or less lustful, or loving. However, as I said, I recently had a wet dream, and a couple of other orgasms slid out of me almost without my noticing.

Overall, my mood is unchanged. I've always been pretty calm, with occasional flare ups, throughout our married life. I'd say as I've got older the flare ups have lessened. I never noticed any particular diminution in them during periods of not orgasming in recent years, but I was never certain how long those periods went on for. I can now say with certainty that not orgasming for eight weeks did nothing to prevent, or minimise, my most recent flare up, which occured a couple of weeks ago; and three orgasms in as many days doesn't seem to have left a negative legacy, other than me feeling sexually depleted.

For a while, I wondered if my wife's orgasms affected me. There seemed to be something going on that I couldn't put my finger on. During the last three months, her moods have been very stable; but then they always were. However, I'm beginning to sense there might be undercurrents I'm largely oblivious to. I believe my wife could, very subtly, and unintentionally, be setting something in motion that causes me to react, far less subtly, so what appears to be - and, of course, still is - 'my problem', is actually an issue going on with her; and that this is linked to her orgasms. Until she has gone as long as me not having an orgasm, I'll never know. The possibility is, of course, that this sort of incitory behaviour could still be going on, without orgasm having anything to do with it; but it would be good to know, for sure.

We've had plenty of sexual activity, non sexual cuddling, and general friendliness, thoughout this period, though no more than at other times in our lives. The sex is different, but not that different. I'd say, by avoiding orgasm, we are still having largely conventional sex, non conventionally. It is mostly great, without being ecstatic. Though stand out moments are not as good as those I remember from the past, virtually every encounter nowadays is a positive one - unique, satisfying, self contained - which wasn't the case before. If pressed, I would say our sex life has never been better, but we are far from having the best sex of our lives. We have fewer lows, but also fewer highs.

The most profound change I've noticed has little to do with having or not having orgasms but with us sharing responsibility for sexual initiation and direction. I've explained the rationale behind this before. My hope is that eventually we'll acquire a non scheduled way of cultivating the nicities of our intimate life that is both equitable and satisfying.

On the question of not orgasming long term, I am still in two minds. A growing part of me is enjoying the feeling of being ever ready, reaching satiation without  exhaustion, enjoying the journey with no end. A diminishing but still significant part misses the heights of fervant eroticism, the wipe out experience, followed by recovery. The attendant sticky mess of ejaculating is not missed by anyone, though my wife is concerned about lack of orgasm being bad for my health. I share this concern, a little. Although I don't feel I'm constraining myself in the slightest - I rarely get close to going over the edge, these days, and if I do, there's no sense of having to fight to contain this - I do question the good sense of repeatedly setting off with a clear cut bodily intention that is at constant variance with my overall aim.

Every time we begin lovemaking, the process of arousal represents my body's desire, even compulsion, to ejaculate. Any pleasure I feel reflects the enticement nature provides to get my sperm where it needs to go. I have no problem enjoying this for my own ends - riding piggyback on my lizard's purpose - but I do wonder (and worry) if what's happening behind the scenes, in innumerable vascular ways (actions and reactions coming into play, to support the urge to climax) may not relish being repeatedly encouraged to go towards the point of ultimate satisfaction, but never allowed to get to that point.

I've been searching around for a suitable analogy. All I can think of is having a favourite food that, for health reasons, I have decided not to eat any more. However, I keep a supply of it in my larder, because I still allow myself to look at it, touch it, sniff it, lick it, and even put it in my mouth and chew it. The taste is still as I remember, but I am committed to not swallowing any of this food. So, taking care not to allow a single drop, especially when mixed with my saliva, to slip down my gullet, I savour the texture and taste and then spit it out.

I might find this curiously satisfying, but I would still wonder whether the opening and closing of various internal valves and ducts, as all organs associated with digestion get put on alert, causing secretions in my mouth and stomach, encouraging anticipation in my intestine - none of which ever gets to fulfil its purpose - might in time have an adverse effect on me, in ways I couldn't imagine. I think I would have to consider this behaviour more questionable than simply stopping stocking the food in the first place.

I've noticed after my recent orgasms, although my mood seems unchanged, I am less interested - massively so - in having sex; and this is reflected in (or reflects) my wife's diminished attractiveness to me. It's quite subtle, but whereas before, for as long as I was avoiding orgasm, everything about her seemed delightful, and I felt an almost continual urge to reach out towards her, for a period of days following the orgasms, my interest waned. I still appreciated her, but I was less drawn towards expressing this. It was as if the magnetic pull I had become familiar with had vanished.

Since I often equate sex with food, I see this as the inevitable consequence of satisfying a hunger. After a large meal, the least interesting thing I can think of would be another large meal. However, if I had only put the food in my mouth, savoured it, and then spat it out, I might well be ready to taste it again within very little time.

I'm beginning to suspect this delight in my wife's presence when i'm not orgasming isn't so much the accumulive result of bonding behaviours but simply the age old desire to impregnate. The lizard lives on, inside his cage!

So, where am I, on my journey? 

I prefer sex without orgasm. I never thoight Ii would say this, but it's true. I still like orgasms, and I don't seem to be too adversely affected by them; but they're not so good that they make up for all the advantages of not orgasming.

However, I am worried about the effects on my health from not orgasming. 

I'm unsure how I should deal with my wife's orgasms. Since she relies on me to reach orgasm, it seems unkind to deny her assistance, even if by doing so I might ultimately help her.

I feel we haven't yet cracked the Karezza Code. Having read lots on the subject, it's obvious there are many different ways of practicing non orgasmic sex; but the mode we haven't got to grips with, is the one emphasising attention rather than action. I guess there's no hurry, and things will unfold in their own time, but it's disappointing to find ourselves yawning sometimes when by many of the accounts I've heard we should be streaming with ecstasy!

One purchase I keep intending to make is a sand timer. My wife and I have constant (good natured) disagreements about the passage of time. Since neither of us likes checking clocks, I thought it might be instructive to reach out and flip over a sixty minute timer whenever we start making love. We might then glance at it now and again, just to verify how long what seems like a long time (to my wife) or a short time (to me) is.

I'm realising the issue of the time we devote to what we do is important. It seems to me, very little worthwhile can be done in a hurry; and even if it can, the more rushed we are, the less we will be able to appreciate it.