♥Review of concepts on this site for healing relationships [1]

I've read this site for a while and agree with much of the wisdom discussed here. I've corresponded a great deal with a courtly companion who had sworn off men altogether only to become somewhat plagued by OCD behavior by denying herself any form of sexual release what so ever. So here are a list of things I agree with:

1. Overstimulation and instant gratification do not serve us well in the long term.
2. Porn is the equivalent of sexual junk food.
3. Lovemaking without the purpose of orgasm can lead to better trust and communication.
4. Bonding behaviors are always nice.

Here are some things I feel that people here may debate about:

1. Lovemaking with the purpose of ideally not having orgasms can be very disruptive to a relationship.
2. The "coolidge effect" is in my opinion an important part of a healthy relationship. Fights do need to surface.

I'll explain... All relationships have negative issues lurking beneath the surface, and ideally we desire only to experience the pleasurable aspects of a relationship while turning a blind eye to the things that bother us. Even the Dali Lama says happiness is about just being closer to that which makes you happy. But where is he now, kicked out of his home, or in the analogy of marriage he would be kicked out of the house and separated from his spouse. So ultimately negative issues have to be addressed, and couples do need to fight. What is the MOST important is that couples need to learn to fight with compassion toward one another and the needs of the relationship. If you are denying orgasms and relaxing in a calm world of passive sexual bliss, problems may still grow while being ignored beneath the surface. Life in reality is messy, and we have to be willing to fight for that which we love.

My wife and I are an interracial marriage and grew up on different continents. Only through fighting have I come to appreciate that she is not happy with where we live and how my family interferes with our relationship. I have since procured a job in which I work remotely and we can now live anywhere without any compromise to our livelihood. I have made it obvious to my family that my wife comes first. I have become open to living in places that have a lot of potential to increase our quality of life (beach versus the countryside), and we are in the process of relocating. This my folks is what I describe as things I have fought in my marriage to achieve.

So when the coolidge effect raises its head and snapping occurs, I often find myself remembering the TED presentation on vulnerability and how making yourself vulnerable can be a very powerful and moving thing. One might find themselves wanting to keep everything safe and secure, and just walk away and shut down when a marital argument happens. If instead you face it with compassion and are willing to embrace the trust and communication marriages can achieve and become fully vulnerable, you can come out the other end of the argument with what it really means to love someone. This is what above all the bonding behaviors, gentle lovemaking, and trying to be nice all the time has done the most to heal and advance my relationship with my wife. Fighting through our issues brings us closer. Some issues will always just have to be ugly to work through, like the in-laws calling her a manipulative bitch. No amount of avoiding orgasms will make that one go away!!

So my courtly companion I fear is dealing with a great deal of pain in her life and I feel has discovered that numbing pleasure also numbs pain. This numbness in return has escalated her OCD behavior due to underlying tension and issues. Once I convinced her not to go to extremes and let go every once and a while, she has started coming back into balance.

So what are everyone's thoughts here if Karezza may be a form of numbing pleasure to benefit from the side effect of numbing pain, and if dealing with pain in a more courageous way of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, is what can really make us understand what it is to love someone and heal a relationship?

Sincerely,
Painter Smurf