Advice, Questions and Answers
FIFTY POINTERS ON LOVE, SEX AND MARRIED LIFE
These apply to normal or average circumstances; they all have their exceptions.
(A) During Childhood:
1. Every mother should try to nurse her child for at least three months.
2. During the first year of every child's life it should be held naked against its mother's body at least an hour a day.
3. Every child, before puberty, should be taken into the mother's bed for at least an hour, mornings or evenings, daily if possible, but at least three times a week.
4. Parents should answer all their children's questions about love and sex with the utmost frankness, no matter how young the child. No lies, elaborations or fairy tales should be told the child about birth and sex; no "stork" stories.
5. Prior to puberty, children of opposite sexes should have opportunities to see each other naked in a natural way.
6. Never attempt to frighten children by threats of fearful consequences of masturbation, and do not punish them for this. Advise them, in a serious and friendly way, to control themselves as much as possible, and provide other outlets for their interests and energies.
7. Be careful not to build up sex fears in the child's mind: fear of disgrace, of disease, of pregnancy and so on. A sound sex life requires positive, not negative controls. Avoid anything that
might block your children's natural sex impulses by instilling fear; help them to understand themselves and build up their sense of responsibility.
8. The best educational results can be obtained in home and school through firmness, but only if combined with love and self control. Children treated without love lose energy, will power and capacity. They become lazy, stubborn, resistant.
9. Let children be so treated that they can regard their parents as intimate friends in whom they can confide all their love problems frankly and fearlessly.
(B) Before Marriage (To Parents):
10. When your son falls in love, invite the girl to your house as often as you can, form your own judgment of her qualities and discuss them calmly with your boy, without prejudice. Apply the same rule to your daughters.
11. If young love ripens to the point where marriage is considered, try to get in touch with the grammar and high-school teachers of your prospective son or daughter-in-law and learn their views of his or her character.
(To Engaged Couples):
12. Do not marry a person whom you have not known for some time, six months at the minimum. If possible test your compatability by spending a vacation at the same place or travelling together.
13. Beware of marrying an immature person, one who is still strongly influenced by his or her parents or who is overly devoted to them.
14. Make a point of knowing your fiance's parents and relatives as well as possible before marriage.
15. A woman should not marry a man who is not well educated in matters of sex.
16. Do not marry a selfish person with the expectation of re
forming him, or her. If this reform cannot be brought about before marriage, it is better to give up the project.
17. It is unwise to marry a person who habitually fails to keep promises, a person of weak character who cannot face facts or one who seeks to escape from them by drinking or gambling.
18. A person whose childhood was unhappy is a serious matrimonial risk.
19. A boyish girl and a feminine type of man should not marry each other until both have approached more nearly the characteristics of their own sex.
20. A girl who wants to marry an only son is in danger of being expected to be a mother substitute for an over sensitive, self centered man. A man who wants to marry an only daughter can expect competition from an over-indulgent father.
21. Too wide a divergence in interests should be a deterrent to marriage.
22. A couple should not marry before the pleasure of holding hands and kissing has stirred them to great delight and sexual desire.
23. A kiss with lips covered with lipstick prevents the full contact of the lips and is unsatisfactory.
24. Marriages of persons of the same clan, tribe or nationality are more likely to succeed than those between people of diver gent backgrounds; therefore avoid choosing a mate whose nationality is too different from your own.
25. If a man falls in love with a girl whose love instinct is more or less undeveloped, he should realize from the beginning that he is undertaking educational work requiring the utmost patience, tact and delicacy. Until she has gained a sense of absolute security with him and an assurance that she will not be forced in any way, (and not before she herself wishes it), he must not attempt to steal the most fugitive kiss.
26. If a couple, suited to each other in all the ways outlined above and strongly attracted by mutual desire, are obliged to post pone their marriage for a number of months or even years, they must exercise their will power in order not to arouse their sex desire and so bring on an exhausting inner conflict; otherwise
both partners will, with time, become neurotic or even alienated from each other.
(C) After Marriage
27. If a man has married a shy, innocent girl, he should not approach her sexually before she desires him to do so. Neither should he force her to see him naked. He should admire and caress her, but subjugate his own wishes entirely to hers. It may be hours, days or even weeks, before sex desire is aroused in his bride. He can touch the inner and upper parts of her thighs, but not her sex organs. He must bear in mind that an accidental discharge of semen would be repugnant to his partner at this time.
28. Every man should avoid touching the clitoris of his mate, even though she desires it. The bride has to learn to mature to a vaginal sexuality.
29. A man and wife are ready for full sex union only when the vagina has become thoroughly moist, never before.
30. During the entire time of a sex union both partners should devote their full attention to this, to the exclusion of everything else. They should be entirely relaxed and not converse with each other.
31. The successful husband and lover is one who is able to postpone his ejaculation for at least half an hour. It takes an average of six weeks to learn this by gradations. The best method to achieve full control over his ejaculation is one by which the two sex organs are in touch with each other (motionless and without entry) through half an hour, before intercourse starts. When a man has learned to control his ejaculations inside the vagina after movements lasting more than half an hour he no longer needs a preliminary "outdoor position" but can start immediately with a full sex union.
32. If, in the beginning, the man is not able to maintain his erection during the full interval of intercourse, let him not re duce the length of the interval on that account. Instead, let the two sex organs remain in close contact till the end of half an hour.
33. Every wife should bear in mind that a man's sex organ is very sensitive and has a sort of independent life of its own. If she shows repugnance to it, no matter how cleverly she may try to conceal the fact, this organ may refuse to react toward her, even though its owner is deeply in love with her and filled with the wish to possess her.
34. If intercourse lasts less than half an hour it should be repeated during the next hour, in order better to fulfill the demand to control the ejaculation. If intercourse lasts for more than half an hour, it should not be repeated, even among young people, before five days. If it lasts for an hour, a full week should elapse; if for two hours, two weeks; three hours, three weeks.
35. During sexual intercourse, the man should not mount his wife, but should take one of the positions described in Chapter V. 36. Twice a week let husband and wife assume a "locked pincers position", in bed for at least an hour, according to the description in Chapter V.
37. Contraceptive devices made of rubber or fishskin must be avoided, under all circumstances; nor should coitus interruptus ever be practiced. If for medical reasons, pregnancy has to be avoided, and the only natural contraceptive method of the "cycle" cannot be used, because of menstrual irregularity, then the wife should adopt a diaphragm fitted by her physician, or use the "Temperature Chart" method.
38. People who speak of sex lightly and treat it as a joke betray a low state of culture in sexual matters.
39. Every married couple should build up a life for themselves, independent of parents or relatives. Let them resolutely avoid living with their parents, no matter what economic temptations such an arrangement may offer.
40. If married couples are unkind, intolerant, and overcritical with each other, if they are quarrelsome, malicious, jealous, and irritated apparently by nothing, then in most cases, sex disappointments lie behind these seeming nothings.
41. To build up the capacity for love is an art in itself. But like every other art it has to be continuously cultivated, exercised and controlled. The biggest and most damaging mistake which
married people make is believing that courtship and modesty can be abandoned as superfluous after marriage. Just as our body cells need to be replenished, so also our feelings need constant nourishment. It is essential to excite and harmonize the love partner or, in other words, to arouse his or her sensuality. Marriage partners are most in need of such mutual stimulation. If they "let themselves go" at home in all kinds of unesthetic habits of dress, cleanliness, table manners and general behavior, married life will become unattractive and dull.
42. People always forget that no one can be held responsible for feelings. Reproaches about vanishing love are absurd, and perilous as well. Love is voluntary and cannot be forced.
43. Love begets love. It is unreasonable for a man to expect his wife to respond to him sexually if she is irritated by reproaches, bickerings or quarrels.
44. The first rule of love is altruism. It can be obtained and pre served by learning to combat egocentricity and bad temper and by building up that faculty of the imagination which enables one to apprehend the needs, moods and wishes of a beloved mate
45. The original cause of all vanity, of all competition, of all struggle for success in study, sport or business is the urgent, though often unconscious, desire for love manifested in one of its many forms, such as admiration or high esteem. With time the original motive, the desire for love, is forgotten and all that remains is ambition for power or money which has now become an end in itself.
46. Before you criticize your mate stop and ask yourself: Am I perfect? And remember that aggressive attempts to alter a per son's habits or attitudes, or a sharp, reproaching voice tend to arouse stubbornness and hostility; kindness and affection are more apt to achieve the desired ends. In order to develop the desired quality in one's mate one must behave as though it existed. It is futile, even perilous, to tell a liar, "you're lying." But the remark, "I trust you," frequently challenges the liar's ambition to live up to it.
47. In the case of women with intense but unfulfilled sex desires, widows, divorcees and neglected wives (especially if such women
are going through the menopause), excellent results are often obtained by taking a warm douche at bedtime, on alternate nights, of from 10 to 20 minutes duration, while lying comfortably in a tub of hot water. This treatment is made easily possible by fit ting a piece of rubber tubing over the bath faucet. It will be found that the steadily flowing water relieves the tension of the whole organism, leaving the woman relaxed and peaceful. If she goes to bed immediately, she will in all probability sleep without any medicine. During the douching process, let the woman concentrate her attention on the sensations in her vagina. An orgasm is not an essential part of the proceeding; if one takes place it should be disregarded and should not be considered as the purpose or aim of the douche.
48. Female hormones are often prescribed to mitigate the disturbances which commonly accompany the menopause. Many physicians now know that male hormones, combined with a very small amount of female hormones, are more apt to be efficacious.
49. A deep relationship exists between sickness and the unfulfilled desire for love. Hospitals and doctors would not be so over. taxed if real understanding and expression of love were more prevalent.
50. "Open your heart and your mind
To those perplexed and unhappy,
Never let hope slip, or courage,
Keep the sun in your soul, and your feet
On the path of your destiny ..."