Makes lovemaking more conscious

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Submitted by Marnia on
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[letter from reader to Editor of "ByronChild" magazine]

evolution...Although it is consciousness and the presence of love that elevates sex to making love, neuroscience offers another window and rationale to support this truth. While it could create a strain and be counterproductive if people made a religion of not having an orgasm, it is a great thing to take the emphasis away from the whole goal-oriented and performance-driven approach to making love - that takes away from the simplicity and beauty of love between the two people here now. And yes, when love is made it 'creates a presence or field...within which thoughts, agenda and beliefs are suspended.'

If people really get the point of this approach, it could be a huge relief and allow more space for love. It then doesn't become a big deal to make love, there is no result to achieve, it doesn't have to go on until someone has an orgasm - and then end. It becomes part of your ongoing life and love, not something separate. As you say, making love - or building your store of oxytocin - is not confined to the bedroom.

I remember the spiritual teacher Barry Long saying that 'you can't be in a state of love if you are going for an orgasm.' He didn't say that you shouldn't have one, but if the focus is on loving and delight your partner, it is less likely to happen. However, the important thing is what you have found from your own experience.

Fundamentally, it seems to me that this no-orgasm approach is an attempt to bring greater consciousness to lovemaking and may be better seen as an idea or direction rather than a goal in itself. If taken as a rule, it could be counter-productive to love, the very thing the 'idea' was designed to promote....

[Note from editors: Most people first bump into the insight about the gifts of making love without orgasm while still thoroughly accustomed to responding to the limbic brain's programming. That is, they're still victims of a compelling addictive cycle. Evolution has molded us to over-ride any "no orgasm" message. Unless we make a concerted effort to take a new direction, and understand thoroughly why we want to, we tend to find ourselves rolling down evolution's fertilization highway...again.

Also, orgasm sells. This truth can further erode commitment to this ideal of non-goal-oriented union. Proof of this lies in the fact that many members of the conscious lovemaking schools, whose teachers have suggested that it's unwise to actively discourage orgasm, now offer workshops brimming with tips on how to have better (conventional) orgasm...even while touting the benefits of avoiding it. Thanks to our physical design, this orgasmic schizophrenia is nearly unavoidable...unless one does make a point of not going for that which 'takes us out of the state of love.']

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