Sacred Sex Quest

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Submitted by Marnia on
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sacred unionEver hear of something and have a deep knowing that it was just plain right? That was my reaction to the concept of sacred sexuality. It made perfect sense that two things I cherished — the desire for closer union with the Divine and intimacy with a mate — could be combined.

True, the concept of using sex differently - by avoiding climax - was certainly novel, but I regarded it as an intriguing experiment, which I then judged on its own merits. I found it protected my spiritual clarity and was also beneficial to my relationship, and, with much trial and error, I incorporated it into my unions.

This shift was easier because I didn't grow up hearing that sex was sinful. As a consequence, I felt no need to purify it or normalize it. Sex was enjoyable and natural before I learned of controlled intercourse, and enjoyable and natural after I made the change.

As I learned more, it seemed obvious that the neurochemistry of sex, with its roller coaster ride of hormones and neurotransmitters, was behind the various religious doctrines that condemned sex as sinful. After all, the hidden addictive cycle of sex does cause many people to take rash actions and manipulate others, or even use appalling force, while seeking relief for sexual frustration.

Moreover, if someone feels a post-orgasmic drop-off of dopamine - and believes God has condemned him for his actions - intense feelings of remorse are perfectly natural. original sinAny religious leader experiencing this neurochemical whack, and having no better explanation for it, would naturally tend to condemn sex. However, it is not sex, but how we make love, that gives rise to much reckless behavior and post-passion remorse.

Sin and overreaction

Others grew up heavily influenced by the unfortunate belief that sex itself is sinful. Worse yet, when they rejected the "sex is sinful" doctrine, they sometimes rocketed to the other end of the spectrum. Such people often counter their upbringing by focusing a lot of energy on sexual gratification — with or without the gloss of Tantric, or other, sacred sex terminology.

In the process, the preciousness of relationships is often overlooked, or even discounted as merely another misguided religious myth. The focus can easily narrow to the search for the perfect orgasm.

For such people, any suggestion that orgasm itself might have some drawbacks feels like a return to the mistaken thinking of their earlier lives. After all, orgasm sometimes feels like an intense 'religious' experience. If sex isn't sinful, then it seems logical that union with the Divine might lie in the "better orgasm." Some suggest that women will be completely fulfilled by learning to ejaculate during sex, or by learning to induce cervical orgasm with "strong G-spot stimulation." Or that men will be totally fulfilled by orgasm without ejaculation — irrespective of deep, trusted companionship with another being.

For me such discussions are beside the point. They are at best a passing phase in a longer journey; at worst they have the potential to become major detours (because of the addictiveness of orgasm).

Which question?

Perhaps my views stem from the fact that my sacred sex quest began with two questions I asked of the Divine:

  • What is my spiritual path?
  • Why do my relationships, which start out with so much obvious mutual attraction and passion, always end up suffering from some weird separation dynamic?

To my surprise, the answers to these questions converged.

  1. My path was to learn how intimate relationships can create deep feelings of wholeness (to realign with the androgyny of our Source).
  2. My relationships were shattering on the hidden reef of biology's agenda for them: passion followed by alienation - and usually attraction to a novel partner with whom to repeat the same dreary pattern.

double serpentsThe path and the solution were the same: learn to manage sex differently. Free the hidden healing and spiritual potential in intimate relationships - and protect them from biology's separation mechanism.1

The perfect orgasm, or a red herring?

I now learn everything I can about how one protects and cultivates the latent spiritual and healing gifts in a connection with a mate. Given the importance of balanced brain chemistry in this quest, I honestly don't believe that the search for "the perfect orgasm" is the most promising focus. As I have replied to those who ask on our forum, neither clitoral, G-spot, G-spot massage, cervical nor non-specific vaginal orgasms enabled me to escape the chill of separation during the two weeks following.

This post-passion chill took different forms. Sometimes it showed up as moodiness. Sometimes as projections of dissatisfaction with my partner. Sometimes as emotional neediness. Sometimes as draining events in my life or financial screw-ups - or screw jobs. Sometimes as an addictive hunger for more orgasm - to the point where my intense libido was not even welcomed by a lover. Sometimes it didn't show up for 4-5 days. But I never escaped it.

SourceIn contrast, my husband and I have been consistent with the practice of controlled intercourse and the harmony in our relationship has grown. Could it be that by overcoming the emotional friction and alienation that biology builds into our relationships, male and female might genuinely move toward the deep feelings of wholeness that realign us with the androgyny/oneness of our Source? It feels deeply right to me. And if it means that the search for the "perfect orgasm" falls away, so be it.